Never Shoulda Taken that Right Toin at Albuquerque
by Ironbear
Summary: Xander inadvertently creates a Cordelia monster and Faith gets just a wee bit carried away in some role playing of her own. And then things get bizarre. PWmP: Porn With Minimal Plot.
1. Foul Play and Foreplay

**_Never_ Shoulda Taken that Right Toin at Albuquerque**

_by Ironbear_

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**Story Blurb:** Xander inadvertently creates a Cordelia monster and Faith gets just a wee bit carried away in some role playing of her own. And then things get bizarre. PWmP: Porn With Minimal Plot.

**Title:** "_Never_ Shoulda Taken that Right Toin at Albuquerque"

**Author:** Ironbear

**Rating:** X. Maybe more than one X. (FR-21)

**Disclaimer:** Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel the Series and characters thereof belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, Warner Brothers, 20th Century Fox, and Kazui Entertainment. Everyone else belongs to their respective owners, except for my own original characters. And hey – I'm not greedy about them.

This is a work of derivative fiction. All persons, characters, names, places, locations, entities, personages, and/or deities contained within are purely fictional, or fictional representations thereof, and any resemblance to any real persons, characters, names, places, locations, entities, personages, and/or deities are purely coincidental, or they are used in a purely fictional manner.

**Summary:** Well, adventures in role playing turn into even more adventures while Faith takes things well in hand – and is off and running on an adventure of her own. And the fallout from _last_ session's adventure is _still_ hitting the whirling blades... with more yet to come.

**Type:** BtVS non-crossover, Romance, Fantasy, Comedy, PWP. And a romantic comedy of errors.

**Chronology:** Takes place just after "Beauty and the Beasts" in BtVS season 3. Takes place shortly after "The Nighthawk Comes at Midnight."

**Pairings:** Xander Harris and Cordelia Chase

** Author's Note(s):** Huh. Somehow, this seems to have developed into a _very_ related series of stories called: "Tails of the Vampire (s)Layer", set in the "Take Me and Stake Me" 'verse. Since I've gotten inspired to do more of them and they've run away with my muse. PWP with at least a _little_ bit of not _completely_ irrelevant plot.

Het, naturally, given the players involved.

**Warning! **Ah... screw it. If you read "Take Me and Stake Me I & II", you pretty much know what's in here. Sex, and more sex, and then some more sex. And violence. Kinda. Along with some meaningless and gratuitous storyline for seasoning. And even some gratuitous fucking to go along with all of the sex.

* * *

**_Never_ Shoulda Taken that Right Toin at Albuquerque**

_by Ironbear_

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**Part I: Foul Play and Foreplay and Foreplay **_**is**_** Foul Play... **

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"_Sex either blows your fucking mind, or it's not good enough.__"_ ― Karen Marie Moning

* * *

_Friday, October 23: Sunnydale High School – late late morning: _

Xander Harris was disgruntled.

Okay, maybe _dis_gruntled was a bit strong. Assuming that he was certain what it meant, that is. It definitely _sounded _like what he was feeling, though. He at the very least wasn't a happy student, or camper, for that matter. Not completely happy, anyway.

By all rights, he reflected, he really kinda should be.

Happy, that is.

For the one thing, the anticipated Willow freakage hadn't materialized. Apparently, Faith had kept her word, and Buffy _hadn't _made an inadvertent slip and blurted out, "Xander and Cordelia were having public sex in the cemetery!" in Will's hearing. Or else the little blonde had been way too preoccupied to think or blurt about them.

Which was majorly of the likely.

The day after she and Faith had happened upon Xander and Cordelia in mid... uh... okay, now, what was that high falutin' phrase for that sort of thing? Fragrant delicatessen? Naw, that wasn't it.

Oh, hell: locked in mid-_ungh _as Faith would put it.

The day after Buffy had found them locked in mid-ungh, that whole business with Pete the mystically chemically enhanced girl beater had started up. Started with a bang and a whimper, too, with suspicions that Wolfie Oz had gotten out of his kennel in the night while Faith was dozing on duty. And then had mauled someone...

Not a good state of affairs for Oz or Willow to be dwelling in.

Faith, of course, had caught Giles' displeasure over the whole mess, along with the more acerbic edge of Giles' tongue and wit. (Heh: acerbic. And they thought Xander never learned anything in school other than how to run from monsters!) Not even Cordelia's own perceptive and sarcastic observation that, "Gee, it sure is strange how a werewolf let himself out of the book cage and then back in and closed himself up again. What'd he do: pick the lock?" had helped.

Probably the sarcasm. Cordy had a definite talent for making a pithy observation and setting Giles' teeth on edge sometimes...

Neither had Xander's: "Wow. Funny how Oz didn't smash out the window going through it. Or shred Faith on the way out."

That got them _both_ frosty glares and a very British sounding "Harrumph," and grumble.

_That _also had distracted Willow from all other considerations aside from proving Oz's innocence. And it was hilarious – to Xander anyway – how Cordy's comments had suddenly made her a natural ally: Will had immediately turned the big green puppy dog eyes on her and enlisted her help as research assistant and girl detective in helping her and Oz clear his wolfy name. Snerk.

Then it had turned out that it wasn't Oz – duh! - it was Scott Hope's friend Pete instead. Hazards of playing Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on the Hellmouth.

Scott Hope being Buffy's current infatuation and possible new boyfriend type interest.

So, Buffy had been wrapped up with Scott, Pete, and Pete's girlfriend Debbie every spare moment and free period. Willow and Cordy had been wrapped up for a day or so in sleuthing. Xander had been, ah...

Well, not doing much at all, other than commiserating with Oz. Becuz the Buffster had made it clear that she was pointedly excluding Xander and Cordy from her little world right now. Especially him for some reason. And Will wasn't much for intentionally going against Buffy when she was in a snit...

Buffy was making it clear that she was obviously less than of the gruntled with them herself.

Mostly him.

It became real obvious right away when Buffy made a point of talking almost exclusively to Giles, Willow, and Oz, while pointedly ignoring Xander, Cordy, and Faith. (Xander wasn't sure how _Faith _got included in this. Maybe as a result of her being less than horrified by the Cordelia and Xander show?) Even more obvious when that first day when every time Buffy hit the lunchroom or student lounge and saw him and Cordy at the table with Willow, she immediately veered over and went to sit with Scott and his friends. And every day after that one, including today.

Okay, so Scott could probably use someone to commiserate with: he'd lost two friends in the course of a few short days – Debbie wasn't speaking to him right now.

And, oh, that was odd... Pete had turned up with a broken neck after Buffy went after him, with Buffy the only possible culprit. And hey, no major freakout like she'd had with Ted back before they knew he was Robot Wife Killer Ted. It was almost as if once it became clear that Pete used Weird Science to become a monster, he didn't count as a human being for that whole 'I don't kill humans' thing...

Which was disturbing on so very many levels.

Seriously: given how on the Hellmouth _any _of them could get hit with a demonic or magical effect and turned into a non-human monster – Xander had seen spells for that in Giles' books – it could easily put _any_ of them in Buffy's "Slay now, not remorse over it later" category.

Which was more than just _kinda _scary...

Buffy was _real_ efficient at killing monsters.

As long as she wasn't dating them...

So, a whole world of new worries to fret about in the late late hours of the morning when he couldn't sleep. Hell, on some days, _Cordelia _probably came close to qualifying in Buffy's eyes _without _a mystical transformation.

So, gruntled not. Buffy, being avoidy. Faith, being of the bitchy, because Buffy was avoiding her and Giles had groused at her. Xander: knowing that the temporary reprieve would end and Buffy would have a serious 'talk' with him or them sooner or later. Willow: an impending detonation waiting to happen.

Heh. Ah well. At least the dynamic duo and sleuthing team of Nancy Drew and V.I. Warshawski, girl detectives, had managed to set Buffy on track in time for her to rescue Debbie from the homicidal Pete and helped them figure things out. And cleared Oz of suspicions. Which was good for Oz and Willow's peace of mind, no doubt.

_A__nd_ at least there'd been frequent hot sex with Cordelia at every available free period and in every available broom closet, empty classroom, and storage room. At least when she wasn't helping Willow sleuth. Except for today, 'natch. Alternate Fridays being one of the odd days when he and Cordelia didn't have classes together until late afternoon, and their schedules didn't quite mesh.

And Cordelia had spent two out of three of the past three nights at Xander's house sleeping over since her parents came home, as well. Which made for some entertaining, interesting, and downright _surreal_ early morning conversations with Xander's parents. Luckily, they both liked Cordelia. Also made for some frenzied rushing of the Cordy back to her house after breakfast to sneak in before the maid woke her up and her parents discovered she'd been out all night. Plus, for her to dress for school.

Good thing Xander's mom and pop got up really early – Tony for work, and his mom to get ready for a day of convention planning.

Well, not _completely_ accurate... that thing about today being Cordy-sex-less... they'd decided to cut First Period Homeroom -slash- Study Hall together in favor of heading straight from their lockers to the unused and abandoned third floor Teacher's Lounge. And they were gonna have lunch together...

Where Xander was headed right now, now that Fourth Period Geometry was ended. Late, since Mr. Fingleman had wanted to see him after class about his attendance... And so –

Xander paused a moment to double check. Yup, cupped hand check reveals breath that's not horrible. Looking down at himself, he took stock. He was wearing a comfortable and decent looking pair of khakis, with one of his less revolting looking striped shirts over a black t-shirt. Dark Timberline hikers, almost new looking but nicely broken in. And his hair was even combed, more or less.

– Ulp.

Xander figured later it was probably the stop for a wardrobe check that did him in...

"Hi there!" Buffy's chirpy voice said somewhat below Xander's left ear as a steely grip latched onto his elbow. "Let's go talk!"

"Let's not and say we did," Xander said, glancing down sourly at her.

Buffy smiled brightly up at him, and slipped her hand through the crook of his elbow and around his arm. Patting his arm with her other hand, she said, "Aww. Don't be like that. I promise this won't hurt. Much."

"It's the 'much' that has me a bit concerned, Buff," Xander said, keeping his tone light. He couldn't help the sourness in the half grin he favored her with, though.

"Here you go," Buffy said, steering them into an empty classroom. She glared up at him, releasing his arm, and pointed at the front desk. "Sit, Xander."

"Stay, Xander. Down, Xander. Good boy, Xander," Xander grumbled as he gave a resigned sigh and walked over, turned around, and plopped himself down on the edge of the teacher's desk with one leg swinging and his arms folded over his chest. "Wanna Scooby Snack, Xander?"

"Boy, are _you _in some kinda mood, huh?" Buffy said, blinking at him.

Rolling his eyes, Xander made an elaborate show of checking his wristwatch. Mickey's big hand was nearly on the... "Couldja move this along, Buff? I'm meeting Cordy in the cafeteria for my daily glop. You're cutting into our 'us' time."

Buffy huffed at him, folding her own arms over her chest. She lowered her eyebrows and glowered at him. "And that brings us to today's topic, Xan."

"Uh... " Xander grinned at her and raised his hand, waggling it. "Gee, Miss Summers! Could that be 'Public Sex in Cemeteries, don't do it!' for ten thousand?" He rolled his eyes again. "Got the memo, thanks. We done now?"

"No!" Buffy practically exploded at him, with her arms uncrossing and falling by her sides. Angry arms position number two, Xander observed. "We are not done now! Jeeze, Xander! What were you thinking?"

"I think that seeing Cordelia in that outfit, I was thinking with the head in my pants, not the one above my collar, Buff," Xander said, dead honest. Buffy gaped at him, even though by now she really should have been used to him saying inappropriate things... "And I think that after an hour of steamy makeout, Cordelia was too and was being encouraging."

"See!" Buffy closed her mouth and aimed a forefinger at him, looking triumphant. "You _weren't_ thinking! I knew it!"

"Gee, Buff. It was stupid, we know it; we survived it, dusted the vamp, and we really, really aren't going to do it any more, promise cross my heart and hope no one dies," Xander said, more than just a little of his own exasperation bleeding through. "Uh, didn't we already do this?"

"No, we didn't," Buffy said, biting out every word.

"And why was that, I wonder?" Xander said, his eyes narrowing. "Oh! I know! Because the _Buffy _was in a massive snit and avoiding us for the past three days."

"Whoa," Buffy blinked at him, looking slightly taken aback. "Back up, Xander. Sounds like _I'm _not the one in a snit... "

"No. I'm as backed up as I'm getting," Xander said, glowering over at her.

"Hey! I was not being avoidy! There was Pete, and Oz! And major death and badness," Buffy said, glaring at him.

"Which explains why you veered to a different table or out of the room every time you saw me and Cordy, right," Xander said, nodding, "And did all of your talking to us through Will, even though Cordy was right next to her."

Buffy's mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, and then her eyes narrowed and she glared at him again. That was okay: Xander had long ago figured out that Buffy _really_ hated being called out on some of her stuff.

"And you are so _not_ changing the subject to me, Mister," Buffy said, finally, still glaring. "I'm not the one almost getting killed in graveyards."

Which wasn't exactly true, but...

Xander sighed, and ran his hand through his hair, suddenly feeling exhausted. And tired of the whole mess. "Look, Buffy. It was dumb. We get that. Yes, Cordelia and I are having sex. Lots of sex. We got carried away. We staked the vamp in spite of it. No one died. It won't happen again. End of story, end of discussion, okay?"

"No!" Buffy exploded again. "It is not the end of the story! It is _not _okay! You were having public _sex _in a _graveyard_, Xander! You got attacked! You could have died! Cordy could have died!"

"Yup. Yup. Yup. Got that," Xander said, nodding. "So we'll be having all of our public sex in the daytime from now on. At the mall."

"But I _shop_ at that mall... " Buffy gaped at him, and then _visibly_ decided to ignore the last half of that statement. "And you don't even seem concerned by that!"

"What?" Xander blinked at her, dumbfounded. "Of _course _I'm concerned. I was _terrified_, trying to brainstorm a way out of it. Hence the whole 'it won't happen again ever' thing. Good enough."

"No, it's _not _good enough," Buffy said, going back to glowering with her arms folded. "You and Cordy aren't patrolling any more. I'm taking you off of the slay pals roster."

Xander blinked at her again, his mouth falling open. After a long moment, he closed it and nodded. "All right. We can always patrol on our own. Maybe Faith can use a partner."

"Huh?"

Obviously not the response that Buffy had been expecting, for she blinked back at him with her own mouth falling open and then closing slowly.

"We did it all summer while you were gone," Xander said, shrugging. "Me, Willow, Cordy, and Oz. We don't need your permission to do it now."

"You do too!" Buffy snapped out, her eyes narrowing. "I'm the Slayer here, Xander."

"Big whoop."

"_What?_" it came out as kind of a strangled squawk. "_What _did you say?" Buffy's arms went down and her hands went on her hips as she drew up in 'indignant posture number one'.

"Big. Whoop," Xander said, shrugging. "Faith's a Slayer. Kendra was a Slayer." And yes, he knew bringing Kendra up was a mistake the moment he did it. Didn't care, he decided after a moment.

Buffy's eyes narrowed. "And Kendra _died_, Xander."

"Do you really, really wanna go there, Buffy?" Xander asked, very quietly.

"What do you mean?" Buffy blinked, frowning at him. Obviously not even registering the ice cracking under her feet...

"Kendra died. Yeah. Because someone's boyfriend lured 'The Slayer' off and set her up for it," Xander said, his voice still quiet and going quieter. And darker.

All of the blood drained from Buffy's face and her expression went suddenly slack from shock. After a moment she said weakly, "That's not fair... "

"Gee. Take a memo, Buff. Life's not fair," Xander said, his eyes narrowed at the little blonde, his supposed best friend. "Ask Kendra."

"Xander! You're way, way out of line here," Buffy said, her own voice going low and dangerous on him.

"So are you," Xander replied. He straightened up off of the edge of the desk, standing easily. "And I'm tired of this conversation."

"Don't even _think_ about walking away from me, Xander," Buffy said, an edge to her voice and the color coming back to her face. "We're not done here." Xander raised his eyebrows, and she continued, her head going back so she could meet his eyes. "Look, I don't mind that you and Cordy are taking your relationship to a new level, in _spite _of the whole 'you're dating _Cordelia_' thing – "

"Whoa."

It came out in such a low even tone of absolute menace that it chopped Buffy off in mid word and she blinked at him, her mouth still half open.

"Don't. You don't get to go there."

"Y'know, Xander? I really, really think that I do," Buffy said, slowly, eying him like she'd never seen him before. "Your relationship with Cordelia is putting you _and _her at risk. Of _dying_, risk."

"I'm telling you: stop now, Buffy," Xander said, his voice still low and soft. It was like the universe suddenly contracted in around them, with nothing else in it. The classroom around them even faded from his awareness... there was nothing else but Buffy's eyes focused on his.

"No. I won't. You – "

Xander cut across whatever she was about to say as smoothly as a knife blade, his voice deadly sounding in his own ears. A little voice in the back of his mind observed that this was about to be the end of a beautiful friendship, and he ignored it.

"You don't get to go there, Buffy. You don't get to discuss mine and Cordelia's relationship and what we do or don't do. You made it real damned clear all last year that I didn't get to discuss or criticize your relationship with Angel," Xander said, softly. "And you put _everyone's _life at risk. You gave up the right to have a say."

"I– " Buffy swallowed hard, and her eyes narrowed. She almost visibly rallied and decided to do what she always did when a discussion with him didn't go as she'd planned: go on the attack. Folding her arms again, she glared hotly at him and opened her mouth.

Not this time. Not gonna work.

"People _died _because you put everyone's life at risk with your Angel obsession, Buffy," Xander said, his eyes still narrow. "So you don't get to go there. I don't care to hear it."

"Well, you're _gonna _hear it, Xander," Buffy said, practically growling it. "Because I – "

"Cordelia almost died from it, Buffy," Xander said, interrupting her again. "_Willow _almost died. _Willow_. You really don't want me remembering what I told you once before."

Ice, cracked. Ground? Shifting under her feet. Buffy changed tacks abruptly, obviously deciding to throw some bad money – or feelings – after worse ones. "And what about, Willow, Xander? What do you think Willow is going to feel about – "

"You don't get to bring Willow into this, either," Xander said. He straightened, unfolding his arms. "This conversation is over, now."

"No it is _not!_" Buffy stamped, actually _stamped_, her foot, uncrossing her own arms and glaring up at him. "We aren't done here, dammit!"

"I say we are," Xander said, shrugging. "No problem. Cordy and I won't patrol with you. We'll patrol with Faith. We won't have sex in public any more. The end."

"Don't you even 'the end' me, Buster," Buffy began...

"Did you have a _talk_ like this with Cordy?" Xander said, interrupting.

"Huh? No!" Buffy shook her head.

"Didn't think so," he said, nodding slowly. "You know _why_ you're not having this discussion with Cordelia, Buffy?" Xander asked.

"Oh? Enlighten me. Please," Buffy said, snorting at him. "Why?"

"Because you know damned well that Cordelia wouldn't put up with it," Xander said, quietly, studying her. "She'd get her back up and tell you off. You decided to brace me because you figured I'd just roll over and wag my tail. You were wrong."

Buffy's mouth opened, but he wasn't hearing whatever it was that was coming out...

Xander Harris turned on his heel, went to the door, opened it, and walked out.

Shutting it behind him with Buffy in full on Buffy diatribe, cutting her off.

* * *

Fuming inside, with his head down and his eyes on the hallway flooring, Xander ambled away from the vacant classroom replaying the whole conversation in his head.

Nope. Couldn't see anything he could or would say differently. Sucked.

And it still felt like crap.

"_Harris!_"

He stopped abruptly as a large, beefy hand halted him with its palm flat against the middle of his chest.

Xander looked down at the hand, curiously. Then his gaze followed it up an equally beefy arm, past a shoulder, and higher until he had his head back slightly looking up into the blue eyes and scowling mug of Percy West.

A slow smile spread across Xander's lips, showing _all _of the teeth and lots of points to them.

"Hi there, Percy," Xander said, nodding cordially up at the jock. "Mind moving that hand before I remove it at the elbow and shove it down your throat?"

The hand vaporized off his chest so fast that Xander was amazed it didn't leave a cartoon smoke trail. Percy stepped back hastily, holding both hands in front of him, palms out. Xander looked up at him quizzically.

"Whoa, whoa, Harris, easy," Percy said, backing up another step.

"Thank you," Xander said, politely.

"Uh... what got into you? Jeezus Christ, man?"

"Man," Xander sighed, running a hand over his hair, and half smiling. "Bad morning. Or maybe a bad week of bad mornings. Or a bad morning of weeks or something." He shrugged, and added, "Anyway, I am so much _not_ in the mood that you wouldn't believe it. So if you're gonna slam me into a locker or something, just go ahead and get it out of the way now so I can get to the cafeteria, huh?"

"Whoa, hey!" Percy's eyes widened, and he took another step back. "No no, naw, Harris. Nothing like that, man."

"Groovy," Xander said, nodding. "So... bye."

"Wait!" Percy said, stepping in front of him again. Xander sighed heavily. "Man – the only reason I stopped you like that was 'cause I _tried_ to get your attention. I called your name three times, dude. Even yelled it twice."

"Really?" Xander blinked at him.

"Really. You were, like, off in never land or somewhere, guy," Percy said, nodding vigorously.

"Wow. Never realized," Xander said, nodding again. "Bye."

"Whoa – wait!" Percy said, making little stop stop motions with his upraised palms.

"_What?_"

"Dude," Percy said. He looked around, almost furtively, and dropped his voice down to a whisper. "Harris, dude. I just wanted to ask you something. Uh, are you and Cordy, uh... "

Sigh. Damned good thing he whispered. Probably couldn't have been heard any farther away than, oh, second floor Biology and the gym. At least he didn't end it with, 'Nudge nudge wink wink.'

Xander looked around, noticing that they were suddenly the center of rapt attention in nearby quarters. He sighed heavily again.

"Me and Cordy? Are we uh _what_?" Xander raised his voice, pitching it so it could be heard all over the immediate area. "You mean: are we having _**SEX**__**?**_"

Percy jumped about a foot and a half, glaring around in all directions. "Shhhh! Not so loud! And, uh, yeah."

"Ah." Xander nodded. "That's what I thought you meant. None of your business."

Taking a long step to his left, he stepped around Percy and started to continue on, only to be stopped by an outraged and nearly whining sounding, "Wait! Man, don't be like that!"

Shaking his head, Xander stopped, letting it drop forward until it was hanging onto his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, and counted to ten. Then raised it and turned slowly.

"I want half," he said, flatly, looking up into Percy's eyes.

Percy blinked at him. "Huh?"

"Half. This is about the betting pool, right?"

"Uh... wait, you _know _about that?" Percy blinked again, looking poleaxed.

"The Xander," Xander said, spreading his hands out palms up. "He knows all, he sees all, he hears all. I want half."

"Dude... "

"How big is the pool?" Xander asked, curiously.

Percy stared at him, and then named a figure. Xander blinked up at him, impressed. Percy apparently registered Xander's surprise, for he shrugged and said, "_Major_ odds against my picks."

Xander nodded. "Half, or I walk and you can go ask _Cordelia_."

Someone snickered loudly, and Percy gulped, swallowed, and turned kind of pale. "Oh, man... no. No way." He swallowed hard again and said, "That's _cold_, Harris. And cruel."

Xander shrugged, waiting silently.

"Half?"

"Half, of your winnings," Xander said, nodding. "In fifteen seconds, it goes up to three quarters."

Percy sighed, sounding kinda like a venting steam pipe. "_Fine_. Dammit."

"Shake on it," Xander said, putting out his hand. Practically growling, Percy grabbed it and pumped it a couple of times.

"Fine, happy now?"

"Ecstatic." Xander nodded again and said, "Yup. Since last Thursday night. And every night and almost every day since. Sometimes several times a day. Pay up."

Percy stared at him, and then began silently counting on his fingers slowly. Apparently he reached a conclusion he liked, for he brightened suddenly, pumped his fist in the air, and said, "Yes!"

Xander arched an eyebrow at him. Percy grinned, and added, "I _knew_ you two wouldn't hold out until after Homecoming! I knew it! Yes!"

"I'm so glad we're predictable," Xander said, sighing. "Pay up."

"Uh... I gotta collect, first, man!"

"Cool," Xander said, nodding yet again. "I'll be in the cafeteria with Cordy."

Percy blinked at him again, and then his eyes widened. "You want me to pay you in _front _of her? Dude, you're braver than we thought. Wait – how did you know which way I bet, anyway?"

Shrugging, Xander smiled slowly and said, "The Xander – "

"Yeah yeah. He knows all, he sees all, he hears all," Percy said. Running a hand over his head, he added, "Bite my shorts, Xan."

"Eeew. No."

"Not literally, dude," Percy said, rolling his eyes.

"So, we done?" Xander asked, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"Sure," Percy nodded enthusiastically. Stepping forward, he half turned and draped an arm across Xander's shoulders, lowering his voice. "Thanks! Uh, hey... y'know, about Cordelia... "

"If you're gonna ask me how she was," Xander said, his voice going soft and dark again, "I'll paste you one full on in the mouth. Even considering that you'll rip my arm off and beat me to death with it immediately afterward." The grin turned toothy and full of points again.

"Whoa, whoa, no, hey!" Percy backed up hastily, his arm leaving Xander's shoulders in a blur. "Naw." Giving Xander an almost wounded look, he said, "Jock. Not a complete douchebag, jeeze, Harris."

"Given ten years of history with jocks," Xander said, shrugging, "The difference escapes me some days."

"Aw, man, that's not fair," Percy said. "And besides. Beating you up? Both Cordy _and _that little blonde you hang out with would kill me."

Sighing, Xander rolled his eyes, the reminder completely vaporizing any semblance of a rising good mood. "Cordy? Maybe. I think you're safe from Buffy though. She'd probably cheer."

"Naw. No way."

Raising his eyebrows, Xander asked, "So, you were asking?"

Percy suddenly squirmed, looking uncomfortable. "Uhh... I forget."

Grinning sourly, Xander stepped around him again and continued on. Behind him, he heard a loud, "Yes! Yes! _Yes!_" followed by a, "Hey, Larry! Pay up!"

A moment later, Larry Blaisdell's pained sounding voice drifted after him. "Aww, man! Harris, I should kick your butt, guy!"

Xander's grin turned a bit more genuine, despite his mood, as he continued toward the cafeteria. And his hot girlfriend...

He actually made it almost the rest of the way to the cafeteria before a small hand slid into his arm and a soft feminine voice spoke in his ear –

"Glaaahhhh!"

It was only the fact that Xander recognized the voice – and that it wasn't _Buffy's__ – _that meant that they didn't have to peel him off of the ceiling with a pry bar following him doing a full Sylvester and planting himself up there with all ten claws and his tail puffed up like a bottle brush.

"Wow."

Cordelia looked at him wide eyed and impressed as he landed a full six feet away, clutching his chest. She looked down at her suddenly empty of Xander hand, and back up at him.

"Wow," she said again. "You really got some _air _on that one, jerk wad."

"Who says white boys can't jump?" Xander said, his heart going like a triphammer. "Don't. Freaking. DO. That. Cordy," Xander added, panting heavily. "Please."

"I'll try and remember that," Cordelia said, still wide eyed. She nodded seriously, biting her full lower lip.

Xander would have been a lot more reassured if he didn't notice that the lip biting was an effort to disguise her mouth twitching at the corners in a massive effort at her not bursting into laughter. As it was, her eyes were dancing wickedly at him.

Shaking his head, Xander rolled his own eyes for what felt like the umpteenth time in twenty minutes, and ambled back over to her with his hands stuck in his pockets. When he offered her his elbow, she grinned at him and slid her hand through it, clasping her other one around his left bicep and leaning her face against his shoulder, looking up.

"Aww, poor Xander," she said. Cordelia forced her grin down to a dull roar, and batted her eye lashes at him. "I want half."

"Huh?"

"Half, dork weed," Cordelia said, huffing. "Of your winnings, I mean extortion money, lame brain. From Percy and the betting pool. Considering that I did at _least _half the work of earning them... "

"You deserve half, right," Xander said, nodding. He rolled his eyes yet again, and huffed. "You _heard _that?"

"Jeeze, Xander," Cordelia's eyes rolled at him. "People in the _parking _lot heard that! _And _you saying, 'What, you mean are we having SEX?'"

"Glah!"

"Percy isn't exactly _subtle_, moron."

"Oy... " Xander sighed heavily. "Hey! Where were you? I looked around to see who was in the hallway... "

"I ducked into the door of a classroom when you guys turned," Cordelia said, snickering.

"Sigh. I give up," Xander said, looking heavenward. "I was gonna split 'em with you anyway."

"Oh. Well, okay then," Cordelia said. Frowning she pulled back enough to give him a worried look up and down. "So, uh... "

"How long were you back there anyway?"

"I came looking for you when you ran late," Cordelia said, her eyes narrowing. "From, uh, just after 'Hi there! We need to talk, Xander!'"

"Oy. And you didn't pop in to help?" Xander glared at her, mildly.

"I figured you could handle it," Cordelia said, shrugging. Since the shrug rubbed the side of a full breast along his arm, Xander was having a real hard time maintaining the glare. "How bad, uh, was it?"

"We're grounded from Slayage," Xander said, shrugging back. He dug a toe into the flooring, looking down. "And Buffy probably isn't speaking to me. Like, ever. Again."

"That bad, huh?"

"I brought up Angel."

"Ouch," Cordelia said, wincing.

"I think she was still on low simmer from the 'I may have fucked Xander's soul out of him' crack," Xander said, his lips starting to twitch.

"Just boiled on over, huh?" Cordelia asked, shaking her head slightly.

"I was the one that boiled over, actually," Xander told her.

"Oh?" Apparently a few memories, like the one of the conversation from Buffy's Zombie homecoming jamboree, surfaced in Cordelia's mind, for she winced visibly. "And again I say: ouch."

"Yup. Major ouchage." Xander sighed, looking at her. "We're patrolling with Faith from now on if we want to do slayage, I think."

"Oh." Cordelia paused for a moment, absorbing that and the implications, and then nodded. "Okay," she said, simply.

"And I- huh?"

"I said, oh-kay," Cordelia said in an exaggeratedly patient voice. "Did Buffy damage your hearing?"

"No... I was just expecting to have to argue for it," Xander said, still blinking at her.

"Oh, please," Cordelia said, removing her hand from Xander's bicep so she could flip it negligently. "_Not _that I'm enthused about Faith or the whole danger, vampires, monsters, and near death experience thing but if _Buffy _thinks for one _minute _that she can tell _me _what to do or not do I– "

"I told her that that's why she braced me instead of you," Xander said, a slow lopsided grin coming over his lips. Mostly at his girlfriend's fierce expression.

"Boy, I'll bet _that_ went over well," Cordelia observed.

"Like a lead flying thing," Xander said, "It crashed and burned on the runway."

"Well, I so _would _have, too!"

"I know."

"Well, all right then," Cordelia said, huffing. She noticed Xander's gaze roaming over her, and blinked at him. "What?"

Cordelia was wearing, or still wearing, a white, high collared blouse with the collar curled over half way, that was open down in a V to the top of her chest, and buttoned down the front. It ended about a half inch above the waistband of her skirt, showing a bare slice of bare tanned skin, with the last button ending high enough to expose an exquisite navel. And the top three buttons were unbuttoned, showing a generous more than slice of upper and inner breast slope and just a hint of white bra...

It was of some not quite transparent, but almost, uh, translucent – that was the word – material that didn't quite show the rest of her bra, but hinted that it could. And it exactly matched in color the thigh high lace topped white hose she was wearing.

The skirt was a predominately black, charcoal gray, and gray plaid with alternating narrow stripes of green and blue and blue green with yellow pin stripes in a square pattern that exactly matched the yellow of her cheerleading sweater. It came down to about two inches above her knee on the right, was cut upward at an angle to just under mid left thigh, and was slit to within a couple of inches of her hip up the thigh on the left. Not enough to show the band or crotch of her panties or anything, but enough to make every guy in school strain hard _really_ hoping that it would. Which also explained how _Xander _knew the hose were lace topped, even without the early morning exploration session.

There was a matching plaid narrow vest thing over the blouse, and a complementary dark, blazer looking bolero jacket the same shade of charcoal black as the skirt, with some sort of designer insignia on the breast pocket, went over the vest.

A pair of ankle strapped black open toed shoes with buckles completed the outfit. Those and the Sunnydale Razorbacks sweater around her hips with the arms tied in front of her, complementing and setting off the dark plaid with a bright splash of color... Her dark chestnut hair was combed and clipped in some way that let it make three falls down her back, exposing her ears and earrings.

Dark cherry red lipstick and full, soft lips...

All in all, she looked like some pornographer's fantasy of a naughty Catholic school girl. Hah – she looked like _why '_Naughty Catholic Schoolgirl' was a major porn category. _And _a staple in the fantasies of every red blooded American male that had ever hit puberty, even the gay ones.

"You look like... " Xander finally answered her, or started to, once all of the blood flow finished rearranging itself down into his pants –

"Like what?" Cordelia said, arching her eyebrows at him.

"Like I want to take you into the Principal's Office and chastise you severely," Xander finished, waggling _his_ eyebrows at _her_.

"You're not really dressed for the part," Cordelia said, her eyes laughing. "Would there be _spanking _involved, Mister Principal?"

Xander nearly choked at the mental image. Finally, he got it under control and managed, "Oh, yes. _Definitely _spanking. You know – spare the rod, spoil the child."

"Gasp." Cordelia's eyes widened dramatically. "You mean you'd use your rod on me?"

"I'm pretty sure I'd have to stroke you with my rod a few times," Xander said, starting to snigger helplessly.

Someone heading down the hallway past them cat called, "Hey – get a room you two," right about the time that Xander's stomach let out a subterranean rumble.

Cordelia broke up laughing, shaking her head. "Come on, Principal Horndog," she said, laughing. "Let's go feed you before that noise shakes down the school."

"I think I'd rather nibble on you than the gloppage," Xander said, laughing along with her. He covered her hand on his arm with his own, starting toward the cafeteria.

"Naw," Cordelia said, shaking her head. "I slipped out during my earlier free and hit Fatburger and got you a triple cheese. With chili and everything."

Xander stopped, staring at her in undisguised awe. "You are a _Goddess_, woman."

"And don't you forget it, either."

* * *

_Later, shortly after lunch: start of Fifth Period..._

Manfully stifling an enormous belch as being inappropriate to the romance of the situation, Xander carefully looked both ways before using his swiped and duplicated key on the doorway of the still abandoned and unused second floor Life Sciences classroom.

Poor Mr. Wingarten. Eaten by a grue.

If he was looking down on them from the afterlife, he would no doubt be cheered by the fact that his students were still using his classroom for the betterment of themselves. Or else having a ghostly aneurism at the way they were going about it.

Or possibly watching and jacking off.

Ectoplasm jizz. Eww.

"Quick! Open the damned thing and get _in _there, idiot!" Cordelia said, hissing it between clenched teeth.

"So romantic," Xander said, sighing. He unlocked the door, eased it open, and slid inside with Cordelia right behind him, crowding him in.

"Bite me, dill weed," Cordelia said, sounding exasperated. "I don't want anyone to see us."

"I thought we got past all that?" Xander said, looking at her quizzically, as he turned back to the door.

"God, you are dense," Cordelia huffed. "I _meant_: see us slipping in here to have _sex_, Jerk." She broke off, looking at him suspiciously. "And you so _knew _that, dorkwad."

"Yup. Cordy: clued. Leg, pulled," Xander said, smirking at her.

"Xander: on thin ice treading," she said, but her lips were starting to twitch. Cocking her head, Cordelia looked at him curiously as Xander locked the door behind them and double checked to make sure the shade was down. "And what were you sniggering at while you were playing with the door?"

His grin broadening, Xander ducked his head and told her.

Cordelia's mouth fell open and she gave him an appalled look. "God! You are so... so... God! That's awful!"

"Funny as hell, though," Xander said, snickering.

"It so is," Cordelia said, shaking her head and laughing. "And I am so going to hell."

"I'll be there with you, at least." Xander waggled his eyebrows and gave her his best engaging look.

"Oh, lucky me."

She came into his arms and found his lips with the ease and familiarity of long practice. Xander's head dipped down to meet hers, and for long, long minutes he lost himself in the sensation of it. Finally, Cordelia gasped and pulled away, her lips wet and slightly swollen, her eyes shining, and her breath coming in short heavy pants.

"What?" he said, looking at her quizzically with his hands up under her skirt fondling her ass cheeks.

"Catching my breath," Cordelia said.

"Ah. I gave up on that," Xander said, nodding. "Benefit of the whole fish thing last year: gills."

Cordelia stared at him, completely nonplussed for a moment. Then she dissolved into laughter, thudding her head down against his chest. "You so do _not!_"

"Damn. You mean you checked?"

"No! I- " she broke off, laughing harder. "Oh, God. I hate you, I really do."

"Do not."

"No, I really don't, dammit." She thumped him lightly on the chest with a fist. "But there are times... "

"Uh huh," Xander said, running his palms and cupped fingers up and over the rounded swells of her ass from the crease at the tops of the thighs up to the inner band of her skirt. "Like now?"

"Oh... God," Cordelia said, shuddering under his hands. Her head came back and her mouth came up to meet his again. "Noooo... "

Xander lost himself for an endless time, drowning in the sensation of Cordelia's soft full lips, probing tongue, and hotly working mouth.

Leaning back finally and letting his hands slide out from under her skirt and up onto the small of her back, Xander gave her a long, slow looking over from the half lidded eyes to where their hips and stomachs were pressed into each other's. Savoring every single inch of the view.

Hot Naughty Schoolgirl. Definitely. And – yum!

"What," she said, finally, her eyes opening a bit more. She gave him an inquiring look.

"Damn," Xander said, running his gaze back up along her and over her face up to her eyes again. "With you looking like this, I can _barely _stand slowing down for our usual warmups."

"Oh," Cordelia said, nodding. She bit at her lower lip, playing with it between her teeth for a moment, and then added, "You don't _have _to, you know."

"And- uh- huh?"

"Slow down," Cordelia said, looking seriously at him. "I'm already warm."

Xander's eyes widened, and then his eyebrows went up. "You mean," he said slowly. Without consciously realizing it, Xander's voice dropped down in to the same soft, dark and _intense_ register it had taken on during his conversations with Buffy and Percy... A half grin, half sneer with a slight lip curl to it came to his mouth as he continued, "I could just slide my hands down to cup your ass and upper thighs," he did that as he was speaking, "Pick you up," he lifted her with his palms until her legs were alongside his thighs with her heels hooked behind them... "Back you up and carry you over here to this desk... " He didn't really even notice Cordelia shiver when the tone registered on her, or her eyes glaze and dilate slightly...

The teacher's desk was just about the right height, he noticed a bit absently. Cordelia laid a line of slow, soft kisses all along his jawline and mouth while he was doing this, and gave a full body shiver under his hands.

Xander backed her up until the backs of his hands hit the desk edge, and then eased Cordelia's rump onto it. "And lay you back like this," he said, running his hands up to her shoulders and pushing her gently down until she was lying flat back on the empty desk top with her legs spread and her calves up over his hips.

"Lean forward and tongue rape your mouth until you're moaning... " he stroked his palms over her long legs and silky hose, and then up along her sides and over her full breasts under the blouse and back down. After about five minutes of that, or less, while Xander slowly ran his hands up and down along her legs, Cordelia was past just _moaning_ and was actually making little whimpering sounds into his lips...

He straightened finally, pulling back and slightly away from her lips. She did her best to follow his mouth up and he gently and firmly pushed her back down with a hand on each shoulder and began running a slow line of soft kisses along her jawline and neck. After working his way down to her collarbone he leaned up and back, smiling down at her with his eyes dark and slightly hooded.

"You mean, like that?" Xander asked, looking at her quizzically. It came out as a kind of a husky growl...

"Guh," Cordelia said, nodding up at him. "I mean..." she stopped, and licked her lips, "Uh... "

Drawing his hands back, he run his palms up along her thighs and stockings to her knees and slowly back down again, pushing her skirt all the way back as she lay there panting up at him. Then he slowly ran them over her lower abdomen and stomach to her breasts and over them, back down again, and toyed for a moment with the lower button of her vest thing.

"And _then_ undo your buttons like this," Xander said, as Cordelia watched him wide eyed, licking her lips again. He did so, moving from that one to the next up, "And this," and the next, "And _this_... "

The vest came open and fell away, and he trailed his fingers down her sides to her waist, across her stomach, and began playing with the bottom one to the blouse...

Every button that came open revealed a new expanse of tanned skin that got a kiss and a slow, rough swipe of the tongue...

The top and final button fell away, as did the two halves of the blouse, exposing Cordelia's white, lacy half bra. A demitasse half cup bra, Xander vaguely remembered her calling it. Damned sexy, he called it. Each lacy cup cradled and hugged the lower slope and swell of a full breast, just managing to cover a nipple on each side. And the scalloped tops each left a third of a large brown aureole peeking out over the lace.

Tented _out_ lace, Xander saw: both nipples were fully erect. And as hard as pencil stubs, he found, when he ran the palms of his hands over them. Cordelia gasped, and her hips jerked against the desk.

"Yank down your bra like _this_," Xander murmured, as he found the tops of the bra cups with the edge of his hands and stroked them down over the nipples and completely off of the mounds of her tits. Cordelia gasped again, and made a harsh, "Hnng!" sound as the sword and stake callouses on the heels of his hands scraped over her nipples.

Slipping his palms and cupped fingers back up over the undersides of her breasts and around the sides, he said, "Grab a tit in each hand and just squeeze... " he did so, "And knead, and play with them a bit," he did that thing, "And roll your nipples between my fingers... "

When Xander rolled and squeezed on Cordelia's nipples and then pulled out on them, pinching down, she arched her back completely off of the desk, her head going back with her mouth open, and went, "Aaannnnggh! Anngh!" Her hips bucked twice and ground her panty and skirt covered mound against his crotch, and her fingers gripped his forearms so hard that he'd bet she left claw marks embedded in them.

She collapsed back against the desk, wild eyed and breathing hard, looking up at him.

"And then just reach down," Xander said, smirking slightly. "And ruck your skirt the rest of the way up," Cordelia nodded, making little, "Ennh, ennh, ennh," sounds in her throat, and raised up her hips as Xander slid her skirt back and all the way up beneath her.

Leaving the skirt bunched up under her lower back and spilling out across the desk, Xander found the edge of the – yes, white and lacy – panties with his fingers, and worked it down over Cordelia's hips and the swell of her ass cheeks as she kept herself hoisted up.

"Yank off your panties like this," he said, sliding them along her thighs and up past her knees as she unbent her legs and raised them straight up into the air in front of him.

Slipping the panties over her knees, and then up along her calves, Xander worked them over first one, and then the other of her buckled high heeled shoes. Holding them between a couple of fingers by the band, he grasped a slender and shapely ankle in each hand, and spread Cordelia's legs wide. Slowly pushing them forward, he eased them back until they were lying fully back with her knees beside her tits.

Holding her ankles with her heels aimed at the ceiling, Xander continued, "Tell you to grab your ankles and hold them... "

Cordelia licked her lips, looking like she was more than half dazed and completely enthralled, and reached up and took her legs in her hands by the calves just under Xander's hands. "Uh huh," she said, licking her lips again, and slowly slid her hands up to grasp her own ankles as he pulled his hands away.

"Suggest that you draw them back to your ears," Xander said, licking his own lips slowly, "While I undo my pants... "

Cordelia pulled her feet down toward her face, still looking dazed, as Xander's hands went to his belt buckle and started undoing it. "Uh... " she said, stopping when her legs were semi straight, partly bent, and her ankles and hands were about eight inches away from her head. "Uh... they won't go _back_ that far," she said, almost whining...

"Oh. That's okay," Xander said, biting his lower lip and nodding seriously. Cordelia nodded back, her eyes huge, dark, and luminous.

"And then you wouldn't mind at all," Xander said, undoing his belt and the top snap to his khakis, "If I just undid my pants and took out my now _massively _raging hard-on," he said, slowly sliding his zipper down, "Shoved it inside of you... "

"Uhhnnn... unnhhh... " Cordelia's hips bucked in front of him and her lower abdomen started to ripple and undulate slowly.

"And fucked you hard, fast, and _raw _without any foreplay?"

"Nooooo... " Cordelia nodded jerkily, her eyes glazing over completely, and her mouth dropping partly open. "Nooo... w-wu-wuh-wouldn't... "

"Ah." Xander nodded down at her. Wow. He damned near sent his gorgeous and hot girlfriend into orbit just by _talking_ to her.

He hadn't realized that was _possible_, even.

Xander took his time pulling his pants open after opening the zipper, watching as Cordelia panted and her hips made little twitching motions. Finally, he nodded and said, "Just what I wanted to know... " and added after a beat, "No thanks."

There was a full thirty count, and then another, of shocked silence.

Cordelia jerked, jerked again, her hips making a rolling bucking motion, and then stilled. She coughed, gasped, coughed again, and then her eyes focused, finally, and she snapped her head up to glare at him.

"_**WHAT?!**_"

Wincing, Xander resisted an urge to dig a fingertip into an ear and wiggle it while looking pained. It would probably get him eviscerated.

He'd bet they heard that strangled "_What?!_" way out _past_ the parking lot.

Xander smiled slowly, and said, distinctly, "I said, no thanks." He paused for a beat, and just when he figured Mount Cordelia was about to erupt all over him, added, "I'd _much _rather go down on you and make you cum your brains out screaming until you pass out, now that I've gotten you all good and wet."

"Guh," Cordelia said. Her hips bucked against him again, _hard_, and she gasped and blinked, looking like she was having whiplash. Or maybe an aneurism...

After a long frozen minute, she blinked again, started to speak and coughed, coughed again, licked her lips, and said, slowly... "I d-don't t-th-think we have time for that. Our free is only fifty minutes."

"Oh."

Sighing, Xander shook his head and continued, "We'll have to skip the passing out part. Maybe I could just eat you until you explode and then screw you senseless?"

"If I don't get _something _in me, Xander," Cordelia said, hissing it out, "And right _now_, I'm going to _beat _you to death with this _desk_."

"Eep!"

"Get. Your. Pants. Off. Jerk. Wad," Cordelia hissed up at him, still glaring. "And _fuck _me."

"Damn. Demanding wench," Xander said, starting to laugh as he grabbed his waistband and shoved his khakis and his stretch boxers down over his hips and ass down to around mid thigh.

"In about ten seconds here, _Xander_," Cordelia said, in a strangled voice and with absolutely deadly sincerity, "I will _kill _you and go hunt down the _football _team!"

* * *

_Next! Is this the end for Xander? Will Cordelia get scrimmaged? Find out soon!_

_._


	2. Adventures in Scooby Sitting

**Part II: Adventures in Scooby Sitting...**

* * *

_Just a short while before that strangled scream of outrage..._

Faith the Vampire Slayer was disgruntled.

Okay, so maybe she hadn't been, like, _completely _sympathetic to Buffy's diatribe on Xander and Cordelia having wild screaming sex on a public bench while they were vamp sitting. For 'not completely sympathetic', read: 'not at fucking _all_'. As in, "Gee, Buffy, maybe if you'd actually _get _laid once in awhile, you wouldn't be such a prissy tight ass."

Maybe the prissy tight ass thing was a bit over the top?

Faith paused to reflect for a moment.

Nnnnaaaaaahhh...

She blew a mental raspberry at _that _idea.

Okay, so it wasn't exactly the most diplomatic thing to say. Didn't justify Buffy freaking flaking out on her midway through every patrol so far, vanishing, and leaving fucking Faith to finish up. As in, patrolling miles and miles of freaking Sunnydale on foot, alone.

Yeah. You heard that right. Miles and miles. Docks, bus station, bars, cemeteries, and all three school grounds.

A town of thirty nine freaking thousand isn't tiny, don't care what snide cracks B makes about a 'one Starbucks town' and 'we so don't have much town'. Bite. My. Ass. Bitch. That many people along a coastline sprawls out over a lot of area from one end to another.

And it wasn't Faith's fault she dozed off while Wolf Sitting for Xander and Cordy and Will. Faith didn't flat give a fuck what Giles thought: Wolf Boy did _not _pick the freaking lock, climb out the open window, go out and kill a few people, sneak back in, and lock himself back in his cage. Nuh uh, no how, no way. Not.

It didn't fucking _matter _that Faith, ah... threw a blanket over the book cage front and, ah, relieved some tension until she was exhausted. Man, after watching the Xander and _Cordy _show... she'd had, ah, unresolved sexual tension to freaking _burn_, baby.

Wolf Boy didn't go nowhere. The damned blanket hadn't even moved.

Which, of course, the little red head and Cordy freaking _proved _with their detective act. But did _Faith _get an apology? Noooo.

_She _just got the memory of being yelled at, well, snarked at in a disappointed sounding dry British voice, and the joy of trying to nail Oz with a tranq while not being eaten in the bad way.

Sigh. At least Cordelia and Xander had been appreciative. And Willow. Hell, Cordy even pointed out that it wasn't likely that Oz snuck out and back in before the detectiving.

Pausing near the cafeteria, Faith watched curiously as the Xander and Cordy in question glanced around hurriedly, and then headed pell mell for a stairwell leading up to the next floor, arm in arm. She grinned. Good for them. At least _someone _was getting fucked in the good way.

Rather than bent over dry by the universe.

Faith flicked her gaze about until it landed on one of the hall clocks. Yup. Around a bit less than a half hour to the end of lunch period. Good time to catch the Giles in and hopefully alone and have a confab.

Reaching the library finally, Faith put a hand on the door handle, and then paused thoughtfully. After a moment, she nodded to herself. Raising up on her toes, she looked in carefully through one of the little windows from the side, being careful not to expose herself to view.

Ayup.

Buffy and Giles were both there. And Buffy was gesturing with great animation while pacing back and forth. Obviously worked up as all get out about something.

Faith couldn't catch any details. Just the tone of voice. Buffy was _pissed_.

And... fuck _that _noise. Sideways and without lube.

Lowering herself back down, she turned her back to the wall beside the door, and folded her arms across her chest. Naw. Oh, hell no.

Faith thought about the whole thing for a bit. On the one hand, she really _would_ kinda like to talk to the Watcher. On the other hand... Buffy in a snit over something.

Faith was getting to where she'd just about had enough of B in the last couple a days to last the rest of her stay in Sunnydale.

With a decisive nod, Faith turned away from the library and ambled back down the hall in the direction she'd come in from. And, okay... now what?

Back to her dingy motel and malfunctioning TV? Aw, screw that. Go wander around town and see what was up?

Naw. Saw enough of the sights of the town the last few nights.

Huh. Glancing at the stairwell, she dithered a moment, and then brightened.

Suddenly, a loud, harsh, outraged and agonized sounding feminine "_**WHAT?!**_" came drifting down the stairwell to where Faith was dithering.

Followed not very long after by the very same female voice saying clearly, "If I don't get _something _in me, Xander," (beat) "And right _now_, I'm going to _beat _you to death with this _desk_."

Faith's eyes widened. Oh, holy crap. She shoved the edge of her fisted hand in her mouth and bit down on a knuckle trying to stifle laughter. Hard.

What the fuck?

Faith got her laughing fit under control, _somehow_, and started up the stairs. Practically staggering from the effort involved in trying to walk, breathe, and snicker at the same time, but starting up them nonetheless...

Right about the time a faint male "Eeep!" came drifting down followed by Cordelia's frustrated sounding voice practically yelling, "Get. Your. _Pants_. Off. Jerk. Wad. And _fuck _me."

Oh, God... Faith practically fell and rolled back down the stairs laughing.

Oh, what the fuck, again.

Cordy and Xander were proving to be more entertaining than anything _else _around this burg.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at the porn interlude..._

Xander stopped with his hardon in hand, staring down at his girlfriend incredulously.

"The _football _team?" he said, his tone wounded. "Ouch. That _hurts_, Cordy."

"Xaaannnndddeerrrr?"

"Huh?" Xander blinked, looking down. "Oh, yeah. Horny girlfriend. Impending death. Right."

"A very _slow _impending death, if my dumb ass boyfriend doesn't _get with the program_," Cordelia said, glaring up at him.

Doing his very best to keep his lips from twitching like they even _wanted_ to smile, Xander moved in closer and edged his hips up to the gates of paradise, so to speak. Or maybe salvation, at the moment... his.

Cordy looked like she was _lethally _serious about this whole thing.

Wow. And incredibly gorgeous and turned on. Man. Xander wondered if she knew just how she looked: clothing disarrayed, falling out of her bra, skirt rucked up around her waist, face flushed down to the tops of her tits, eyes wild, breasts heaving, breath coming in little pants, pupils dilated all the way...

And a little trail of drool out of the corner of her half open mouth.

He also wondered if she realized she still had her legs up and wide open with an ankle in each hand. She looked more like a porn star right now than actual _porn _stars Xander had watched.

Before she could make good on her threats to dismember him and, ah, take her services elsewhere (Hey, humor was great, but let's not be a complete idiot, Harris), Xander leaned in and placed the engorged head of his cock at the lips of Cordelia's soaking wet folds.

Okay, so maybe Cordy wasn't the _only_ one who was about to have death by sexual frustration.

That teasing session had pretty much worked Xander up to the explosion point without him quite realizing it. He shuddered all over and groaned loudly as he felt the moist lips of Cordelia's pussy slide over the glans.

"Oh, guh... " Cordelia said, her eyes closing. "Please... "

Xander ran the head of his cock, now thoroughly slick with precum and dribbling a bit of it out the end, along the folds of Cordelia's lower lips up to the top of her slit, and then back down again to the entrance. She gasped, arched her back, and stiffened all over with her legs quivering.

Leaning forward until he could brace one hand on the top of the desk Xander positioned himself and moved his hips slightly, sheathing the tip of his cock inside of Cordelia.

She gave a harsh little shriek and bucked her hips, hard. And then shrieked again, and began bucking them in earnest with her abdomen undulating.

"Oh... unhn... oh, Guh! Unhh... enn enn enn... hnnn... " Cordelia's eyes squeezed shut to tight little slits and tears leaked out of the corners as she began panting in little gasps.

Placing his other hand flat on the desk beside Cordelia's right shoulder, Xander jerked his hips forward, seating himself all the way up to the hilt inside of his girlfriend in one fast stroke –

– And promptly damned near passed out.

"Oooooooouuuuuaaaahhhhhh OH! Uh! Uuuuunnnggghhhnnnn!" Cordelia convulsed under him and damned near broke in half. "Oh, Guhg! Ah... _Xander!_"

"Guh." Xander found himself somehow lying all the way forward on his elbows with his hands buried in Cordelia's hair, black spots dancing all over his vision – and with no idea how or when he got to that position. And the entire length of his aching cock buried up inside of the most incredible feeling tight wetness he thought he'd ever felt.

With the hot wet Cordelia wrapped around that tight wetness going into convulsions under him and making little "Hnn hnn hnn hnn oh hhnnn!" sounds in her throat and wriggling for all she was worth with her ankles drawn back to her ears.

"Oh, great sweet Googledy and all of the Googlebys," Xander said, or maybe just thought he did. "Heavens to fucking Murgatroyd and all of the sweet fucking sex demons."

Cordelia nodded so hard just under his face that she looked like a bobblehead doll and said something that sounded like, "Uh huhhhhh... oh, Guh _yes!_" and convulsed again.

Xander hadn't even moved in and _out _of her yet.

He was afraid to. He might die.

Make for one hell of an obit in the school newspaper, though.

Sweet blithering _Gee_-sus. If Percy had waited a bit, he wouldn't have had to _ask_ if Xander was screwing Cordelia. He'd have _heard_ them.

Oh, God. He really really hoped that Snyder let him cum first before he burst in and expelled them both.

* * *

_Meanwhile, enroute towards the porn interlude..._

At the top of the stairs and finally out at the entrance to the hallway, Faith stopped, panting and trying to catch her breath.

Day-um. The dribblets and snippets of dialogue coming from whatever room that was happening in damned near had made Faith lose it and fall down the stairs a few times.

Death by laughing her ass off. How embarrassing.

Jesus H. Christ, that girl had a mouth on her.

And man oh man – she was a screamer, too.

Faith wondered just how in the hell those two had managed to be going at it like this for any length of time without having teachers, the Principal, the Sunnydale PD, and emergency services burst in on them with the jaws of life looking around wildly going, "Whut? Whut?"

And just how _Buffy _had managed to be oblivious to the whole, "We're having sex, Buffy!" thing for _any_ length of time.

Okay, so where... aha!

Faith's eyes narrowed.

Y'know, if she was a suspicious sort of gal, she'd almost suspect that Cordelia and Xander were screwing each other's brains out right about over there.

Inside the room that had the little cluster of nerdy looking guys huddled around the door, peeking in at the edges of the window.

One of 'em with a camera.

Faith shook her head, her lips twitching mightily.

Okay. _This _outta be fun.

Wery wery quietly. We're hunting geeklets!

She carefully edged up the hallway toward the little clusterfuck, moving on cat feet. Heh. She coulda stomped up beating a snare drum and with a full marching band behind her – she didn't think that any of the enthralled teens peeking in on the festivities woulda noticed.

When she finally got to about eight feet behind them, Faith straightened, folded her arms across her chest, and put on her best stern expression.

And said, "_**Ahem!**_"

More fun than throwing a packet of lit firecrackers into the middle of a police station.

Geeklets jumped about six feet in the air all over the place, letting out various noises that varied between "Eep!" or "Bleek!" and "Squeap!"

Then landed and spun around to face her, all wide eyed, trembling and pale.

Faith was pretty certain that going by the sound effects inside, Xander and Cordelia had never ever even noticed.

Drawing down her eyebrows in her very best and most ferocious scowl, Faith eyed all of them with a glower that she copied line for line from her poor, late Watcher. And unfolded one arm and pointed down the hallway while tapping her foot and holding the other hand up with a finger held across her lips in a "Shh!" gesture.

They all nodded like their heads were on pivots, turned around, and promptly bolted head on into each other.

Just like a Three Stooges rerun. Faith damned near croaked from the effort of not busting out in hysterics.

Getting her face under control with a massive effort, Faith managed to not _quite _turn inside out laughing as the little cluster fuck got itself straightened out and mostly aimed in the same direction. They began edging carefully away from the door, heading backwards down the hall while watching her carefully.

Deepening her frown, Faith said, "Ahem!" again while pointing at the tallest geek, the one dressed kinda like a Goth and holding the camera.

He froze, his eyes growing even wider, while his buddies abandoned ship and bolted.

Faith slowly raised an eyebrow, and pointed at the camera. Then she snapped her fingers and held her hand out, palm up, and wriggled her fingers in the universal, "Gimme" sign.

He looked horrified at her and clutched the camera to his chest.

Faith arched both eyebrows and rolled her eyes in an, "Oh, _come _on, dude," look that no one on _E__arth _could have mistaken for anything else, and said, "_Ahem!_"

Sighing and looking like she just ate his puppy, he hung his head and trudged over and placed the camera in her open hand.

Faith pointed down the hall after the others, and he turned and trudged slowly and sadly away after them.

Rolling her eyes again, Faith snickered and went over to the door the guys had just abandoned. Ah. The shade was a bit warped. There was about a half inch at the bottom on one side that wasn't covered up, and a gap on the right side.

Out of sheer curiosity – and, of course, to make sure she had the right room... yeah, that's the ticket – she looked in through the crack where the pulled down shade didn't quite cover.

Day-um.

Gonna have to get this film developed.

The bell went off, signaling the end of lunch and students began to mill through the halls. Snickering, Faith shook her head, turned around and planted her back against the wall next to the door, and prepared to guard that section of hallway against all comers.

So to speak.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back in the classroom..._

Oh, dear God.

Finally, Xander managed to recover enough that he thought he might be able to move. At least the area between his knees and his waist, anyway.

Not that he'd really _needed _to so far.

Which was, uh, kind of the problem. Not that it was really a _problem _in the problem sense of the word...

Making little whining ennh ennh ennh oh ohhh ennnh sounds low in her throat, with her eyes squeezed tightly shut, Cordelia had been moving enough for both of them. Xander hadn't managed to even draw back and thrust in since he nearly passed out on entry...

With her flat stomach and lower abs undulating, and her hips swiveling and jerking like a mink on amphetamines, Cordelia had been pretty effectively stroking herself up and down the length of him without Xander's real participation. If this kept up, he'd build up and make like Mount St. Helens without ever needing to twitch.

Oh, dear God in heaven. What the hell did he _do _to her with that little verbal foreplay session?

And how could he bottle it and _sell _it?

Maybe he could teach seminars. If he could ever figure out what the _hell _it _was _and repeat it...

Xander knew one thing for certain, though: he was never _ever _going to do phone sex with his girlfriend. Not if she got worked up to the point where she was going to drop the phone and _run_ to his house and jump him. Or the first vaguely male shaped object she hit on the way...

He really, _really _didn't think that Randall Chase would appreciate it if _he _happened to be the first thing his lust crazed daughter hit on the way out of her room on her way to Xander's...

His own eyes squeezing shut, Xander drew in a long shuddering breath and pulled back out nearly to the tip.

Cordelia's hands left her ankles and locked onto his shoulders as she arched up and back nearly in a bow with a long, drawn out hiss of indrawn breath.

She left bloody claw marks all the way down his back as he slid back in, and made the kind of sound that a coyote makes when a car hits it.

"Oh, G-g-guh-God, Xander! What the hell did you j-ju-just do?"

"Uhhh... " Xander would have shrugged if he could have spared the energy or the attention span. He had zero clue. He drew back again and jerked his hips forward –

"Aaauuuiiiiiooooohhh... ungh! Ungh! Ungh!" Cordelia's eyes went crazed and glazed, and her ankles locked together behind Xander's neck and nearly strangled him.

"C-c-cuh-Cordyyy!"

It came out kind of choked sounding. Fancy that.

"Wha-wha-wha... ?"

"C-ca-can't b-bre-breathe!"

"Ohhh... uhhh... uh huh... "

Oh, great. He really was gonna earn himself that place in that obituary column in the school newspaper.

Saint Pete probably had that chute down _greased _by now, and labeled with Xander's name on it.

With a monumental effort, Xander arched his back and neck and managed to break Cordelia's ankle lock before he asphyxiated. Or mostly. He got enough looseness between her ankles and calves to draw breath, anyway. Thank God.

She muttered something that sounded vaguely like, "S-s-suh-srrry" and went back to swiveling her hips and grinding her crotch into him. She did move her ankles to either side of his shoulders, though. Her heart was in the right place.

Hey, don't garrote your boyfriend in mid thrust. It gets you talked about in the locker room in _all _the worst ways...

Finally drawing in enough air that the black edges retreated from the edges of his vision, Xander shook his head dazedly and managed to lean backward. Straightening up, he took hold of a slim ankle in each hand, and held them up – and _away _from his freaking _neck_.

Jeeze. His girlfriend was deadly even when she didn't mean to be.

Pulling back about half way, Xander shoved his hips forward, thrusting into Cordelia up to the pubic hair. She convulsed again, and buried her fingernails in his biceps as a kind of a strangled squawk came out of her and her eyes bugged out.

After a moment, he did it again. And again. And again, picking up speed on each repetition until he was working in and out at a steady rhythm...

Xander had a vague sense that the Fifth period bell may have rung at some point, awhile back now, but you couldn't prove it by him. Less than vague. Could have been his ears ringing. No worries. They had the full period as a free.

Sunnydale blindness. That had to be it.

That was the only explanation that the back of Xander's mind came up with for why the sounds coming out of Cordelia's throat didn't have every teacher, student, and janitor on all four floors of Sunnydale High clustered around the door wondering who was being murdered inside the old Life Sciences classroom.

Hell. For all he knew, they might _be _out there. Along with every cop, paramedic, and fireman in Sunnydale – afraid to come in:

"You go in and check it out!"

"Fuck you! YOU go in!" (beat) "I'll cover you."

"I'm not going in there! It sounds _horrible_!"

Xander shook his head, continuing to pump into Cordy's tight and incredibly slippery self while marveling at the way the motion and impacts made her full breasts jump up and down on her ribcage with each stroke. Wow. And marveling at the way she'd gone completely nonverbal... just making little gasping and mewling sounds on each stroke.

Okay, uh, not so little. Really _loud_ gasping and mewling sounds.

Heh. As if she was the only one. Xander doubted he could form a word on a bet right now.

After what seemed like an hour, and couldn't possibly have been – Xander figured he would have died of heart failure long before that amount of time had passed – he felt a slow pressure building up down in his balls.

When it finished building and the dam burst, he gave an agonized grunt, buried himself into Cordelia up to the base of his cock, threw back his head with his eyes squeezed shut – and howled like Hyena Boy had repossessed him.

And then his nuts turned inside out and crawled all the way up inside of his abdominal cavity and died. Or felt like it.

Everything went black.

"Guh."

Xander came to lying on top of a twitching Cordelia with his lips melded to hers and his head spinning, breathing harshly and wondering what the fuck hit him.

"Ggnnnhh... Xander?" Cordelia somehow managed to form actual words, into his lips. Xander was impressed.

"What, Cordy?" he said. It came out more along the lines of "Wribble nrgg?"

"Uh _huh_."

Screw it. Words could wait until he evolved back into something capable of walking upright and using fire again.

* * *

_Outside in the hall..._

"Oh. My. God."

Faith's eyes were as wide as saucers and had been for the past fifteen minutes. Or longer. She'd lost track.

At the point where she'd heard, "C-ca-can't b-bre-breathe!" from in there, she'd given up any pretense of not looking in and practically broke in half turning to glue her eye to the crack between the shade and the window frame. More than half afraid she was going to have to burst in and do CPR on someone... which would _suck_, since she didn't _know_ any CPR.

And then she'd been unable to move.

The hell? Did they put something in the _water _here? And was she drinking from the wrong damned fountains? Sheesh!

Naw. Couldn't be.

Buffy obviously hadn't been laid in years.

Finally, when Cordelia screamed and sank her claws into Harris' sides and left a bloody trail down them, and Xander howled and then collapsed on top of her, Faith managed to wrench her gaze away and turned back from the window. And put her back to the wall again, breathing hard with her knees shaking.

Damn!

She shook her head. And again, damn! Uh... was everyone in this school completely oblivious?

Faith had expected to have teachers and school security, if any, pouring out of every door and stairwell craning to see what was going on and who was getting dicked to death and where. In full riot gear.

Not. A. Peep.

The Hellmouth. That had to be it. Faith was immune because she'd just gotten here. She hadn't caught whatever awareness deadening effect it was putting out yet. She should ask the Watcher about that.

Uh... no way in Hell.

She was _not _gonna have to explain to freaking _Giles _exactlywhat it was that brought her attention to the fact that people around here were deaf, dumb, blind, and stupid.

Faith snickered, shaking her head. Damn. She was gonna have to buy a vibrator. Her wrist and fingers were _never _going to hold up at this rate.

She also made a solemn vow at that moment that she was gonna do whatever it took to make sure she became Cordelia Chase's bestest friend _ever_.

* * *

_Back inside and on the desk..._

"Glub," Xander said, shaking his head slowly.

He was vaguely aware that his dick was still buried up to the hilt in wet Cordelia Chase, and that every minute or so it would twitch, pulse, and attempt to shoot out yet another spurt that just didn't exist in his nuts any longer.

He should probably pull out and do something about that.

Naw. Fuck it. It was nice and warm and comfortable in there. He thought maybe he'd just lie here and twitch and dry spurt for awhile.

Like, uh, until Monday...

"Uh huh," Cordelia said, her voice sounding kind of woozy and dreamy. After a long minute or two, she blinked lazily and added, "This desk is cutting into my ass."

"I'd pull out and move," Xander offered, blinking down at her, "If I had bones."

"Uh huh," Cordelia again, nodding slowly.

A long, long moment later, she opened her eyes a tiny bit more and said in a kind of a plaintive tone of voice, "Just what the hell did you _do _to me, Xander?"

"Gummana wha?" Xander blinked again, waiting a long while for the words to percolate through and actually register in a sensible fashion. Then... "Me?! What did _**I**_ do?"

"Uh huh. Yeah, that," Cordelia said, seriously and kind of huskily. "Not that I'm _complaining_, God no but... whu... "

"Uh... _Cordy_... " Xander shook his head again, pulling back from just touching her lips to far enough to look into her eyes without them blurring on him. "_All _I did was pick you up, carry you over here, and _talk _to you."

"Oh. Okay," she said, biting at her lower lip and nibbling on it. After another long minute, she reached up and grabbed him by a handful of hair on either side of his head, her eyes going wide and wild and kinda panicky looking.

Xander winced and gave her a pained look, and a loud, "Ow!"

She let go hastily and said, "Uh, sorry?" Then she added, with complete dead seriousness to her voice and with her eyes unfocused on his, "Xander. If I ever catch you _talking _to another girl, _ever_, I'll rip out her heart with my bare hands and then _you__rs_."

Xander blinked at her, his eyes going wide, and then he sniggered, and slowly started laughing. She looked up at him in wide eyed, wounded incomprehension until he finally managed to recover enough breath to gasp out, "I _promise_, Cordelia. I will never, ever _talk _to any girl but you. Not ever."

"Good."

A minute or so later, her gaze cleared, and her eyes widened even further, and then she giggled and started to guffaw herself.

"Oh. My. God... I didn't _mean _like, _talking _talking... "

"I _know _what you meant, Cordy," Xander said, giggling back at her.

It got to be too much effort to hold his head up fully, so he let it slowly droop forward until his lips hit hers and melted into them.

"We're going to _have _to get up eventually," Cordelia said, once they finally broke apart and came up for air. Her lips just brushed against his with every word. It was the most incredibly cute and sensual thing he'd ever felt. "Because I have to pee," she added.

"Ah. And the romance is derailed by bodily functions once again," Xander murmured. He nodded, looking at her seriously. "Go ahead. I don't mind."

Cordelia stared at him, looking appalled. Xander ran that back through his mind again, slowly, and decided that he could see where the appalled look came from...

"Xander! Eeww!" Cordelia put her hands against his chest and gave him a half hearted shove, and then fell back gasping. After a minute, she started laughing and that was all it took for him to collapse into laughter on top of her.

"I'll move," he promised, once he could stop laughing long enough and breathe again. "Just gimme a minute. And a construction crane."

"I know." Cordelia shook her head as Xander managed to raise himself up on one arm and hold there, swaying a bit dizzily. "Wow. Good God. The hell was that? And what the hell happened?"

Xander looked down at her, struggling to formulate a complex thought and concepts into words that would actually make it through his melted brain and out of his mouth. Finally, he managed: "We had sex."

Cordelia gave him a blankly incredulous and disbelieving look. "No. Really?"

Xander moved his shoulders helplessly in something that approximated a shrug.

Cordelia squeaked when that moved him inside of her, her eyes bulging slightly and crossing, and then shook her head, and said, speaking very slowly, as if to the mentally challenged, "Xander. We've _had_ sex. I remember it. It was good. No... a lot of it was _great_. That wasn't it."

Xander struggled a bit more, and said, "No. I mean: we just had the greatest and most mind blowingly intense sexual experience of my _life_ sex, sex. Maybe several people's lives."

"Oh. Okay," Cordelia said, nodding slowly. "Let's do it again. Often."

Xander stared at her like she was insane. Maybe she was. He drove her crazy with the power of dick... no. Not possible. "Let's wait a little while, huh? Please?"

"I don't mean _now_, Xander." Cordelia sighed dreamily. "But soon."

"Oh. Okay."

After a moment's pause, she raised her head and gave a puzzled frown, looking down, and added, "And why are you still holding my underwear?"

"Uh... " Xander raised his right hand and looked at it. Uh huh. A pair of lacy white panties, still looped over his hand with his fore and middle fingers through the leg hole. He raised it up farther, examining them curiously.

"If you sniff them, I'm leaving... "

Xander gave her an outraged look, and shook his head. "Naw. Was thinking about wearing them." He brought his hand up and draped them carelessly over his head, and grinned, looking down at her with a manic expression and one eye peering through a leg hole.

"Oh... _Gawd_."

Cordelia's eyes went saucer wide and then she fell back onto the desk. Her head hit the wood with a thump and she started giggling hysterically.

"Hey, they're not only pretty – they're comfy!"

"Oh, Gawd!" Cordelia whooped, and then brought her hands up, shoving at his chest. "That does it – get _off _of me, Doofus!"

"Sure."

Bringing his right hand back down, Xander got it planted on the desk, and raised himself up using both arms and a strenuous effort. He managed to slide back, pulling out of Cordelia with a moist sound – which made both of them giggle harder – and then rolled onto his side and off of her, unable to get completely up.

Cordelia wrapped her arms across her stomach, and whooped again. "Oh. My. God. You have claw marks all _over_ you. We're a _mess_, Xander."

"Yeah." Xander sighed and reached up and pulled the panties off of his head. He examined them curiously again. Wow. They really _were _pretty.

Not really a thong... he wasn't sure what you would call them. They had scalloped top edges, a floral lace pattern in front, and a narrow sheer back that he figured would probably work their way in and almost vanish into the cleft between Cordelia's cheeks after a bit of wear. And they were cut down from high on the hips in a rounded V shape to dip in to just over her landing strip... nice.

With a tiny pink bow at the middle of the very front.

"What do you call these, anyway," he asked, curiously.

"Underwear." After a moment, Cordelia turned her head and blinked sleepily at him. "I'm not sure what that cut is called, exactly."

"Ah. Okay."

"Uh... you've _seen _my underwear before, huh?" Cordelia asked, frowning slightly. "I mean, looked at?"

"Well, yeah," Xander said. "These are really pretty." He frowned back at her. "Have you started wearing much prettier underwear since we started, uh... "

"Boinking like crazed mink?"

"Uh huh. Yeah!" Xander nodded enthusiastically, grinning.

"Well, yeah, kinda," Cordelia said. She frowned again. "But I always wore nice things. You didn't notice?"

"Well, yeah, kinda," Xander said, frowning still. "But we almost always made out in the dark before."

"Oh."

After several more long minutes, Cordelia groaned and raised herself up onto her elbows. "We really need to get up," she said. Then... "I'm not sure I can move."

"Bones."

Cordelia looked at him curiously, and Xander elaborated. "I figured it out: we need to evolve bones first." He paused thoughtfully. "And then fire and walking upright, I think."

Cordelia nodded slowly. "Right. We'll start with bones, first." She eased back until she was lying flat on the desk again. "In a minute."

* * *

_Back out in the hallway..._

Time had passed. And then more time. And then even a bit more.

Which, honestly had kinda puzzled Faith. She had figured, considering that Slayer hearing had caught most of the, ah... post whatever the fuck it was called, ah... end of sex convo between her two now very favorite people in all of Sunnydale, that they'd be pulling clothes on and ambling out here pretty shortly. Evidently not.

"It was quiet," Faith intoned just under her breath. "_Too_ quiet. A deathly hush had fallen over the still desert night. Somewhere out there, a barn owl farted." Did SoCal even have barn owls? Uhh... Faith shrugged mentally. Who knew. Who cared? They did now...

"After the ungodly howling and screeching sounds in the distance had finally died off, the Scoobies knew that it was only a matter of time... " Faith snickered under her breath. Struck by inspiration, she continued, again, still softly. "Finally, Willow peered out into the darkness with her eyes wide. 'Wow,' she said, 'I wonder what that was?' Shrugs and blank looks answered her question, for no one else in the little group of intrepid demon hunters had a real response for her. Not even the Watcher. 'It sounded like Cordelia,' Buffy ventured, finally, 'She went all agonizedey on us.' Willow gasped, her hands covering her mouth in horror. 'Great Scott!' said Giles, polishing his glasses, 'That was _horrible_. I-it almost sounded as though that monster were killing her most horrendously!' Willow nodded with her eyes gone huge: 'I- I think he was _eating_ her!'"

A noise from within the classroom behind her startled Faith, and she jumped straight up, whirling around with her hands up to ward off an attack. And then lowered them, feeling, ah... kinda stupid.

Wicked stupid, as a matter of fact.

The 'noise' was a steady, sporadic, buzz saw kinda rasping drone. _Almost _sounded like...

Faith stuck her eye to the crack between shade and door frame again. Uh huh. A-yup.

Kinda like a low pitched, raspy male snore now that ya mentioned it.

Apparently, the effort involved in evolving bones had proven to be too much for them. Faith snickered. Aww. Cordy makes little lip smacking sounds when she sleeps. So does Xander. That's so cute. Xander was sprawled out on the desk on his back with his head back and his mouth open. Cordelia had rolled over and was sprawled out across and over him, with a long white nylon clad leg thrown possessively across his hips and her arm over his chest...

And her skirt still rumpled up over her ass around her waist.

Xander had his right arm curled around Cordelia's waist and a pair of white panties dangling from his first two fingers by one leg hole. And his pants still down around his knees.

"Oh. Rats. Okay, so now I'm stuck here," Faith muttered to herself. Great.

Turning away again, Faith planted her back to the wall next to the door frame, and slumped back onto it, rolling her eyes. After a minute, she snickered again and then started laughing quietly. Gotta give Xander some major props. Unlike most guys, he hadn't rolled over _immediately_ and started snoring after an effort like that.

Or gotten up to grab a beer and turn on the TV.

Well, crap. Hell, might as well get comfy.

After a bit, she fell to examining her confiscated camera curiously. Huh. Nice. Professional looking job, almost. More buttons, levers, dials, and knobs than a space shuttle console. Uh... Nikon E2NS.

Holy crap. This thing is digital, whatever the hell that means.

Whatever Faith just pushed, turned, or clicked, it was letting her access the camera's memory. Digital stuff used memory, right? Or had memory, or something like that.

Uh... right. What she knew about 'digital', you could engrave on one of her eyelashes, Faith thought. With room for the Constitution.

Anyway... day-um. The Goth-geek kid hadn't had _much _time for picture snapping before Faith wandered up and scared thirty years growth off of him, but some of the ones he _had _snapped were cherce.

Damned good thing for him she wandered up, and snagged the camera...

Cordelia would have gutted him, very slowly, if these had ever hit the light of day or general distribution. Hell, _Xander _woulda croaked him.

After selecting a few really nice shots to print out and frame.

Once she'd finished figuring out how to page back and forth through the images in the viewfinder display, or whatever it was called, Faith shrugged and looped the carrying strap over her head and around her neck. She went back to examining her prize.

Okay. So... huh. Not really all that different from a 35mm in a lot of ways. Not that Faith had exactly a lot of experience with cameras, but she kinda knew a bit about them. Side benefit of dating a shutterbug once... ah... well, sleeping with a shutterbug once... okay, well, screwing a shutterbug senseless over a period of months.

_click pssshew_!

Whoa. Cool. Built in flash. And she just got a really nice blurry image of her foot and the surrounding floor...

Grinning, Faith amused herself for a little bit snapping shots of various things in and around the hallway. Whoa. Cooler than shit.

Faith Lehane, girl photog for the Daily, uh, whatever the hell they called the school newspaper around here. Had kind of a nice ring to it.

The sounds of harsh and furtive sounding whispering drew Faith's attention over to the stairwell she'd come up by, and she looked over there, scowling.

Oh. Great. Geek boy apparently wanted his camera back. He brought reinforcements. How sweet.

_Sent_ reinforcements. He hadn't come up himself, 'natch. Different, taller and blonder looking Goth type kid, with a...

Whoa. Really big guy. Probably, uh... over a foot taller than Faith, and more than twice her weight or better. Brown hair, nicely built, blue eyes. Great glare.

Might have been intimidating to anyone else.

After a couple of minutes of hurried and hushed conferencing, the big guy straightened and came marching over to her. Faith gave him a jaundiced looking study from under a raised eyebrow as he stomped up, and then when he was several feet away and starting to open his mouth, put a finger to her lips and said, "Shhh!"

Big Guy blinked at her, kinda startled looking, and opened his mouth and said, "Okay, what do you think you're – "

Faith rolled her eyes and stepped up to him, glaring upward. "I. Said. Shh! What, are you a fucking retard or something?" she whispered fiercely.

Big Guy stepped back hastily, taken all aback and shit. "I- " he lowered his voice hastily at Faith's increased glare, and stage whispered, "Am not retarded! And hey, fun's fun, but I gotta get the camera back. No hard feelings – gimme."

He reached out a hand and Faith smiled sweetly and slapped it away.

"Hey!" Big Guy was slow on the uptake, obviously.

"Sigh. Look, guy," Faith whispered, rolling her eyes again, "I'll _give_ the freaking camera back. _After _I figure out how to get the images or memory or whatever out of it, 'kay?"

"No! Not okay," the guy whispered back. His eyes narrowed suspiciously, and he whispered, "And why are we whispering, anyway?"

Snerk. Geek Goth apparently didn't tell him _why _he lost the camera.

"Never mind that," Faith said. "Look – hold still for a moment, 'kay?"

"Ah... huh?" Big Guy blinked down at her, kinda startled looking.

Smiling, Faith stepped up, patted him on the chest – and then took hold of him by a fistful of collar and the belt and grunted, hoisting him up and over her head horizontally. He grunted and said, "Hey!" in a startled and kinda panicky voice.

Faith glared up at him while holding him over her head and whispered fiercely, "_Shhh_! I _mean_ it!"

She lowered him to top of her head level and then raised him to arm's length. Repeated the process. Several times.

Then she set him back down on his feet, not even breathing hard, and smiled up at him again, patting him once more on the chest. "I'll give back the camera once I get the images out of it. I promise. Any questions?"

"Ah... uh... ah... " Big Guy backed up hastily, all wide eyed and kinda startled looking. He swallowed really, really hard, turned kinda pale like, and whispered fiercely, "But I gotta get the camera back from you."

Wow. At least the boy had a pair.

Not enough brains to pour piss out of a boot, but he had a pair. Faith was impressed.

Cocking her head, she studied him for a moment. Finally, she sighed, pushed her hair back away from her face with both hands, feeling kinda frustrated, and whispered, "Did Geeklet tell you what he and the Four Stooges were shooting when I took his play pretty away?"

"Uh... " the Big Guy shrugged and looked blankly at her. Figures.

Faith rolled her eyes, sighing heavily, and pointed at the window shade – and the space between it and the window frame. After a moment, Big Guy's eyebrows went up and he stepped over, leaned down, and peered inside.

He straightened hastily and backed away.

Whirling around, he fixed the intimidating kinda glare on the other Goth Geeklet, and stage bellowed, err, whispered, "_Iverson_!"

The new geeklet turned kinda sheet white and stared back with a perfect, "Oh _shit_!" expression plastered all over his mug, shrugged helplessly –

– And bolted.

Big Guy went after him.

Faith grinned broadly and went back to playing with her camera.

Damn. More entertainment per mile than any _four _people in this burg. Gonna have to hang around Chase and Harris more often from here on in.

* * *

_Still out in the hallway: close to the start of Sixth Period..._

Okay. This was just cooler than shit. Faith could definitely get a wicked Jones on for this thing.

Considering that she now didn't have much else to do except for guarding the door to the Chamber of Lust, as she'd taken to calling it in her mind, she'd been spending the last twenty minutes or so studying her new camera and playing with the buttons and gizmos. Oh, and checking every once in awhile on her, uh... charges.

Still zonked. Dead to the world. Nailed to the desk. _Ex_-teenagers. Dee Oh freaking A from sexual overexertion.

Ah, what the hell. Let 'em sleep. The two kids freaking earned it after that.

Jesus Christ on a vibrator. Sorry, J. But, damn. _That _had sounded _intense_.

The last time Faith had done anything that intense in the... uh... damn. Faith couldn't remember _ever _having done anything that intense in the sack. Which was kinda sad, all things considered.

Anyway, screw it. Cordy and Xan would wake up eventually. All _Faith _had to do was make sure no one walked in on them or busted 'em for it.

Or got a new camera and peeping Tommed them and filmed Cordy's bare ass laid out on the desk. Or anything.

So... huh. She'd figured out how to bring up a little screen of stuff to do, including deleting pics off the memory thing. Which was cool. Not that she'd deleted the handful of pics of Xan and Cordy knocking boots.

Hey, not completely stupid. Faith still wanted prints.

Did mean, though, that she could practice taking photos of crap all up and down the hall and play with the focus and lenses and other dials, knobs, buttons, bells and whistles – and then get rid of her screwups to make room for new ones. Nifty.

A loud clanging noise practically made her jump out of her skin.

Yikes! Recognizing it as the end of class bell was the only thing that kept her from making like Tom from Tom & Jerry and the janitors having to peel her off the ceiling later. All ten claws embedded in the acoustic tiles and puffed up twice her normal size with her hair standing on end. Be freaking embarrassing.

Less than thirty seconds later, while Faith's heart was still coming down out of her throat, doors burst open all up and down the corridor and the hallway flooded with teenagers.

Assuming a casual lean against the doorjamb, Faith went back to playing with her camera while warding off the occasional curious Tom, Dick, or Harry from the not quite empty classroom with a death glare. And, a bit reluctantly, warding off the occasional stud with an eye for 'hey, let's hit on the new babe!'

Okay, more than just a _bit _reluctant. Faith _seriously _wanted to get laid at about this point.

And not a single sound of movement or stirring from inside. Man – not even that freaking loud bell woke those two up.

Jeeze. Lotsa kids on this floor. Curious ones – it began to dawn on Faith that she was starting to _attract _more attention to the door behind her than she was diverting. Uh...

Oh, what the hell. Have props, will travel. When in doubt, act like you belong there and _do_ something.

Anything.

Spotting a vaguely familiar looking blonde strolling down the hall with a bunch of other girls – a hot looking black girl, a gorgeous redhead, a brunette, and another blonde – Faith raised the camera to her eye, stuck the tip of her tongue out of the corner of her mouth and focused carefully. And started shooting.

Huh. Again, kinda vaguely remembered having them pointed out to her on the Scooby School Tour as Cordelia's old posse. Who dumped Cordy when she started dating Xander openly... The main blonde was, uh... Hominy or something. Naw, hominy was grits. Never mind. Then again, California, so who knows?

Dropping to one knee, she aimed on the blonde and whistled loudly. "Hey! Smile, babe! Say cheese!"

Perfect! Caught Hominy in mid turn with her mouth open and a stupefied and annoyed expression.

"What?!"

Uh... a poster on the wall caught the corner of Faith's eye and she called over, "Homecoming committee! Smile for the camera, girl!"

The blonde immediately brightened, as did a couple of the other members of her posse, and began to mug for the camera. Yup. Never fails. Scratch a cheerleader and you'll find a layer of ham three feet thick.

There was a small commotion way down at the other end of the hallway. It caught Faith's attention and she raised an eye from the viewfinder and threw a hasty glance that way. To see kids parting and scattering in a wave like a school of sharks fleeing a killer guppy and...

Oh, shit.

A strutting figure about four and a half feet tall came into view way down there, through the crowds.

Oh, shit, again. A-yup. Big ears, massive scowl, and a bald pate with a fringe of hair over a way, way too expensive looking suit for his job. Looked kinda like Quark from that DS9 show. Principal, uh... Sneedler. Snoodley. Saddler. Snidely.

Oh, who gave a rat's what his name was. The Sunnydale High Principal from Hell.

And Faith was on campus and did _not_ go to his school. With a comatose, half dressed Xander and Cordy passed out in the room behind her. Holding a stolen camera.

Partly filled with incriminating pictures. Dirty ones.

Crap.

Well, now. This just took a sudden turn for the fucked now, din't it?

* * *

Okay. Crap. What now?

Call it a day, hey, good try but – see ya! and bolt?

Faith was pretty sure she could spin and hit the stairwell at the other end of the hallway going from zero to flat out in 2.2 seconds from a dead start. No prob. Principal Sneedler would see nothing but a blur in a pair of hip huggers vaporizing.

Naw. Weasel Boy might just decide to check doors and peek into empty classrooms- ayup, he was rattling knobs way down there. So she couldn't just –

Waitaminnit. _Why _was she running interference for Xander and the Cordy Monster again?

Uhhh...

Faith's mind spun like a slot machine's dials and came up blanks. Never mind that. She'd _decided _to, and by this point, Faith was kinda like the bacon in a ham and egg breakfast.

Y'know: the chicken being _involved _in the whole thing, but the _pig _is _committed_.

You don't let your buds down.

Faith wasn't sure the two counted as buds, not really – but they were the closest thing she had right now in this town. Which was kinda sad. Still, once they got past the whole Xander drooling over her thing, they'd been fairly decent to her. Yeah yeah: the cheerleader had snooty down to an art form, but she'd thawed considerably over the past several days.

Hey, getting your brains fucked out regularly will do that to ya.

And hey more: if Principal Smedley caught them ah... sprawled out asleep and undressed in all their post fucking glory, he'd kick 'em out and there'd go half of B's support group and the best part of Faith's entertainment, or most of it.

Can't have that.

So... shit. Those two were gonna _owe _Faith by the time this was done. Even though they were never ever gonna know about any of this.

So... uh... props, props, props. Gonna brazen it out, you gotta have props. What _kind _of props, fer cryin' out loud?

Raising her head again, Faith kinda absently clicked off another pair of random shots at the group of mugging girl gang members, while throwing a hasty glance around this end of the hall. Oh. Yeah... Okay – _there_.

Snapping a last photo while aimed kinda vaguely at the vapid looking blonde, Faith grinned broadly and a bit maniacally at them and said, "Cool! That was great. You're a natural. Love ya, babe. Bye!"

Spinning on her heel, Faith strode down the hall toward her targets of the moment, grinning like a maniac with half baked ideas whirling madly through her brain. Behind her she heard a yelp followed by a strangled, "What? Wait, hey!"

Plowing to a halt a few feet from her targets: a tall basketball player looking kinda guy in a heated lip lock with a curvy Hispanic girl in front of an open locker, she raised the camera, focused hastily, and zapped them into immortality.

_click pssshew_!

"That was _great!_" Faith said, loudly.

Both teens broke lip lock and spun to face her, looking startled. Faith fastened the manic grin on them, eying them both appraisingly. Yup. The darker girl was _just _about Faith's height and size.

"_Just_ for you two being the One Hundredth Couple to pass by my station here," Faith said, cheerfully, "Man, have _I _got a deal for you and your girl! This offer _not _available in stores."

"What? Huh?"

"You two! Yeah, you!" Faith grinned at them and winked bawdily. It felt kinda like a spasm, under the circumstances, but it was a wink. You bet. "Step right this way, kids. Oh – and that outfit won't _do_... lemme take that offa ya for a minute, babe... "

Ten seconds and a lot of hasty flimflamming later, Faith had both of them posed in front of and under the big "Homecoming!" poster on the wall just down from her appointed spot and posing for the camera. And _she _was wearing the Hispanic gal's _jacket_, which was the important part...

Clicking madly away, angling the camera this way and that, and doing her manic best to look like a real fashion photog from a video or something.

Faith took a hasty inventory of the gal's pockets between shots. Ok, coolness. More props. A half pack of Juicy Fruit, a ballpoint pen, a small notepad, and a slightly chewed yellow pencil. Groovy.

She could work with this.

Pencil goes behind left ear, with her hair pulled back and away on that side. Ballpoint in breast pocket, with the notepad stuffed in there kinda open and flapping outside. Couple a sticks of Juicy Fruit stuffed in her mouth, and shove the crumpled wrappers hastily into a pocket...

_Just _in the nick of fucking time, too.

"All right!" a deep, nasally kinda voice bellowed out. "What is going on here! You two – _get_ to class!"

Both of Faith's, uh, subjects... okay, hapless victims, stiffened and turned deer in the headlights looks on the suited runt. Principal Smedley strutted his way in between them and Faith, drew himself up pompously to his full three and a half foot of height, and looked up imperiously at her.

"You there!" he snapped out, aiming a forefinger at her. "What are you doing with that camera? And that _jacket _on!"

Faith drew herself up with massive indignation up to _her _full five foot five inches, and glared down at him with her very best outraged expression. And took her South Boston accent, hoisted it, let go, and booted it slightly down south to land with a thud somewhere in between Joisey and Yonkers.

"'_E__y!_" Faith yelled, "You dere! Yeah, _youse_! Ya _mind_? Ged oudda my shot! I'm _wo__i__kin__'_heyah!"

* * *

_Next! Is there method to Faith's madness? Or merely madness to her methods? Find out next chapter!_

_._


	3. Duck Season! Wabbit Season! Principal Se

**Part III: Duck Season! Wabbit Season! Principal Season!**

* * *

_Meanwhile, back in the love nest, just past the start of Sixth Period..._

Huh? Wha?

Xander blinked, cracking his eyes open to slits, kinda. Naw. Too much effort. He let them slide shut again, tightening his grip around Cordelia.

Damned funny dream. Coulda sworn there was the most godawful clangor going on... and a harsh New York voice bellowing something about sewer work...

Umm. Huh. Nope. Nothing, now. Screw it.

"Huh, wha... ?" his girlfriend's sleep muzzy voice murmured curiously into his neck, with an edge of whine to it.

"Nothing, Cordy," Xander murmured back. His hand came up and stroked her hair, and she rumbled like a purring cat and snuggled deeper into and against him. "Go back to sleep."

"'Kay. Not time to get up yet... " her voice trailed off in mid statement and a soft, raspy buzz replaced it.

Yeah. Sounds like a really good plan. Just hit snooze.

Xander let his head fall back again and drifted back off.

* * *

_Back out in the hallway, just past the start of Sixth Period..._

Pins, dropping. Leaves could be heard blowing across the quad downstairs and way outside. Somewhere, crickets chirped loudly and then fell silent.

Mouths went agape all over that section of hallway, all the way back to both stairwells in a ripple pattern.

The little rodent stared at her, his mouth falling open and his beady little eyes bugging out. Completely and utterly flabbergasted.

Just _exactly _where Faith wanted him.

Okay, 'want' was maybe a strong word for anything that Faith would care to have associated with the little weasel...

But hey, still... if you can send them careening completely and totally off the rails right from the get go, you can steer 'em wherever the hell you want 'em to go, she always said.

Well, maybe not in so many words, exactly. But she'd certainly _thought _it a few times.

"_What _did you just say?"

Weasel Boy rose up on his little tiptoes, eyes bulging and the words coming out in kind of a strangled hiss.

"_What_, I stuttered and your ears flapped?" Faith snorted derisively. "_Look_, pal. I gotta lot of photos to shoot here, and den I gotta be _completely _on de udder side 'o town before da school day ends, buddy. So if'n ya _ain't _gonna be a part of the _shoot_, yer a part 'o da problem. _Quit _being a part of da frigging problem!"

"You _**what?**_"

Oh, wow. Man, that color just _couldn't _be very healthy.

Faith sighed heavily, submerging a nearly overwhelming urge to roll on the floor with her arms wrapped around her middle going into hysterics. Instead, she rolled her eyes heavenwards, sighed again, and made a gesture with her hands that practically spelled out, "Why me, Lord?" in smoke signals and semaphores.

"I got a photo shoot to finish. Or my editor will _kill _me," she said, clearly and slowly in an exaggeratedly patient tone of voice. Kind of like the one you used speaking to small children, slow dogs, and retahds. "And yer gettin' in the way 'o progress, pal."

Thank gods for the occasional train trips that her and her buds had made from Boston down to Manhattan in the summers. Made it real easy for her to fake a better'n decent Bronx.

Complete to the built in and ingrained New Yorker Metro Worker's impatience with lower life forms and idjits.

Toss in just a touch of no-nonsense NYPD flatfoot for seasoning. And stir.

"Editor?" Weasel Boy looked completely nonplussed for a moment. Then he drew himself up again and glowered at her. "You don't work for the school newspaper!"

"Da _hell _I don't!" Faith snapped, drawing herself up in her own indignant huff.

Day-um. They were drawing quite a crowd.

The bell for classes to start had already rung and gone while she was in mid flimflam. Didn't matter, apparently. _She_ was obviously the most entertainment this floor had seen since the invention of sliced bread, going by the rapt expressions and wide grins...

Everyone was watching the proceedings with an intensity that was usually reserved for Sudden Death in football games. Or impending train wrecks.

Or lynchings.

Faith hoped like hell that Rosenberg or Summers didn't have any classes on this floor. Last thing she needed was either of them ruining the act. Oh, crap – she spotted Wolf Boy off at the back of the crowd on one side and nearly died. She shot him a desperate glare over the Principal's head.

Oz blinked at her slowly, and then, equally slowly, brought his hand up to his mouth – and made a lip zipping and locking movement. Followed by a slow wink.

Good man. Apparently he hadn't forgotten that Faith had been firmly on the side of 'he didn't get out, he didn't do nothing, and you can't prove nothing no how.'

"You don't!" Principal Snidely practically hissed. "I've never seen you _anywhere _around the offices of the Sunnydale High Sentinel!"

"Huh?" Faith blinked at him. From the corner of her eye, she caught a glimpse of a folded school newspaper being held under a student's arm with a load of books. Oh. _That _was the name of it. Shaking her head, Faith shoved her hair behind her right ear with an impatient gesture. "Naw, man. I work for da udder one."

"We don't have another newspaper," Snidely said, blinking up at her in confusion.

"Not _your _newspaper," Faith said, rolling her eyes again. Enunciating clearly and distinctly, she said carefully, "The _other _one. The – " uh... what was a good name for a school paper, anyway?

She repressed a wild impulse to say, 'The Daily Planet.' Faith didn't figure that 'The Daily Bugle' would fly, either, but it sure would be funny as all hell.

Aha!

"– The Grant Clarion! Ah, Grant High Clarion," Faith ended the statement as smoothly as she could manage.

"I thought Grant's paper was the Beacon?" Snidely seemed seriously befuddled now. All to the good.

"Naw, that's the – " uh, what was the name of that other school? Sheesh, she patrolled it just last night– "Fondren paper. _Grant's _is the _Clarion_."

If any student in the entire stretch of hallway piped up and said different, Faith was gonna beat 'em to death with her new camera.

Snidely blinked up at her again, and then a triumphant look spread over his features. "Grant? You don't belong here! We don't allow other school's students on our grounds!"

"Well, duh," Faith said, her tone going all derisive on him. She snorted. "It's a multi-academic district initiative."

"It is?"

"Didn't you get the _memo _for cryin' out loud?" Faith said in complete exasperation, or at least a real good imitation of it. Okay, more like blind panic, but still... "Holy Christ! Don't tell me they goofed _that _up again?"

"Memo?" Snidely blinked again, obviously ransacking his brain trying to recall if he ever saw a non existent memo. "Look," he said, impatiently. "Never _mind _that. You can't be on school ground here, wearing... _that_," he aimed an index finger at Faith's borrowed Grant High School letter jacket, "Without a signed permission slip and forms!"

"Duh! We _sent_ you the forms, for cryin' out loud! Or they was supposed ta!" Faith shook her head, turning her eyes heavenward again. "Look," she said, stomping over to him and glaring downward. He stepped back almost instinctively. "It's not _my_ fault the office screwed up!"

"Ah... " Smedley glared at her and huffed. "Look, you- uh, who _are_ you, anyway?"

Uh. Crap. Faith had a major feeling that 'Peter Parker' wasn't gonna fly here. And she didn't feel like a 'Betty Brant.'

Desperately, she grabbed her middle name and stuck it in front of another comic book character. "Michelle. Lane. Michelle _Lane_, ace Photographer. For the Grant Clarion."

A snicker started up, and then died a horrible death at the hands of the glare Faith shot toward the snickerer.

When cornered, go on the attack... Faith let the camera drop on its strap and stuck both fists on her hips. "And just who da heck are_ you__se_, anyway?"

"I'm the _Principal _here!" Weasel Boy snapped out.

"Really?" Faith widened her eyes. "Wow, guy – you're _just _the guy I've been looking for all morning!"

Snyder blinked, peering at her in confusion. He obviously hadn't expected that. Probably because since even he had to realize that since no students in their right or _wrong_ minds _ever_ looked _for_ him that it was a _completely_ outta left field statement in his world...

"I am?"

"Hell- uh, heck yeah!" Faith nodded vigorously. "Man. Principal, ah... Snidely, right?" Sniggers rippled out all across the hallway in all directions.

"_Snyder!_" Weasel Boy snapped his head around, glaring in all directions practically at once.

"Snyder, right," Faith said, grinning widely and nodding like one of those little dogs you see stuck to car dashboards. "I'm supposed to do a full spread on you!"

"You are?" He blinked at her, completely derailed again.

"Shoot! Heck yeah. Man of the week, most innovative educational figure in Sunnydale... " Faith was layering it on with a trowel, and didn't _care _at this point. She aimed an index finger at the Homecoming poster and stated, emphatically, "Holding yer Homecoming dance at that Bronze place? Genius! _Most _schools just use their gymnasium, cafeteria, or some rented hotel ballroom. You? Finger on the pulse of today's youth!"

"Well," Snyder puffed up like a bullfrog, grasping his lapels, "I certainly– "

"Say cheese!" Faith brought the camera up and _click pssshew_! caught him in mid back patting before he broke his own arm. "Perfect!"

"It was?" Snyder blinked at her again. He turned slightly, still grasping his lapels. "Don't you think that a quarter profile would be more flattering?"

Dude. Embalming would be more flattering on you, Faith thought... She grinned and snapped another. "Stand over there directly in front of the poster and a bit to one side," she said.

Snyder scurried to reposition himself, grinning like a ferret.

_click pssshew_! _click pssshew_! _click pssshew_!

"Great! Yer a natural, baby!" Faith didn't say a natural _what_. She hoped the camera wouldn't break in half...

"Fantastic!" Snyder said, beaming. "What kind of spread is this, anyway?"

Guh. He _would_ have to ask that, sheesh...

"Special Edition," Faith said, brainstorming like crazy. "Teenage Coming of Age Rites in the Dawn of the, uh, Twenty-first Century. Mating Rites of the American Teenager, Homecoming and, ah... "

"Prom?" someone in the crowd suggested.

Faith ignored the voice from the peanut gallery, springboarding to, "Other Evolutions of the Sock Hop in the Modern Era." Shrugging, she added, "I'm kinda _amazed_ that you're letting Grant get the jump on ya on with this'n. Didn't think the Mayor'd let you – you bein' his special... ah... Showcase School and all."

"Fantastic!" Snyder said again, nodding enthusiastically, "And we're not – of _course_ we aren't! All right, come on. Come with me!"

"Huh?" Faith gaped at him.

"Down to my office."

"Wait, what? I- I- I... " Faith threw a desperate look around for a means of escape. Dammit – the crowds were too tight around them to bolt through now.

Everyone surrounding them looked absolutely _riveted_ by the little drama. Or maybe by Faith's rapidly growing pile of bullshit.

Maybe if she vamped him and threw the little weasel down and screwed his –

No. Just... _no_. Oh, _hell_ no. She wasn't that desperate... or _that_ horny. She'd never _be_ _that_ horny... She'd cut her own throat first. Or turn and bolt and leave her charges to fend for themselves. Chase and Harris would just have to cover their own asses.

Not even zonked out of her mind on roofies, Ecstasy, and _Everclear_ would she ever be that horny.

A girl had to have _some_ standards, sheesh.

"For the forms!" Snyder said, rolling his beady eyes. "If you're going to be shooting a full photo spread on me, we have to make sure all of the proper forms and applications are filed. The Mayor will insist on it. _Just_ a formality, you understand."

Striding forward, he grasped a gaping Faith by the elbow and began turning her toward the end of the hallway that he'd come down from.

"And for more photos. Will there be an interview, you think?" Snyder said, starting to hustle her down the hallway. Faith resisted for a moment, looking around wildly.

"Well, sure," she said. Oz! Oz owed her one now. Several. Where did, uh... aha! There.

Catching Oz's eye, she gave the little guitarist a desperate look, and jerked her head toward the doorway that she'd been guarding. He blinked, and raised an eyebrow.

Faith nodded, and jerked her head to it again and back, arching both eyebrows at him and winking ferociously. Starting to feel kinda like a _complete_ spaz, but what the hey...

Oz's eyes narrowed slightly. He followed her head jerk to the door with his gaze, raised the other brow, looked back, and then nodded slightly.

As she let Snyder begin hustling her down the corridor, chattering a mile a minute into Faith's elbow, she saw Oz saunter over to the doorway to the Chamber of Lust and casually lean with his back against the door and his arms folded across his chest.

And an extremely bland expression to beat all bland expressions firmly pasted across his mug.

Good enough.

Applause followed them all the way down the hall to the stairwell.

Turning back, Snyder glared at everyone, including the wave of people parting like the Red Sea to let them through. "Get. To. Class! _All_ of you! And if you don't have class, get somewhere! Now!" Pausing, he glanced up and over at Faith. "And you – get rid of that gum!"

She stuck it to the bottom of the camera, conveniently covering the engraving there that said, 'Property of the Sunnydale High Sentinel'.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at the door to the Chamber of Lust..._

Show over, students began filing off towards various classrooms or down toward the Student Lounge and Quad, those who had frees. Oz leaned his head back and closed his eyes, smiling slightly.

"Dude," Devon's cheerful voice boomed at him. "Who was that girl?"

Oz cracked an eye open slightly, looking up at his band mate. "Michelle. Lane." (beat) "Ace Photographer." He closed his eye again.

"Rrriiiiiiigggghhhhtttt... " Devon drawled out. "Fine. Don't tell me. So – why are you leaning there?"

"Guarding." Oz's eyes closed again, and he settled himself more comfortably against the door frame.

"Guarding what?"

"The door."

He could _feel _Devon blinking at him. Didn't have to see it. _And _his band mate grinning and shaking his head, more than used to Oz's taciturnity by now.

"_Why _are you guarding the door, Oz?"

"Karma."

"Sigh. Okay, so, what's behind the door?" Devon said, starting to sound a bit exasperated.

"Sans clue am I. No clue."

"Lemme look... " Oz held up a hand without opening his eyes, palm out, and stopped Devon in his tracks before he could lean in and peek around the shade.

"Nope."

"Maaann... " Devon's voice was cheerfully annoyed. "You've sure gotten strange since you've started hanging out with Summers' little crowd. Strange-_er_, anyway." He huffed. "Fine. I gotta get to class anyway. You?"

"Have a free."

"Cool. See ya."

Chuckling, Devon strode off. The hallway cleared rapidly.

Once it sounded like it was empty, Oz cracked his eyes open again, checking. Yup. All gone.

Curious himself, he casually turned and stepped slightly to one side so he could peer through the crack where the drawn shade didn't completely cover the window.

Had to know, in case he had to cover against someone more intrusive, insistent, or authoritative than Devon, after all.

And he really _was _curious as to what had sparked Faith's inspired and almost desperate looking line of patter to distract Snyder, as well as her insistence that Oz get the door after her.

An eyebrow went up, and then he nodded slowly.

Ah.

Oz turned back around and leaned in front of the doorjamb again, his arms refolded across his chest.

No problem. A man has to take care of his friends. Whatever that entails.

Nice to know Faith felt the same way about things. Cool.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back inside of the Chamber of Lust, part way into Sixth Period..._

Huh? Whut? Uh...

Xander blinked vaguely up at the ceiling of the vacant and slightly darkened classroom.

Damn. That was the strangest damned dream... more clangor, a foghorn, a New York traffic cop and a dancing weasel, and him and Cordy on stage in the auditorium without any pants. And thunderous applause.

And he had a piss hardon to beat all piss hardons.

Plus, a silken length of Cordelia's stocking clad thigh lying over his painful erection, and the rest of her half sprawled out on top of him breathing softly in her sleep. Warm and weighty pressure of full soft breasts spread out against his chest, and a wave of tousled dark hair tickling his chin and throat.

Yummy.

Raising his head up just far enough Xander pressed a kiss into the top of Cordelia's head before the effort became too much. He let it drop down again against the, uh, surface under him. Cordelia stirred in his arms, raising her own head just far enough to rest her chin on a forearm and blink sleepily at him.

"Ummm... " she said, smiling slightly. "Hi there."

"Hey," Xander smiled back, feeling his eyelids droop almost shut.

"Had the weirdest dream... " she murmured. "New York fashion photographer. Dancing ferrets. And the Staten Island ferry... "

"Were we naked?"

Cordelia gave a throaty, sleepy chuckle. "What makes you think you were in it?"

"Intuition."

"Yes. We were both naked." She paused and then added, sounding kind of dreamy, "You were wearing a hard hat. And a tool-belt."

"Ah. Musta been a Playboy shoot then," Xander murmured back.

"Must have."

Cordelia shifted in his arms, and the soft inside of her thigh rubbed across his hard-on. Xander arched back slightly, and gave a soft groan.

"My," she said, blinking at him. "Little Nighthawk hasn't been sleepy, huh?"

"Little Nighthawk's not so little right now."

The thigh moved slowly again, stroking the length of him. "So I see." Cordelia chuckled throatily. "Mmmm."

With her eyes closing, she shifted, squirmed a bit, and wriggled over until she was lying forward with her lips almost touching his and her hips straddling him, a thigh on either side of his. She raised herself up a bit down there, wriggled again, and shifted forward and then back and –

– And suddenly he was surrounded by hot, wet, tight and slippery Cordelia Chase.

"Uuuuggghhh... " Xander's hands automatically came up to press against her shoulder blades, and then run slowly and gently along her back over her bolero, blouse, and skirt until they reached and cupped her ass cheeks. Cordelia's face lowered until her lips were just meeting his.

She sucked his lower lip in between her own, and let it slip back out slowly.

"Ugh?" Cordelia's eyebrows arched slightly at him, over her mostly closed eyes.

"Ummm. Yummy," Xander said, smiling slightly into her lips.

"Good save."

"I thought so."

Cordelia's lips closed over his again and Xander lost himself in their softness for... he kind of lost track. A long while. No matter. He really couldn't think of anything that took priority, anyway.

Some interminable time later the kiss broke by mutual consent, or mutual need for air or something silly like that.

"So," Xander murmured, his lips brushing against hers, "Shouldn't we be getting up, maybe?"

"Hrrm." Cordelia's smile against his mouth felt wickedly innocent, if that wasn't a contradiction in terms... "I could _swear_ that you were already up."

"Oh, I'm up all right," Xander murmured, and felt her smile broadening slightly. "I just, ah... " he gave up on it as her hips rose slowly and then lowered, working herself back down along the length of him. _Really_ didn't matter.

"Uh huh." Cordelia's hands came up, the palms running up over his chest until they were lying flat on his shoulders with her fingertips just curled over his trapezius muscles. "We don't have bones yet," she said.

"Huh?" Xander blinked at her, letting his eyes go almost completely closed again afterward.

"Bones," she explained. "We haven't evolved any bones. Can't get up yet with no bones."

"Ah." Xander nodded slowly, his lips brushing against hers with each movement. "I'm still working on language. Fire's next."

"Ah. Fire. Meat on sticks," Cordelia murmured into his lips. She lifted her hips slowly, sliding herself along the length of him and then eased back down.

"Cordy, ona steek!" Xander said, snickering softly.

"Just call me José Jalapeño... "

"Beats the heck out of being screwed by Walter," Xander said, still softly. "Or Jeff Dunham."

"Or Peanut... "

"Eewww."

"_You_ play with _dolls_. Where's your date-tuh," Cordelia murmured, the slices of her eyes that he could see peeking out from under her lowered lashes dancing at him.

"Very slowly and excruciatingly working herself up and down along my cock, I think," Xander said, into her lips as they closed over his.

"Hmm... " Cordelia pulled back just far enough to whisper, "You think?"

"I'm almost certain of it," Xander whispered back. "Or else José is giving me a blow job."

"Snerk. On a steek... "

If the last time had been wild, raw, blazingly hot, bloody, sensual and scorchingly, passing out intense... then this time was slow, languorous, gentle, and achingly sweet, incredibly sensuous, and just as blazing hot. A slow burn, though, over banked coals, rather than the white hot scorching intensity of a forest fire coupling with a blowtorch.

Cordelia did all the work, and all of the movement, what little there was of it, with nothing but her rhythmically churning hips... slowly and sensuously working herself up and down along the length of his cock. Xander used nothing but his hands, running slowly up and over and along her ass and under her shirt along her back and waist and the outer curves of her breasts.

They both used their lips and tongues, neither wrestling for dominance, or in a hungry clash of gasping mouths. Just a slow and gentle working of lips against lips, and tongue meeting tongue, and hot sweet wetness intermingled.

Clothing got in the way and then vanished to clear the path for further explorations. Hands and lips found places to dawdle and fondle and caress.

Neither of them ever woke up fully, Xander figured out later. And neither of them ever quite managed to evolve bones.

He thought that maybe, just maybe, he said something like, "I love you," into her lips at some point. Or maybe she said it into his. Or maybe neither of them did – they both just _thought _it at an intensity that crossed and penetrated the barriers of flesh and transcended language. Or maybe they both did... at once or separately.

Didn't matter.

The last time was a whirlwind of motion and hungry mouths and violent thrusting and choked cries, both of them nearly insane with lust and heat, humping into and under each other like crazed animals until they detonated and melted.

The _last_ time was a frenzied thrashing and wailing of Cordelia, all dark hair and flashing eyes and hungry lips clenching around and jerking spasmodically beneath him in an explosion of claws and wails and nipping teeth and frantically swiveling hips.

This time was a slow building intensity that came over her so subtly that Xander wasn't aware of it until Cordelia was tightening around him like an oily velvet glove and gasping into his lips with her eyes squeezed tightly shut and tears leaking from the corners. Wrapped in a slow and undulating full body shivering that swept up and over her again and again until she cried out softly against his mouth.

The _last_ time had been a wild, hot, scorching blast of jetting fluids in a full body spasm at an intensity that rolled his eyes back into his skull and left him – and her – gasping and clenching and unconscious in each other's arms and attached at the lips. And still joined at the hips...

This time was a slow building pulse that seemingly came up from nowhere and everywhere, until Xander wasn't aware that he had come until after his loins had clenched and tightened and he felt himself emptying inside of her over and over again.

It left both of them spent and limp and shuddering in long slow ripples and devouring each other's lips with a gentle intensity until darkness came back up and swallowed them whole.

* * *

_Meanwhile, down in the Principal's Office..._

Yikes.

The little weasel soitanly was, ah... enthusiastic once he swallowed the Faith Lehane brand of bullshit hook, line, and leader. Swallowed that puppy all the way up to the bobber, including the weight, and took off running for a tangle of weeds.

Damn.

Faith determined that from now on, she must always remember to only use these powers for good.

Unless she found that she really, really needed the money.

She ended up taking reams of snaps of Principal Snyder in front of his trophy wall, at his desk, in the outer office, framed by his window, and doing everything except for hanging from the ceiling fan scratching an armpit and going, "Ook! Ook! Ook!"

Jeeze... she done went and created a monster.

Faith, naturally, kept up a steady line of patter in a Bronx accent. Flattering the little creep for all she was worth and hanging breathlessly – well, hey, N'Yawker: hanging scornfully – on his every utterance.

By the time they were done, she had his life story and a memory whatever full of Principal shots for every occasion and then some.

She took notes. Lots of them.

Actually, she doodled little vampire smiley faces with fangs, and hearts and stakes in the pages of her pilfered notepad with her requisitioned ballpoint. While looking attentive. And slightly deranged... But no matter. Amounted to the same thing.

It occurred to her to wonder at several points just how many photos the little internal memory doohickey held, but no matter: she carefully and surreptitiously deleted all of the blurry ones, slightly out of focus ones, and the ones that didn't meet her, ah... artistic standards.

Yeah. That's the ticket. Artistic standards.

Faith was surprised to discover about halfway through that she was thoroughly enjoying the hell out of herself.

By this point, she also had all of the appropriate forms and permission slips needed for an out of school student to exist on the Sunnydale High campus and wander wherever the hell she wanted to, whenever the hell she wanted to, with impunity. And a student ID. And a _press_ pass, for crying out loud.

Snyder would stick his head out of the door of his office periodically, bark something out, and the school secretaries would make it happen.

Finally, he grinned smarmily into one last shot, and then bounced up from his oversized leather desk chair like an eager and hyperactive puppy. Pug variety.

"Come on," Snyder said, bouncing on his toes and practically vibrating in place.

"Huh?" Faith blinked at him. "Where to, Principal Man?"

"To get you settled in, of course," Snyder said. "Come on."

"Uhhh... " Faith blinked at him again, instantly wary. She was about as settled as she wanted to get...

"Come on, come on," Snyder said, "Time's wasting."

He managed to get her up and moving, chivvying her toward the door without ever touching her. That was something she'd noticed earlier – except for grabbing her elbow to get her going down to the office, he'd been scrupulous about never laying a hand on her or touching her in any way whatsoever. For such a smarmy seeming guy, he was almost rigidly proper in some ways. And polite.

Set her instantly at ease around him in a way she never woulda believed.

Plus, he liked her. Genuinely liked her. Wow. What a freaking trip.

Of course, _he_ thought that she was Michelle Lane, ace Photographer of the Grant Clarion. But still.

"Huh." Faith paused a moment, glancing down at his desk. "What's the 'R' stand for?" she asked, finally registering the 'R. Snyder' on his desk plaque.

"Hhrrrm?" blinking absently at her, he gave a vague wave of the hand toward it. "Oh. Roderick. Roderick Snyder."

"Okay, Roddy – lead on, guy," Faith said, smirking inwardly.

She followed him out of the office and out into the halls, snapping photos of anything that looked interesting or entertaining as they went.

* * *

_A short while later, at the offices of the Sunnydale High Sentinel, most of the way through Sixth Period..._

Settled _in_ turned out to be at the offices of the school newspaper.

Well, duh, of course.

Where _else_ would you settle the Visiting Ace Photographer here on a Multi-Campus Academic District Photoshoot?

Swear to God: the Universe hated her. Or else the Big J was getting back at her for that Christ on a Vibrator crack and laughing his bearded young ass off.

The Goth looking geeklet that had, ah, donated his camera to the cause was nowhere to be seen or found.

Faith found herself plopped into a chair in the editor's office across from the taller, blonder, Goth looking teen that had come up with the beefy jock type to repossess the camera.

She stared at him. He stared back. Neither of them blinked.

In fact, the kid was watching her kinda the way a cobra eyed a mongoose – with a nearly panicked and despairing trepidation.

Principal Roderick, of course, was waxing expansive. Naturally.

"Freddy Iverson. Our editor. Meet Michelle Lane, ace Photographer. I'm certain you'll work well together."

"Huh?" He whipped his head around and blurted out, "I will?" at the same time Faith whipped _hers_ around and blurted out, "Say _what?_"

They both stared at Snyder, and then at each other.

"Of course you will. It's all arranged," Snyder said, beaming expansively. "I sent the Principal of Grant High an email. And the Mayor. The Mayor thinks it's wonderful."

"He does?" they both blurted out at the same time and then exchanged glares again.

"Of course he does." Snyder jumped up, pacing back and forth across the cluttered office waving his hands. "Inter-district cooperation. He's big on cooperative ventures. And we don't have a moment to lose."

"We don't?" Iverson blinked at him. Faith was contemplating banging her head on Iverson's desk.

Hard and repeatedly.

Monster, created. Scam, life of its own taken on. Faith, doomed.

"Of course we don't! We're doing a special edition! Full length Homecoming Spectacular issue! Ah... " Snyder frowned thoughtfully, and then held up his hands and spread them as though framing a picture, "Sunnydale Rites of Passage in the Millennial Age!"

"And the Legacy of the Sock Hop in the Post-modern Era," Faith interjected, tongue planted firmly in cheek.

"Exactly!" Snyder aimed an index finger at her while maniacally tapping his nose and beaming, looking like a spaz.

"Ah... " Iverson blinked at him again, and then glared at Faith. Faith winked slowly at him, shrugged, and stuck her tongue out.

"I, of course, have a front page photo and inside page spread – with interview," Snyder informed him.

"Center-spread," Faith said. "Both inner pages. Maybe a foldout." She bit her tongue before she could add, "Nude."

Iverson was already starting to look ill. No sense in making him upchuck.

"Center-spread, excellent idea!" Snyder stated, "Glad I thought of it."

"I already have all the photos," Faith volunteered helpfully, leaning back in her chair. She swung both feet up onto Iverson's desk, one ankle crossed over the other.

"You _do_, huh," he muttered, giving her a homicidal look. Faith grinned back at him, winking again.

"And there's plenty more where those came from," Snyder said, "Any time you need a shooting session. I always have time."

"Sure thing, Roddy," Faith said, nodding vigorously.

'Roddy?' Iverson mouthed silently, starting to look faintly green around the gills.

"Plus we need shots of the Homecoming Committee, and of all of the candidates for King and Queen, and Prince and Princess," Snyder said, bobbing his head back at her and grinning broadly. "Get a full spread on Chase – her father's on the Alumni Committee. He donates."

"Already have a few shots of her," Faith said, her tongue planted firmly in her cheek. "Spread, baby."

"See? This kid's on top of things!" Snyder said, beaming. "That's the kind of spirit we could use more of around here!"

Iverson muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like: "_I got your spirit right __here__, __schmuck__... _" while smiling around clenched teeth.

Faith muttered back equally under her breath, "_We got spirit, yes we do!_" and smiled broadly. Iverson's eyes practically bugged out.

Snyder ran right over and past it, completely oblivious. Faith about came unglued trying to hold in laughter.

"In fact, do a spread on _all_ of the Cordettes," Snyder said, his eyes gleaming. "And the Decorating Committee!"

"Interview with the owner and manager of the Bronze, too," Faith suggested, getting way too deep into the spirit of this despite herself.

Watching Iverson look more and more appalled and incredulous was _worth _the price of admission...

"Exactly!"

"But... " Iverson blinked at them both. "_Homecoming?_ Special _Edition?_"

"Problem?" Snyder said, glowering...

"Homecoming is in two _weeks_!" Iverson said, turning pale. "_Less _than two weeks! Elections begin on the third!"

"Best get cracking then, hadn't you?" Snyder gave him a toothy smile, kinda like a pet cayman eying a goldfish. "As I said: no time to waste!"

"I don't have the _staff _to put out a special edition on top of the weekly!" Iverson said in kind of a strangled voice, looking suffused.

"Two of them," Snyder said cheerfully. Iverson gave him a horrified look.

"Two?!"

"The main one that comes out in time for the Homecoming Court voting," Snyder explained, gazing upward and into the distance in rapt joy at the scope of his vision, "And the followup."

"The followup," Iverson said, blankly, echoed by Faith. Who was now gazing upon her creation with the kind of horrified awe that one usually reserves for bad weddings and four hundred pound men in speedos.

"Covers Homecoming night itself, and the dance and coronation," Snyder explained, beaming. "By God – _we'll_ show Grant a news extravaganza!"

"I can't do all that! Not alone!" Iverson turned his horrified look on Faith, who was of no help to him. She was wearing one of her own. "I don't have enough people!"

"Ah." Snyder waved that off. "Draft all the help you need. You have an extra photographer now. Get Rosenberg to help. And Levinson. And the AV club."

"But but but... the budget!" Iverson was starting to look as strangled as his voice, "A special print run costs money! And time!" His eyes were shooting daggers at Faith. "And _two_ of them?"

"Meh." Snyder waved that off too. "Expense is no object. The school board is covering it."

"They are?" Iverson blinked at him.

"Of _course _they are. The Mayor likes the idea, remember?" Snyder smiled expansively. It resembled a lab rat spotting a wheel of cheddar with no competition in sight.

"I couldn't possibly forget," Iverson muttered. The bell for the end of whatever period it was went off.

"You now have a budget earmarked _exclusively_ for this. Spare no expense. Get anything you need." Snyder said, sweeping his hand out in a magnanimous gesture. "Make it happen."

Iverson sighed, squeezing his eyes tightly shut and looking like he wanted to bang his head on his desk. Hard. "I'll do my very best."

"Good! I'll leave you both to it then," Snyder said. He bustled out chortling to himself.

Seriously. Chortling.

Faith had never heard anyone actually chortle before. It was cute, in a kind of a revolting way.

Iverson's head came up, his eyes opened, and he looked at her.

Faith looked back at him.

"I'm going to kill you," he said. "You're dead. Gimme my camera back."

* * *

_Next! Follow Faith deeper into the wabbit hole for more in-depth exposés!_

.


	4. Piled Higher and Deeper

**Part IV: Piled Higher and Deeper...**

* * *

_Meanwhile, still at the Sunnydale High Sentinel, at the beginning of Seventh Period..._

Freddy Iverson looked at her. Faith looked back at him. "I'm going to kill you," he said. "You're dead. Gimme my camera back."

Faith resisted the urge to clutch her play pretty to her chest while shooting him a wounded glare.

"Dude," she said. "_My_ camera now. I confiscated it fair and square."

"No it isn't! I _paid _for that camera! It's mine!"

"Shouldn't be handin' it out to perverts, then," Faith said.

"And get your _feet _off of my _desk!_" Iverson yelled, half standing. Leaning forward, he slapped Faith's hikers and sent them swinging to the floor.

Faith stared at him, incredulous. He stared back at her, looking kinda shocked at himself.

And very slowly looking as though it was dawning upon him that that might not have been the very brightest thing he'd ever done.

"Dude," Faith said, very slowly and quietly, "I'm gonna let that slide, since you're obviously all distraught and shit. But do it again, and I'm gonna turn you into a pretzel."

"I'm sorry," Iverson said, very quietly and looking all earnest and shit. "I don't know what came over me."

"Overdose of Roderick Snyder, I'm thinking," Faith said, her lips starting to twitch at the corners.

"That's got to be it," Iverson agreed.

A few seconds later they were both snickering, and then holding their stomachs laughing hysterically. Finally, Faith hiccuped, gasping for air.

"Dude. You shoulda seen your face," she said, shaking her head and laughing.

"I thought I was doomed for a minute," he said, wiping at his eyes.

"You very nearly were."

"I know. That's what makes it so funny."

That set both of them off again. Long minutes passed.

Finally, Iverson wiped at his eyes again, subsiding to raspy chuckles. "Man. Okay... you don't really go to Grant High School. And you don't work for the non-existent Grant High Clarion. Which _isn't_ doing a Homecoming Special Edition covering all three schools."

"Wow. You really are an investigative reporter, guy," Faith said.

"I get by," he said, nodding. "I also know the editor and staff of the Grant paper, and the Fondren editor."

"Caught me, you did," Faith agreed, nodding.

"Pervert?"

"Huh?" Faith blinked at him, then rolled her eyes, looking disgusted. "Oh, yeah. Take it that Goth Geeklet didn't say what he was shooting when I swiped his toy, huh? Or your jock buddy?"

"No. Percy didn't really say much that I caught," Iverson said, shaking his head. "I was too busy running and he was too busy bellowing until I cut through the library and lost him in the stacks."

"Bet that made Giles' day," Faith said, snickering.

"And Buffy Summers', I'm sure." Iverson's eyes narrowed at her. "Uh, Goth Geeklet? You mean Dwayne? Dwayne Morriseth?"

"That his name? We didn't get introduced."

"Uh huh," Iverson said, nodding. "So, pervert?"

"He was snapping shots through the window of a not quite unoccupied classroom when I came up on him and his buddies," Faith explained.

Iverson mouthed, 'Not quite unoccupied' silently and then a look of comprehension dawned. "Uh... ?"

"Yeah."

"Show me." He reached out a hand, half standing again.

Faith stared at him, clutching the camera to her chest protectively. Iverson blinked at her.

"Oh, come on," Iverson said, "I'm not gonna grab it from you. Are you _insane_? Or do you think _I _am? After seeing you bench press Percy _West_?"

"Was that his name?" Faith sighed, shook her head, and stood. Looking down, she found the menu thingy and paged back until she got to the beginning of the Cordelia Chase, ah, exposé.

Turning the camera around, she leaned over the desk and held it out to where he could see, hanging on to it firmly. Once he nodded, she hit the button and paged forward through them.

"He's fired. I'm going to kill him," Iverson said, slowly. "No – killing is too good for him. I'm going to feed him to _you_."

"Dude," Faith said, staring at him. "Chill."

"Chill hell!" Iverson glared at her. "You, he, they, those idiots! If Snyder saw those on a camera on school grounds? A camera belonging to the school paper?"

"Used to belong to," Faith corrected.

"Whatever." Iverson glared at her. "He'd _expel_ us. All of us! And _then _kill us. And _then _feed us to our _parents_. And _they'll _kill what's _left_. We'll all end up in juvie as teen sex offenders!" He peered more closely at the display and then his eyes bugged out. He leaned forward, looking more intently –

– And then exploded.

A full five minutes later, he wound down finally. Faith was impressed. Man – _serious _profanity there.

The door flew open and the brown haired, studious looking girl from the outer office burst in, looking alarmed. "Freddy! Is everything all – "

Both of them turned on her, glaring. "We're _fine,"_ followed by, "Out!" and "Get out!"

She gaped at them, and then vaporized.

"And _shut_ the _door_!" they both yelled.

Reaching back in, she slammed the door shut.

"That's Cordelia Chase," Iverson hissed out, his eyes wild.

"Wow. Uh, don't you think you're overreacting a bit?"

"I- over... I- you- they- we- they! Those... _idiots_!" Iverson's eyes practically bugged out again and he turned pale. "That's Cordelia fucking _Chase _in those pics! And that means... oh, God. Holy crap! That's Xander freaking _Harris _in there with her!"

"Good eye," Faith said, smirking at him.

"Good... " Iverson gulped, turning even paler. "We're dead. All of us are dead. Gimme that. We gotta delete those things, now!"

Faith gave him a horrified look and yanked the camera back. Cradling it protectively, she turned it away from his grasp, out of his reach. "Dude."

"Are you insane? That's _Cordelia Chase_... and she's ah... " Iverson spluttered, looking at her wide eyed.

"Getting her brains fucked out by Xander in living color?" Faith smirked again.

"Yeah!" Iverson grabbed a handful of hair in each hand, his eyes practically bulging. "Arrrgggghhhh! You... That's Cordelia _Chase_! She _destroys _people. And that's when she's not even really mad at them! If she sees those, _ever_, she'll _detonate_. There'll be a smoking _crater _radiating out from this office!"

"Not be happy, huh?" Faith said, leaning back.

"Not be... " Iverson blinked. "You _obviously _don't comprehend the full magnitude of the fucked we're in. And Xander! Xander Harris will _kill _us. No! He'll ask Buffy Sum- no, she wouldn't. Rosenber- oh, hell no. Larry Blai- no- No – _he'll _ask Tor _Hauer_ and Heidi Barrie to do it! And they will. _Barrie _will do it slow and _painfully_."

"Seriously?" Faith blinked at him again, and then arched her eyebrows.

"Seriously." Iverson shook his head slowly, his mouth working, apparently unable to form real words. He finally found some: "_Xander _backed down Percy this morning with just a _look _just for _asking _about him and Cordelia!" He spluttered for a moment, then continued, "Harris and Chase hang out with Buffy _Summers _and the others. They _fight _things like, uh, hyena people. And those monsters that attacked Parent Teacher Night last year! Zombies. Cultists. And fish people!"

"Fish people?"

"Fish people. It was a thing," Iverson said, slowly. "I've seen it, like the zombies. I was _there_. We have files. _I _have files."

"You _know _about that stuff? And you don't publish this crap?" Faith gave him a hard look... okay, so the school newspaper guy was in the know?

Iverson gave her an incredulous 'Oh _come_ on' look. "Dude. Snyder would _crucify _us. _And _shut us down."

"_Snyder _is in the know?" Faith blinked at him. Okay, she was suddenly getting an education here. Hadn't expected that...

"He knows something!" Iverson gave her his best earnest look. "You've _got _to delete those pics. Please?"

Faith scowled at him. "I was _going _to, jeeze. I _know _Cordy and Xan – no _way _were these ever getting out." She sighed and looked down at the back of the camera. Dammit. Glancing up with her thumb on the delete button, she looked up. "Can I get some prints first?"

"_**No!**_"

"Just askin', jeeze. Don't have a herd, guy."

Faith huffed, looking back down. A minute later, she turned the camera around, feeling like she'd just strangled her own puppy.

"There, all gone. Happy now?"

"Ecstatic." Iverson leaned back, wiping his brow. "Sheesh."

He straightened back up suddenly, leaning forward, and aimed an index finger at her. "You! You picked up Percy like he was nothing and set him back down again! You're another one – like Summers."

Faith smirked, arching her eyebrows. "Guilty as charged. Man, you really are a reporter."

"Bite my ass."

"Tempting."

They both stared at each other, and then both started snickering. Which started another laughing fit that took a few minutes to die down...

"Okay, man... you hang out with the library gang too, huh?" Iverson said, eying her.

"Caught me," Faith said, nodding.

"Uh... do you really have a photo spread of Snyder in there?"

Nodding again, Faith said, "And a bunch of other stuff."

"Let me see?"

When she arched her eyebrows at him, Iverson rolled his own eyes at her. "I'll give it back. I promise. I just want to see."

Warily, Faith slowly handed the camera out across the desk to him, and then watched guardedly while he turned it around and began scrolling through the pics. What the hell – she could always snatch it back before he could blink.

After several minutes, he grunted once, and then again, nodding. He paged back a few times, and then forward again, slower.

A bit later... "These are pretty good," Iverson said, blinking.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Kinda rough, a few, and your focus is off in some, but... you have a good eye for framing. And subject matter," he said, nodding. "The ones of Harmony are cherce. Especially the one where she's half turned and looking like someone stole her brain."

"I liked that one," Faith said, grinning and nodding at him. "My personal favorite is the blurry one of my left foot, though."

"You're really a photographer then?" he asked, giving her a curious look.

"Naw. But I slept with one once. Repeatedly."

"You obviously absorbed a lot through osmosis," Iverson said, smirking.

"Is that fancy talk for eating a cream pie?" Faith smirked back, arching an eyebrow.

"Something like," Iverson said, snickering.

Faith shrugged. "He talked, I listened and ooohed and ahhed. Obviously, I picked up a few things. Some of them stuck."

"Yeah. And not just your panties to the wall."

"Never wear 'em. They just get in the way."

They exchanged smirks for a minute, and then burst out laughing again. After a minute, sighing, Freddy handed the camera back while nodding.

"You're hired."

"Cool, I- uh, what?" Faith blinked at him. "Huh?"

"You're hired," Iverson said, again. He cocked his head. "Thanks to _you_, we have a full special edition to do and put to bed in less than two weeks for Homecoming elections. And a regular edition that week that needs to be completely redesigned. I need a new photographer. You're it. You're hired."

"Great."

"You sound overjoyed." He smirked across the desk at her.

"I am. Whelmed, really," Faith said, smirking back. She sighed. "Yanno? I started out just trying to divert Snyder from finding Xander and Cordy sprawled out asleep post sex in ah... "

"Flagrante delicto?"

"Yeah, that." Faith laid an index finger alongside her nose while pointing at him.

They both grinned at each other, and then Iverson added, "Oh – and you're doing the interview and write up on Snyder."

"I what huh?" Faith blinked at him.

"Michelle Lane, Girl Reporter." Iverson smirked again. "It's all yours. What the hell _is _your real name, anyway?"

"Faith. And I don't know shit about writing. Jesus _Christ_, dude – I barely made it through the ninth grade."

"Get Rosenberg to help you," Iverson suggested. "Go all puppy eyed and tell her that she's the only one you can think of that can do it, and she'll melt."

"Damn, you're good."

"It's a knack." Iverson grinned nastily at her, adding, "And by the time she's done, you'll know how to write."

"You really _are_ good," Faith said, slightly awed.

"I'm telling you."

Faith grinned at him, and then looked past his head. She bolted upright, standing hastily. "Is that clock right?" she asked, pointing?"

"Yeah... ?"

"Shit – I gotta go," Faith said, turning. "Gotta spell Oz on Harris and Cordy sitting."

"Oh-kay... uh, come back. We gotta talk."

"I will. Later bye!"

The door closed on her ass as she bolted out through it.

* * *

_Back at the door to the Chamber of Lust..._

Oz spotted her as soon as she came pelting up the stairs and rounded the corner into the hall, naturally. Faith rolled her eyes and shook her head exaggeratedly, strolling up to him with her hands in her new jacket's pockets.

"Sorry, guy," Faith said, coming to a stop in front of him. "Ah... " she made a vague gesture, and jerked her head toward the other end of the hall. "Snyder."

"Got kinda involved?" Oz said, eying her curiously.

"Oh, you have _no _idea," Faith said.

"You in trouble?"

"Define trouble."

Both of Oz's eyebrows went up, and Faith shrugged, sticking her hands back in her pockets. She elaborated, "Meet the new Ace Staff Reporter and Photog for the Sunnydale High Sentinel."

"But you don't go to Sunnydale High," Oz stated the obvious, blinking at her.

"I'm transferring over from Grant, apparently."

"You don't go to Grant, either," Oz pointed out.

"You noticed that, didja?" Faith gave him a disgusted look. "Snyder waylaid me coming by the office on my way here. Apparently, the Principal at Grant is overjoyed to be getting rid of me and is expediting my transfer."

"There's a story behind that, I'm thinking." Oz had a faint smile lurking at the corners of his mouth by now, and his eyes were dancing.

"No doubt," Faith said, grinning back a bit sourly. "It's all arranged. By email."

"Modern technology," Oz said, nodding. "It's a beautiful thing."

"I'm agreeing with you here," Faith said, nodding back. "In the way that's kinda not agreement."

"Gonna be a shock to the real Michelle Lane," Oz observed.

"Whoever she may be," Faith said, nodding again. "When she gets here, she can attend classes for both of us while I do the photogging."

"It's a plan."

"Always wanted to be able to be in two places at once."

They exchanged grins, and then Oz shook his head slightly. "So. Can you actually Photog?"

"Freddy Iverson says I can," Faith allowed, her grin going lopsided and her eyebrows arching up at him.

"He would know." Oz nodded seriously.

"So... " Faith gave the door behind him a significant glance, and looked at him curiously.

"There was stirring for a short while," Oz said, "And moaning."

"Ah."

"Then snoring."

"Man," Faith said, rolling her eyes, "I really need to get laid."

"Don't look at me like that," Oz said, both his expression and tone completely deadpan.

Faith shot him a startled look, and then they both burst out laughing quietly. "I wasn't," Faith gasped out, finally, "I promise. I really need to be on your girlfriend's good side right now."

Both of Oz's eyebrows went up again.

"She's going to be helping me interview Snyder," Faith explained, "And then write it up. And learning me how to write and shit."

"Does Willow know this?"

"Not yet."

"Puppy eyes. Sincere flattery," Oz suggested, "And a quivering lower lip."

"So I've been told," Faith said. Their eyes met and they both broke up again.

"I should get to the class that I'm skipping," Oz said, shrugging.

"Sorry," Faith said. "And thanks."

"No problem. You tried covering for me," Oz stated. "Owed you." He jerked his head toward the door, adding, "Owed Cordy and Xan also."

"Most guys wouldn't remember that... " Faith started, and trailed off when Oz gave her a look. "And you're not most guys, so I'm gonna smother that line of convo in the cradle before it gets all insulting and shit."

Oz nodded, the faint smile coming back. "Later."

"Yup."

* * *

_Deep inside the Chamber of Lust, a bit less than twenty minutes from the end of Seventh Period..._

Xander Harris woke with a start, feeling, ah... pretty damned gruntled for the first time that day.

Hah. For the first time in _several _days, as a matter of fact.

Wow. Zonked out on a classroom desk with a mostly disheveled and half undressed Cordelia Chase in his arms. And no pants. And...

Aw, crap.

Xander peered at the wall clock, blinked, and peered harder at it.

Yup. It really, really did say that. The big hand really _was _almost on... Xander groaned and let his head fall back into the hardwood desktop. Thunk.

"Hrmm... ?"

"Hey there," Xander said. He raised his head slightly so he could meet Cordelia's barely open eyes, and smiled slowly. "Do all angels have rumpled bed hair like yours?"

"Wha... ?" Cordelia's eyes opened wide, and her free hand automatically flew up to her head to check. It touched her hair, patted around, and found yup – rumples and tousles. "Oh, crap."

"Aww. You look gorgeous," Xander said, his smile going all lopsided.

"I look like an unmade bed," Cordelia said, grumbling.

"Nope," Xander said, slowly, "I'm pretty sure you were made. At least once."

"Snerk," Cordelia shook her head, giving him a tolerant look. "So. Do we have bones yet?"

"We'd better have."

"Huh? Wha?" Cordelia blinked at him, and then raised her arm to where she could look at her wristwatch. Her eyes widened and took on a slightly panicked look. "Crap! We missed Sixth Period? And almost all of _Seventh_?"

"I'm thinking yeah."

"Oh, God. We're going to get expelled," Cordelia said, her eyes squeezing tightly shut. She let her head drop, landing forehead down with a thump on Xander's chest.

"Naw. Just flunked," Xander said. Cordelia's head came up and she glared at him. "Which I'm thinking doesn't help, so I'll be shutting up now."

"Good plan," Cordelia said, her voice dry. "Because my parents will _kill _me. _Both _of us!"

"They can kill me twice. I'll take the bullet for you," Xander said, nodding.

"Aww. You're so sweet," Cordelia said. Sliding up, she leaned forward and captured his lips in a long, scorching, and agonizingly slow kiss. Then she pulled away and sat up. "Give me my underwear, doof," she said, yanking her panties off of his hand. "And where is your shirt? And your _t-shirt_?"

"Ahhh... " Xander blinked up at her. He honestly had _no _idea. He didn't even remember taking them off.

"And where is my other _shoe_?"

Cordelia froze lying on her back with her legs up in the air and her panties on over one ankle, staring at her other, bare stockinged foot.

"Uhhh... " Xander shrugged helplessly. Cordelia met his eyes, and then fell back on the desk with her arm across her stomach. They both howled with laughter.

.

They found Xander's shirt draped over the corner of a desk nearly at the other end of the classroom. The t-shirt was under another one, toward the other side and about halfway down. Cordelia's shoe was hanging by one heel from the top of the classroom's whiteboard.

Neither of them were sure when the bolero jacket thing had come off, either. Or Cordelia's vest. They were a lot easier to find, although they did have to rescue the vest before it plunged to its doom from the windowsill and down to the first floor sidewalk...

They found her bra dangling from the spiky thing on top of the globe, hiding Africa. Neither of them could figure out how it managed to get off of her without her blouse coming off first, much less how it traveled to the dark continent.

The black t-shirt was a total loss. One of them had torn it in half somehow while getting it off of him. The shoe was salvageable.

After examination and some discussion, they decided that Cordelia's bra wasn't.

It got a decent Christian burial in the corner trashcan, along with the tee shirt.

.

"Oh, God," Cordelia said, shaking her head. She was still attempting to rearrange herself into some semblance of shape that would pass for, uh... well... at least if not decent, then fit to be seen amongst other humans.

And not looking like something your pet coyote dragged in from the desert.

After chewing on it for a week.

Xander, of course, kept both of those little observations to himself. Hey – not suicidal.

Besides, he had a pretty good idea that Cordelia shared the opinion all on her own, judging by the way she kept shaking her head sorrowfully, rolling her eyes, and sighing heavily.

Xander wasn't even gonna bother trying, beyond maybe washing his face and combing his hair. He figured it'd take more than a trip to the little boy's room for repairs to put himself back together.

Like a trip to the nurse's station for stitches. And... no way in hell.

He just flat was _not _gonna describe to the school nurse how come he staggered in looking like the losing end of a fight between two tomcats. No.

"Well, okay. Come on, Lover Geek," Cordelia said, sighing heavily again. "I badly need a trip to the girl's for repairs so that I'll look presentable when we – "

" – show up on time for our next free period?" Xander said, his lips starting to twitch.

Cordelia stared at him in incomprehension for a long minute, and then blinked at him. "Oh. Right."

Nodding, Xander said, "Eighth period is our free. We can go and hit the broom closet now."

Cordelia stared at him again, her eyes widening slowly. Then she snickered, and fell forward into his arms, _howling _with laughter. He collapsed forward himself and they held each other up while going into hysterics.

"Oh, Gods... come on, Dork Boy," she said, hiccuping and finally recovering enough to disengage and stand on her own. "Let's get out of here."

"Let's."

* * *

_Back at the door to the Chamber of Lust, not long before the end of Seventh Period..._

Once again, Faith was bent over biting down on the knuckle of her balled fist, trying to stifle nearly hysterical laughter.

Oh, God. Those two were something else, Jeeze.

Even their post sex conversations were worth the price of admission...

She heard the shade on the window rustle and hastily straightened and slid down the wall so neither would see her before deciding the coast was clear. After a long moment, the doorknob rattled and then the door opened and a rumpled looking Cordelia and a disheveled looking Harris slid out through it.

Good God. Faith gaped at them, open mouthed.

Harris looked like someone ran him through a weed eater. He had rents and blood spots all over that gawd awful shirt. And no tee shirt. And a nearly silver dollar sized patch of hair missing from the back of his head.

They both looked in both directions after stepping out into the hall – fortunately not back toward the wall directly behind them, which was where Faith had silently slipped forward to after they came out.

Arms around each other's waists, they boldly stepped forward, preparing to –

Faith raised the camera and said, "_**Ahem!**_" from directly behind them.

Harris said something that sounded an awful lot like "_Bleek!_" and caught air. Cordelia made a strangled noise that was somewhere between a gasp and an "_Eep!_" and levitated.

They both came down about three feet apart, and all the way across the hallway flattened against the opposite wall, looking wildly in all directions with their hair flying and their eyes wide.

_click pssshew_! _click pssshew_! _click pssshew_!

"Say cheese!" Faith said, grinning like a loon.

_click pssshew_!

"_**Faith!**_" two voices practically howled at the tops of their lungs.

_click pssshew_!

"Will you _stop _that?" Harris said, giving her his very best outraged glower.

Day-um. Faith now could see what Iverson had meant. No _wonder _that Percy kid came unglued and backed the hell off from him.

_click pssshew_!

"Can't," Faith said, grinning merrily, "I'm on the clock, guy."

"_**Faith!**_" Cordelia had a pretty good death glare too, now that one mentioned it. "Don't you _even_... "

"Too late." Faith threw both of them, especially the cheerleader, her best cheeky grin. "You're both immortal now."

"Oy... " Xander said, shoving his hands deeply into his pockets and rolling his eyes.

"Don't just stand there, Dorkus!" Cordelia said to him, "Do something!"

"What? Wrestle her for the camera?" Xander blinked at her. "Cordy? Her Slayer. Me normal."

"Oh." (beat) "Right. Dammit."

"Faith... " Xander gave her an exaggeratedly patient look, and a deep and put upon sounding sigh. "What are you doing with a camera? Here?"

"I'm on assignment," Faith said, grinning for all she was worth. She was dimpling so hard they felt like they were going to come out the other side of her head. "For the Sunnydale Sentinel. And the Grant Clarion."

Cordelia blinked at her. "But Grant's paper is named the Beacon."

"Not any more."

Shaking her head and obviously giving up on it, Cordelia said, slowly and carefully, "Why do you have a camera, Faith?"

"It was a donation," Faith said, dimpling even harder.

"From?" Xander's eyebrow went up, and then was joined by the other one. Obviously a two eyebrow job. "Sounds like... ?"

"Ah. A group of geeklets that were playing Tom Peeper when I wandered up on 'em and scared 'em outta thirty years growth," Faith explained.

Cordelia made a strangled sound deep in her throat. "Oh. My. God." She blinked, starting to look horrified. "At _us_? In _there_? Ah... ?" she made a vaguely curving and undulating motion with her hands, her eyes widening.

"Making the sign of the two humped whale?" Faith suggested, her own eyebrows going up. "Yeppers. That'd be the one."

"And they had _**pictures?**_"

"Operative word being _had_," Faith said, waggling the camera.

"Oh. My. God."

If Cordelia's eyes got any wider, Faith would be able to pick her eyeballs up off of the floor and take 'em home. Harris looked to be in only slightly better shape.

"Relax, cheerleader," Faith said, probably _way_ too cheerfully for Cordelia's peace of mind. "Deleted 'em. All gone. I _was _gonna get prints made first, and then decided, nahhh... "

No point in explaining the whole sordid story behind the deletion. It probably wouldn't help.

"Deleted?" Harris was looking torn between horror and the kind of fascination most people regarded NASCAR pileups with.

"Digital," Faith explained, waving the camera.

"Uh huh. Okay." Cordelia nodded slowly. After a long moment, she turned toward Xander and let her head fall forward and land with a thump against his chest. He put his arm around her and began patting her hair with his other hand.

"Umm... " Harris shook his head and visibly decided to move on to hopefully safer lines of questioning. Faith couldn't _wait _to hear what came out. "How long, uh... "

"Have I been here?" Faith paid off her mental bets silently and grinned at him. "Since shortly after Cordy there threatened to beat you to death with a desk and call out for the football team."

"Oh, gawd," Cordelia said, shuddering all over. Her head came up and thumped back down into Xander's chest again. "You _heard _that?" she said, with her voice muffled into Xander's shirt.

"Girlfriend," Faith said, giving the back of her head an incredulous look. "I heard that down at the bottom of those _stairs _on the first freaking _floor_."

"Oh, God."

Thump. Thump. Thump.

"I like to of fell back down 'em and rolled to the bottom when you hit, 'Get. Your. _Pants_. Off. Jerk. Wad. And _fuck _me.'" Faith said, in a fair to middling imitation of Cordelia's voice and inflections.

"Oh, _**God**_." Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

"Faith!"

"What?"

"Will you _please _quit breaking my girlfriend?" Xander said, glaring at her.

"Oh. Right," Faith said, nodding vigorously. "Sorry. Kinda."

"Thank you."

"No problem, guy."

"Why have you been standing outside the door all this time?" Xander asked, his expression like that of a rabbit eying a rattlesnake and his voice gone incredibly mild and curious.

"Haven't," Faith said, grinning merrily. "Got diverted for a little while trying to keep Roddy from walking in on you guys."

Cordelia's head came up slowly and she turned to stare at Faith. "Roddy?" she asked.

"Principal Snyder," Faith said, dimpling at her. "How I got my new job."

Thump. Thump. Thump.

"I don't think that helped, Faith," Harris said, looking kinda green around the edges.

"I'm afraid to ask," Cordelia said, speaking between thumps, "But what _is _your new job?"

"Ace Photographer and Girl Reporter for the Sunnydale Sentinel, like I said."

Cordelia's head came back up and she stared at Faith, right along with Xander. "Do I even want to know how that happened?"

"Nope, probably not," Faith said, shrugging. "Had to divert Snyder. It got convoluted. And then it took on a life of its own."

"I see," Cordelia said, very quietly in a very small voice.

"Oz guarded the door for me while I was off with Roddy," Faith volunteered helpfully.

"_Did_ he now," Xander said, in an equally small and kind of strangled sounding voice. Harris' eyes were almost saucer wide.

"Yup." Faith eyed Cordelia carefully, and said, "Guess this would be a bad time to ask you about shooting a full photo layout with you for the school paper, huh Cordy?"

"Maybe later, yes," Cordelia said, sounding kinda faint.

"Cool." Faith nodded, dimpling again.

Cordelia thumped her head down again, once or twice more, and then pulled back and stood on her toes to kiss Xander deeply and hotly. Then she pushed back from him with her hands against his chest.

"I think I need to go visit the little girl's room and make repairs," Cordelia said, shaking her head slowly, "Before the bell rings."

"I'll join you," Faith said, nodding. "I gotta pee."

"Yeah. I better hit the little Xander's room," Harris said, nodding slowly, "And see if I can stop the bleeding."

Cordelia's head snapped around and she stared at him, one hand coming up to cover her mouth and her eyes going wide. "You're _still _bleeding? Still?"

She looked and sounded kinda mortified.

"That jump, yelp, and landing may have opened them back up again," Xander said, shifting uncomfortably.

"Dude," Faith said, her own eyes widening. "I'm so sorry about that."

"Ahh... don't sweat it," Xander said.

"Oh, God."

Xander grinned, and leaned in to kiss his girl on the forehead. "It'll be okay, Cordy."

Cordelia's expression was still mortified. And a bit awed. "Good God. I can't believe we _slept_ through Seventh. And Sixth." She flushed from the collar up. "Uh, most of Sixth."

"Obviously, we were tired," Xander said, his lips twitching at the corners.

"Ya think?" Cordelia tossed her hair, her own lips twitching slightly. "We have _got_ to stop burning the candle at both ends, Doofus."

Sliding his hands up over her shoulders, Xander leaned in and kissed her gently. "I'm thinking you are not wrong."

"Awwww."

Both voices snapped out in unison, "Shut up, Faith."

"Shutting up now."

Harris cut her a sidelong look, his eyes dancing merrily, then looked back at his girlfriend. "We need longer nights," he said, "I'm putting in a requisition." He paused, then added, "So, library next?"

"Oh, sure," Cordelia said. "Buffy has a class for eighth period. We can relax there for awhile."

"Yup." Xander grinned again, and said, "I'll just head there after. Unless you want me to wait?"

"Oh, please. I can find my way to the library on my own, geek," Cordelia said. "But thanks... that's sweet."

"Awww."

"Bite me, Faith."

Xander winked at Faith and looked an inquiry at her.

"Huh?" Faith blinked at him, and then shook her head. "Naw. Gotta get back to the Sentinel. We have a Special Edition to plan."

* * *

_Not too long after, in the second floor guy's bathroom, just before the end of Seventh Period bell..._

A quick washup and long overdue relief of the bladder, and then Xander was standing in front of the mirror at the sinks scowling at himself.

Damn.

Xander shook his head, half scowling and half smiling into his reflection. And he'd thought _Cordelia _had looked like coyotes chewed on her for a week. He looked like...

Hah. Losing end of a fight between tomcats was a lot closer to the mark than he'd thought it had been.

Thank God he _didn't _wander into the school nurse's office.

Shaking his head, he unbuttoned and pulled off his shirt after running some water over his hair and dragging a comb through it. Shook out the shirt and stared at it in shock for a moment, and then at his reflection.

Good God.

Oh-kay...

He now had incontrovertible proof that none of the jocks who'd ever bragged about nailing Cordelia Chase had ever done the deed.

None of them had ever bled out in the ambulance on the way to the emergency room. Holy claw marks, Batman.

Xander was kind of vaguely aware of the bathroom door swinging open while he was poking a finger through one of the rents in the back of his shirt. It didn't really register fully until –

"Good _God_, Boss," a shocked sounding voice said from behind him. "The _fuck _happened to you?"

Freezing in place momentarily, Xander looked up and into the mirror to meet the wide open, dark blue, and shocked eyes of Tor Hauer standing frozen in the doorway.

"The fuck?" Another voice said from behind Tor, sounding annoyed. "Move it, guy."

Tor stumbled forward out of the doorway, apparently shoved by whoever was behind him. Throwing an irritated look over his shoulder, he raked a hand over his hair and said, "Fuck you, Kyle."

"Yeah, yeah. Bite my– " Kyle DuFours stopped dead in the door just like Tor had, his own blue eyes going wide. "Holy fuck."

"What I said," Tor said, nodding vigorously.

"Shit." Kyle blinked hard, running his gaze over Xander's back, sides, and arms. "You got a shotgun in the trunk, Tor?"

"Nope. Dammit," Tor shook his head at the darker haired Kyle. "Day-um. World ending, Boss?"

"Oh, hah hah," Xander said, turning away from the mirror to face the pair of them. "Very funny."

Kyle grinned at him. "If we were joking, it would be, sure enough. Crap, Boss. The fuck, over?"

"What are you two idiots doing here?" Xander asked, eying the pair a bit sourly. "And _quit_ calling me Boss."

He really hadn't had much contact with the two of them following the hyena possession incident in sophomore year, mostly by choice. Heidi or Rhonda either. He hadn't avoided them really, nor them him – they still had classes together and spoke in the halls and such – just... hadn't really gone out of his way to initiate contact. Mutual. In fact, the last time he'd seen the four other pack members outside of classes had been when someone had invited them to Buffy's zombie welcome home party.

Which actually hadn't been a bad thing, all in all, Xander reflected. There were worse people to have around in a brawl than Tor, Heidi Barrie, and Kyle and his girlfriend.

They weren't enemies, exactly. Just not really friends.

"Using the bathroom," Tor said. "Duh."

"What he said," Kyle added, nodding. "And we're meeting the girls up here after Seventh period Ecology lets out."

"Yeah. Have a free for Eighth. We're all heading over to Mel's for burgers," Tor said, looking Xander over critically. The dark blonde senior shook his head. "Man. You need an ER, Boss. Some of those need stitches."

"No," Xander said, shaking his head. "Oh, _hell _no. And don't call me Boss."

Tor rolled his eyes. "Your funeral, Boss," he said. Glancing sidelong, he said, "Emergency kit?"

Kyle nodded. "I'll get it," he said, moving over to the far end of the bathroom sinks counter.

"Throw me your pack, Kyle," Tor said, giving Xander's partly shredded striped shirt a disdainful look.

Kyle shrugged out of his backpack and tossed it down the counter for Tor to snag out of the air. "There ya go. What for?"

"You still keep an extra t-shirt in here, right? And a shirt?" Tor set the pack on the counter and began rummaging through it as Xander watched with increasing bemusement.

"Uh huh- huh?" Kyle stopped halfway bent over and stared at the other teen. "What? That's my good shirt!"

Tor snickered. "Dude. I've seen it. It ain't that good."

"Fuck you, Hauer," Kyle said, still staring at him. "What's wrong with _your _spare shirt?"

"You're bigger in the chest and shoulders than I am," Tor explained, yanking a black Nickelback concert tee out of the pack, followed by a dark blue striped white long sleeved dress shirt. "'Sides – I'm three inches taller than Harris."

"So? I'm _four _inches taller. Give 'im _your _shirt."

"You're still bigger in the chest and shoulders," Tor said, flashing Xander a broad grin and a wink. "Quit bitching and get the kit, jerk."

"Fine. Bitch." Kyle rolled his eyes and dropped to squat on his haunches in front of the cabinet front. Reaching out, he began working carefully at the front panel.

"Uh... you guys keep an emergency first aid kit in the second floor bathroom?" Xander asked, growing more and more amused by the second.

"Sure," Kyle said, grinning up at him.

"Doesn't everyone?" Tor asked, giving Xander a disingenuous look.

"I give up," Xander said, spreading his hands and rolling his eyes. Frowning, he added a bit thoughtfully, "That's actually not a bad idea. We should put one on every floor."

Tor grinned at him, nodding. "So," he said, shaking out the dress shirt, "What the hell shredded you? Just in the interests of knowing if we need to run when it kills you on the second go, and all."

"Yup," Kyle agreed, rummaging under the opened counter space. "Run now. Beat the rush."

"Very funny," Xander said, rolling his eyes again. He sighed heavily. "My girlfriend," he explained, beginning a mental count in his head. Three... two.. one... yup:

Both of the other seniors froze, staring at him wide eyed, Tor in the middle of laying out clothes, and Kyle half way up with a first aid kit in his hands. Their mouths fell open and Tor fumbled the tee shirt, almost dropping it.

"Day-um," Tor said, finally.

"Explains the screaming," Kyle said.

"Thought that sounded like Cordelia," Tor said, nodding.

"And you didn't go look to see if she needed help?" Xander asked, eying him sourly.

"In _this _school?" Tor shrugged. "Best to avoid screaming," he said. Grinning, he added, "Besides, it didn't sound like it was _those _kind of screams."

"We were pretty sure she was doing just fine without our help," Kyle said, finishing coming up to his feet with the kit. "Jesus _Christ_, Xan." He sounded awed.

Tor raised an eyebrow at Xander. "You came in that thing? Dude – you're braver than we thought."

"Oh, hah hah," Xander said, staring at him. "Thanks for reminding me why I don't like either of you."

"No problem," Kyle said, bringing the kit over. "Turn around, dumb ass."

"Hey!" Xander glared at him sideways. "I have to take that from Cordelia. And sometimes Buffy. You're not even on the long list."

"Yeah yeah," Kyle snorted, rolling his eyes. "Turn around so I can fix those before you bleed out, please sir."

"Pretty please with sugar on it," Tor said. "Spin, Harris. Face forward."

"Yeah," Kyle added, as Xander huffed and turned toward the mirror while feeling put upon, "Now turn your head and cough."

"Hey!"

"I think you need to buy him dinner first, for that."

"You're giving him my shirt. Good enough."

The bell for the end of Seventh period rang while Xander was fuming under his breath.

"Told you that was the Cordy," Tor said, smirking. He glanced at Kyle and added, "Pay up."

"You're giving him my freaking good shirt," Kyle grumbled. "I _am _paid up."

"You can raid the dumpster out back and get a new shirt. Pay up."

"Oh for... Great bleeding Godfrey," Xander said, giving Tor a disgusted look over his shoulder. "Does everyone in this freaking _school _have bets on us?"

"Naw," Tor said, way too cheerfully. "I'm pretty sure that the freshmen have no clue what all the fuss is about."

"I think most of these will close with butterflies," Kyle said, tearing off some adhesive tape. "And yeah. But the sophomores, juniors, and seniors are all in a state of stunned and bewildered awe and admiration, Boss."

"_Don't_ call me Boss," Xander muttered.

"And some are in a state of cheerfully homicidal envy," Tor said, ignoring him.

The bathroom doors flung open and teens began crowding in, mostly juniors and seniors. All of them took a long look at a half naked Xander covered in claw marks, Tor matter of factly sorting out clothing, and Kyle with a roll of medical tape and a tube of antiseptic – and visibly decided they _really _didn't want to know. All of them scattered for stalls and urinals, avoiding the counter.

Great.

Xander didn't even want to think about what the school rumor mill was going to make of all of this.

"God, just shoot me now," he muttered.

"Too late," Tor said, grinning at him.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the second floor girl's bathroom, just before the end of Seventh Period bell..._

Having peed and taken care of that end of things, Cordelia came out of her stall straightening – or at least attempting to – her clothing.

Faith grinned at her in the mirror from where she was busying herself was touching up her makeup at the sinks. Cordelia sighed and gave her blouse one last tuck, buttoned up her vest, and went over to join her.

Finally, having repaired her lipstick and mascara, Cordelia took out a brush and comb and started in on trying to fix the damage to her hair.

Faith watched her for a moment. Then, setting the camera in the corner of the counter where it was safe, she tossed her own hair and, putting both hands on the edge of it, gave a little jump and hoisted herself up, turning to sit on the edge of the counter. She spread her legs and patted the counter edge.

"C'mon, stand here and let me do that," Faith suggested.

Cordelia gave her a skeptical look, and then shrugged and went to stand in front of the seated Faith, her back turned toward her. She handed Faith the comb and brush over her shoulder.

"So, don't tell me: ace photographer and reporter, and hair dresser too?" Cordelia said, not really all that archly. She sounded honestly kinda curious.

Faith tossed her head, laughing. "Naw. But I dated one once." She paused, then added, "Well... slept with one, once. Or maybe a few times."

Cordelia shook her head, snickering. "I give up."

"It's always easiest when you do that," Faith said, snickering back at her. She began working the comb through Cordelia's long hair, ratting out tangles and stroking it through smooth patches.

"Ummm... " Cordelia leaned her head back, obviously luxuriating in the feeling.

"Like having your hair messed with, huh?" Faith finished with the comb and switched to the brush. Man – the cheerleader had great hair. She could play with this stuff all day.

"Oh, yeah, definitely," Cordelia said.

Faith nodded. "Good hair, girl," she said. "Sexy."

"Ah... " Cordelia's neck stiffened, and then relaxed again.

"Don't sweat it, Queenie," Faith said, laughing softly. "Not hitting on you, honest." She paused, frowning thoughtfully, "Well, not much, anyway."

"I'm, ah, not gay," Cordelia said. After a moment, she added, "Bi, either."

Faith nodded. "Hey, with what you got going on? Can't blame you," she said. After a moment, she continued thoughtfully. "Me either. Gay, that is. Bi? Not so sure about that either way."

"Uh... how can you not be sure?" Cordelia didn't turn her head, but Faith could almost feel the frown, anyway.

Shrugging again, Faith ran the brush through a long swath of silky, slightly wavy dark chestnut hair. "Never thought much about it. I like _sex_, girl. Guys are preferable, but girls are fun too."

"Ah... uh, but isn't that bi, then?" Cordelia sounded honestly curious.

Faith cocked her head, thinking. Finally, she said, "Not sure it matters. Do it right, and it's all good. Do it bad? Ain't nothing good." She chuckled, and added, "And it – "

"Doubles your chances of getting a date on Friday nights," Cordelia finished, laughing. "I remember."

"Yeah," Faith said, laughing with her. "Not that you gotta worry about that."

"No, I suppose – "

A babble of feminine voices entered the bathrooms, coming closer. Cordelia broke off, stiffening up all over. What the – Oh, yeah.

Faith recognized the one voice. Harmony. Not on Cordy's fave person list, obviously.

"Wow." The blonde stopped as she came around the corner, looking at the two of them with her head cocked to one side and a slightly malicious expression. "Michelle? And Cordelia? What – a photographer and you do hair too?"

"Hey," Faith said lightly, continuing to brush Cordelia's hair. "Girl of many talents, yanno?" She let the Bronx accent flow back in as she spoke.

Cordelia turned her head slightly, shooting her a puzzled frown from the corner of her eyes.

"Oh, please," one of the other girls, the hot looking red head, said as she came up to the mirrors. "All of the best photographers are gay, didn't you know that, Harm? _Especially _in New York."

She threw a wink in Faith's direction, and leaned in toward the mirrors, examining her war paint.

"Hairdressers too," the stunning looking black girl said, also shrugging. She threw Cordelia a cordial looking nod, and Harmony a mildly scornful look from the corners of her eyes.

Which Harmony missed completely, what with her attention fixed on Cordelia. The other girls dispersed to various stalls, leaving the five of them over by the sinks.

"Oh, really?" Harmony said. "So, you taking a walk on the girl's side now, Cordy? What: Xander's not enough to hold you?"

"Oh, gee, Harm," Cordelia said, her voice light, just as Faith had been about to open her mouth. "I don't know. A little variety never hurt. But considering?"

Cordelia cocked her head slightly, obviously studying the other girl. "Considering that I just finished getting my _brains_ screwed out by Xander, I really can't say that I'm hurting for any variety right now."

The red head made a choking sound next to them, shooting an incredulous look over from the side of her gaze. The black girl grinned from behind Harmony, nodding slowly.

Harmony kind of choked, looking suffused for a moment, and then the malicious smile got a bit broader. "Wow, Cordelia. We figured you were going at it with the geek. But screwed out? That's a lot to accomplish in a whole five minutes."

Faith could feel the eyes narrowing even without seeing them. Uh oh, she thought...

"Oh, I dunno, Harm," Cordelia said, her voice still light. "You can do a _lot _in five minutes if you're _talented_. More than _you've _probably ever managed in front of the entire football team in thirty."

The red head started making choking noises again. So did the black girl. A titter of laughter came from one of the stalls.

Harmony's mouth dropped open, and she gaped at Cordelia.

Closing her mouth, Harmony's eyes narrowed. "And I suppose you're going to say that Geek Boy is talented, huh?"

Cordelia gave an almost theatrical full body shiver under Faith's hands. Her voice dropped down into absolute phone sex registers, all chocolate and honey and silk. "Oh, God yes. Those hands? That _voice_? I passed out _twice_, you know that?"

Harmony gaped at her again, and the red head went into a coughing fit next to them. The black girl's eyes glazed over slightly.

Just as Harmony was about to recover and try again, the phone sex tones took on a slight edge... "And it _wasn't _just five minutes, Harm." Cordelia gave that visible full body shiver again, and continued, "It was _hours_. And _hours_. Didn't you wonder where we were during Sixth Period French Two? And all of Seventh?"

Harmony's mouth fell open again. Whatever she'd been about to say came out as, "Guh."

"Oh, God," the red head said, now openly staring at the two of them.

The black girl's gaze flickered down and over Cordelia, obviously suddenly taking in bits and pieces of her state of wardrobe and slight disrepair. Her gaze sharpened abruptly.

Faith shrugged cheerfully. "Seriously. Youse shudda heard the screaming."

"Guh," the black girl said, blinking up at her. "Uh, seriously?"

"Seriously," Faith said, nodding and grinning while running the brush through Cordelia's hair. "Made _me _wet just listening. I thought Roddy was gonna have a coronary."

"Guh."

"Roddy?" Harmony blinked at them again, completely derailed.

"Yeah," Faith said, nodding vigorously. "Roderick? Principal _Snyder_? Could hear her alla da way down in his _office_, sheesh. Good thing he didn't recognize da _voice_."

"Roderick?" The black girl stared at her. "You're on a first name basis with _Snyder_?"

"Girl. Visiting photographer. From anudder _school_," Faith said, rolling her eyes. "Who do ya t'ink _invited _me here?"

"_Snyder_?" Harmony blinked at her again.

Faith shrugged again, doing her damnedest to keep her reactions down to just dancing eyes, and her madly twitching lips under control. "Hey, you can ask him about the ungh... _ungh_... oh! Oh _God_! serenade while we were designing the Homecoming Edition," Faith suggested. "Watch his blood pressure go up."

"Nooo... " Harmony shook her head with her eyes going wide. "That's okay. No."

"Speaking of," the black girl said, cocking her head up at Faith, "When are you going to finish our shoot?"

"Shoot?" Cordelia asked, her tone of voice going curious again.

The rest of the herd vacated stalls and suddenly there was a bustle and gaggle of girls and voices crowding around them at the sinks and mirrors. All of them curious about the very same thing...

"Ah. Not today, I'm afraid," Faith said, sounding regretful. "Monday. Mark out a free block. And 'ey – bring your best lingerie and undies. We'll shoot in your Quad."

"Really?" Harmony brightened suddenly. "Monday works great! We all have a free just before lunch. And hey, wow, perfect! We can hit Frederic's, Victoria's, and oooh! Just Bare over the weekend."

The bell rang while Faith was staring at her, open mouthed, and Harmony and the rest of the herd piled out, chattering like magpies and making shopping plans.

Cordelia shook herself loose from under Faith's hands and stepped away, turning to stare up at her incredulously. She opened her mouth, closed it, and then opened it again before words actually came out.

"_Excuse _me?" Cordelia blinked at her. "Did you just arrange a _lingerie_shoot in the _Quad _with Harmony and the Cordettes here at _school_?"

"Uh huh. Apparently so," Faith said, nodding slowly and slightly in shock. "I didn't mean it! I was just yanking Harmony's chain! I swear."

"Uh... " Cordelia shook her head. "You have to be careful what you say around Harmony."

"Apparently so," Faith said again, nodding.

"It's a really good thing you're on such good terms with Roderick," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes and snickering.

"I'm thinking you're right," Faith said, nodding. She met the cheerleader's eyes, and they both broke out laughing.

After the fit had passed, mostly, Cordelia frowned slightly, and asked, "And why did you suddenly have a New York accent I could cut with a spatula when I _know _your normal one is from Boston?"

Faith picked up the camera from the counter and drew herself up, scowling ferociously. She raised the camera and then lowered it and said, "Hey! You dere! Shawty! Ya wanna get yer little self oudda my shot? Ey! Yeah, youse! I'm woikin' 'ere!"

Cordelia gaped at her and Faith busted out laughing hysterically again. Cordelia's eyes widened, and she said, "Oh no you did not!"

"Did too! Swear to God, Queenie! Big as life," Faith said, practically rolling off of the counter.

"Oh. My. God." Cordelia looked as if she didn't know whether to look incredulous or horrified, and was just settling for cross-eyed instead. "No."

"Yup."

"You're kidding me."

"Nope," Faith shook her head. "Serious as a heart attack. Downside is, now I godda use dis stupid accent any time I'm anywhere dat Roddy Baby might be aroun', yanno?"

Cordelia stared at her, and then slowly closed her eyes and shook her head. After a long moment, she opened her eyes and cocked her head slightly, studying Faith for long minutes.

Faith did her best not to squirm under that suddenly way too intense hazel gaze.

Finally, Cordelia nodded abruptly. "Thanks," she said, simply.

"Huh?" Faith blinked at her. "For what?"

"For me suddenly realizing that you were really making light of things earlier, and that whole business really was a lot more convoluted than you were letting on," Cordelia said, "And a lot riskier. So... thank you. For covering for me and Xander."

"Ah... " Faith squirmed again, and shrugged finally. "Don't sweat it, Queenie. Wasn't no big."

"Uh huh." Cordelia studied her for another long moment, and then nodded again. "All right."

* * *

_Next! Michelle Lane, Ace Photog, uncovers the naked truth while Cordelia exposes a nefarious plot!_

.


	5. But I Already Have a Soul -

**Part V: But I Already _Have_ a Soul...**

* * *

_2:45pm in the Sunnydale High School Library..._

Xander stared incredulously at Giles, for once actually and completely unable to _believe _what had just come out of the older man's mouth. And it had been said with utter and absolute seriousness, too. And sincerity and a deep concern, which made it all that much worse.

"You're kidding me," Xander said, finally. It had taken several minutes after the Brit's statement for his speech centers to reconnect and words to be possible for him.

Time that Giles had spent looking at him with first concern, and then with increasingly quizzical puzzlement.

"No, absolutely not, Xander," Giles said, carefully. "I would never joke about such a thing – not after my earlier and long ago gaff of refusing to take such a concern with all due seriousness."

Xander stared at him again.

Finally, he closed his eyes slowly, and let his head fall forward and then topple down, taking his upper body with it, until his forehead hit the solid teak surface of the research table with a meaty _thunk!_

Damn.

That felt so incredibly good in a bad sort of way, that he raised his head slowly and let it fall again, with the same results.

And again.

And again.

And again.

_Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_

Xander was kind of vaguely aware of his girlfriend entering the library from the swish of the doors opening briskly, and the smell of her perfume wafting ahead of her, along with the distinctive clatter of her high heels on the library floor.

"Hey, Giles! How's it – uh... "

Xander was also aware when she stopped dead in her tracks, probably completely nonplussed. He could just picture the puzzled frown slowly spreading across Cordelia's lovely features...

"Giles!" (pause) "What did you do to my boyfriend? Why is he beating his head on the table?"

_Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_

Giles made an _ahem_ sound, and began to splutter something... Cordelia cut him off in mid splutter, striding forward rapidly.

_Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_

"Oh my God! Is the world ending _again_? Tell me the world's not ending again? Because we _so _had _plans _for this weekend!" (pause) "Tell him, Xander!"

Xander raised his head slowly, and turned it to look at Cordelia. Who was scowling at him with her eyes wide in alarm. He turned it to look at Giles with equal slowness, and a dead serious expression.

"We did. Plans, we had." Then he let it fall forward again with his eyes closed. _Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_

"See?"

"Ah... Cordelia," Giles said, carefully. "The world is _not _ending, not to the best of my knowledge. I merely told Xander... "

Ah. Xander could tune this part out. He'd already heard it. Just wait a minute and skip ahead to the part where –

Yup. Right on cue. A long moment of shocked silence followed by Cordelia's voice in full on incredulous outrage mode saying:

"_Buffy _said _**WHAT?!**_"

And we're off and running, boys and girls.

_Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_ (beat) _Thunk!_

* * *

_Meanwhile, down at the Sunnydale High Sentinel..._

Freddy Iverson was staring at her incredulously again.

Gettin' to be kind of a trend there, Faith reflected.

"You did what?" he said, finally, both eyebrows ascended nearly into his hairline. Faith opened her mouth, and he held up a hand, palm out, in the age old Stop! gesture. "No, wait – I heard you the first time," Freddy said. He leaned his head forward and pinched the bridge of his nose tightly with his eyes squeezed shut, looking so much like Giles that Faith nearly had hysterical kittens. "You – "

" – Accidentally arranged a photo shoot with Hominy and the Cordettes for Monday, yup."

"A _lingerie _photo-shoot_._ In the _Quad_. Here at _school_," Iverson said, staring at her.

"Yeah!" Faith beamed at him, nodding like a bobblehead while grinning from ear to ear. "Ain't it grand?"

"That's a word for it," Freddy agreed, slowly, "Not the one that I would use, but it's a word." He looked like he wanted to pound his head against something hard. Repeatedly. "_Michelle_... "

"_Faith_," Faith corrected, scowling at him.

"What-_ever_." Iverson closed his eyes and obviously counted to ten, twice. Faith watched him, finding it thoroughly entertaining. He opened his eyes, and sighed. "You remember when I had a herd of cows because Morriseth had, ah... "

"Nookie pics on the school camera?" Faith said, waggling her eyebrows and holding up the camera in question.

"My camera!"

"Mine, now," Faith said, sticking her tongue out.

"Mine. It's on loan to you for the duration," Iverson said, glaring.

"_Mine_," Faith stated, glaring back. "'Cause you so ain't getting it back – it followed me home and I done fed it."

"Whatever." Iverson threw up his hands, visibly giving up the Battle of the Nikon. "Point is... " he trailed off, looking like he was having problems remembering the point. Faith seemed to have that effect on a lot of people, she reflected. "The point is, Snyder will kill us! And expel what's left! Along with expelling the Cordettes, and then – "

"Their parents will kill what remains, yeah yeah, heard the routine," Faith said. "Fine. I'll tell 'em it's off when they show up in their nighties."

"Thank you – wait!"

"Whu?"

Faith blinked at him. Iverson looked like he'd been struck by a sudden inspiration. Or maybe a bolt of lightning... or a semi.

"Don't do that," Iverson said, mildly, starting to grin like an idiot.

"And again, huh?"

"Snyder wants a school newspaper Special Edition Extravaganza," Iverson explained, looking at her like she was suddenly dim or something.

"Well, yeah. I kinda remember that, on account of it's how I ended up all staff photographer and shit," Faith said, shoving her hair back with both hands.

"Girls of the Homecoming Pageant," Iverson said, holding his hands up and spreading them like he was framing a marquee. "Nothing say circulation like tits and ass."

"Nothing says _expelled _like T&A, I'm thinking," Faith said. She shrugged, "But hey, your funeral. I don't go to this school."

"You do now. You're transferring, remember, Michelle?" Iverson smirked at her, waggling his eyebrows.

"From _Grant_," Faith said, "Which I don't go to either," she reminded him.

"Details, details."

"You're insane, you know this, dude?" Faith said, shaking her head. Iverson grinned at her.

"It's contagious. I think I'm catching it from you," he said. "Crap," Iverson added, blinking. "We need Chase."

"_Huh?_" Faith stared at him. "Cordy will _never _go for posing in her undies in the quad."

"She won't have to," Iverson said, smiling weirdly. "Tor Hauer has a _primo _restored and customized Barracuda 450SS Ghia. Convertible. 383 CID SonoRamic Commando, RB-Series, Magnum. Move that part of the shoot to the front parking lot... "

"Becuz nothing says expelled like 'sex and hot rods', right," Faith said, nodding vigorously while eying the grinning lunatic across from her.

"In fact," Iverson said thoughtfully... Faith could practically see the gears spinning behind his eyes. "In fact, SoCal is the _home_ of the classic hot rod. There's more high dollar automotive goodness here per square foot than you can shake a cheerleader at."

"And you want _Cordelia_ to pose in her scanties on some of it." Both of Faith's eyebrows went up. "Dude. What happened to 'Xander Harris will _kill _me'?"

"It'll be worth it," Iverson said, grinning at her. He cocked an eyebrow, and gestured wildly, "Look, Faith – "

"Oh, _now _it's _Faith_."

"Fine. Look, _Michelle_, Queen C runs this school. Period. Not even her status dropping because she started dating Harris changes that," Iverson said, scowling earnestly at her. "Because Xander Harris really _isn't _all that low on the school totem pole. Seriously."

"Right... " Faith said slowly, nodding. She shook her head, "And you kinda lost me on the hairpin there, guy."

"Well, hang with me on the sudden curves if you can. Cordelia Chase is the daughter of _Randall _Chase, who is one of the richest men in Santa Barbara, Sunnydale, and the Santa Ynez valley area," Iverson said. "And a major, _major_ contributor to the school _alumni _fund."

"Right... "

"And the Mayor really, really wants to get him to be a contributor to the Mayor's Campaign fund."

"Right... ?"

"Snyder is _not _gonna expel the daughter of Randall Chase. No how, no way, ain't gonna happen. Period. Not _ever_," Iverson said. "Richard Wilkins the Third would _eviscerate _him. Possibly for real, but I'm not sure about that yet."

"Uh huh."

"And, every single male in this school and two others has been trying to get into Cordelia's designer panties since Junior High. And most of the attached ones, too."

"Which Xander did, _thoroughly_," Faith said, nodding. "Although there wasn't so much in the way of panties by that point."

"And once the word of their little, ah... romantic interludes starts to trickle out farther around the school," Iverson said –

"Which I'm thinking won't take long now that Cordy went all phone sex on Harm and the Cordettes," Faith said, nodding. "Especially with them having about three interludes a day around here."

"_Harris_ will become a freaking _God_," Iverson said. "And Cordelia will be his goddess."

"Ah. So if we get the Cordelia Chase seal of approval on this little photo junket – "

"Snyder will roll over and wag his tail," Iverson said, grinning wildly.

"I still think you're insane," Faith said, grudgingly, "But I'm starting to think that 'crazy like a fox' is real appropriate here. But you're still not gonna get Cordy to pose in her skivvies out in front of the school."

"I know. You are."

"Me!"

"And you're going to use your special rapport with 'Roddy' to grease the skids for this whole project," Iverson said, nodding.

"Me?!"

"You."

"No fucking way!"

"Then gimme my goddamned camera back!"

"No!" Faith clutched her camera to her chest, giving him a wounded glare. "Fine," she huffed.

"I knew you'd see it my way."

"Asshole."

"Flattery gets you anywhere," Iverson said, smirking.

Faith smirked back, and then stopped, her mouth falling open.

"What?" Iverson blinked at her.

"I'm having an idea."

"Well, don't scare it – it has to be terrified all alone in there," Freddy said.

"Oh, ha ha. You a funny guy," Faith said, scowling at him. "No, wait," she added, brightening, "I'm having a _plan_. Listen up, dude... "

* * *

_Meanwhile, back in the school library..._

Cordelia stared at Giles with her arms folded across her chest, and her mouth falling open. Having heard the full spiel from Giles over the previous several minutes, she was reacting about like Xander had.

Only with more incandescent rage and less banging of head against table.

Cordelia looked like she was contemplating banging _Giles' _head on the table instead.

Xander was tempted to help her.

"You're _kidding _me!" Giles opened his mouth, and Cordelia held up a hand, cutting him off. "No. Stop. Waitaminnit here... okay, now, let me get this straight. Because Buffy somehow has gotten it into her pointy head that... "

"Sounds like?" Xander said when she trailed off. Cordelia glared at him.

"Help me out here, dork," she suggested. "Words fail me."

"Wow." Xander blinked up at her. "Is that even possible?"

"Oh, hah hah," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes. "Very funny."

Giles was polishing his glasses furiously, scowling downward and looking everywhere except at Xander's furious girlfriend. "Yes, well, ah – "

"Oh, shut up." Giles' mouth snapped shut with a click and he glared at her. Cordelia paced back and forth, gesturing furiously while ignoring him. The U.S.S. Queen C at full sail, guns primed and run out the gunwales... "You mean that _Buffy _wants _you _to cast a spell on Xander – and me!"

"Willow, actually," Xander interjected.

"Willow," Cordelia corrected herself, nodding, "Because... because... I don't know what... and _you _agreed to _help _her? Giles!"

"Well, ah... " Giles paused, and when another "oh shut up" didn't materialize, continued, "I was rather dubious at first, and dismissive of Buffy's concern, but given that last time I– "

"Oh shut up," Cordelia said, tossing her hair and rolling her eyes. "I've heard enough." Xander began falling forward to thunk against the table again and she caught him by the collar, yanking him upright. "_Stop _that. I know there's no vital organs up there, but that bruise is gonna be unsightly."

Xander glared up at her, and Giles rolled his own eyes, huffing. "Cordelia, believe me, I can understand your– "

"Giles. Your office. Now." Cordelia cut him off with a glare again, pointing at the doorway behind the counter. "Xander. You're with me. Giles. We need to talk. _Now_."

"Ah... " Giles looked around the completely empty library, apparently a bit befuddled. So did Xander. "My office?"

"Your office, Giles," Cordelia said, very slowly as though she were speaking to the completely deficient. "Because it has a door. With a _lock_. And even if she _does _have a class, I so don't trust Buffy not to wander in and I _so _do _not _want to deal with her right now."

"Or Willow," Xander said, nodding vigorously.

"Or Willow," Cordelia said, agreeing.

Giles shuddered, looking a bit nonplussed. "Yes. I must confess that I wasn't looking forward to _that _little conversation myself."

"I should say not!" Cordelia looked outraged. Still. Or more so. "Willow would _freak_! And for once I'm in full agreement with Willow."

"Very well," Giles said, nodding. "If both of you would walk this way, please?"

"If I could walk that way... " Xander began, starting to smirk.

"Oh, shut up."

That time, it came from both Cordelia _and _Giles.

* * *

_Meanwhile, down at the Sunnydale High Sentinel..._

"That's brilliant," Iverson said, staring at Faith with undisguised admiration.

"It is?" Faith blinked at him, and then a broad smile broke out across her lips.

"No. It's inspired! Wow," Iverson shook his head slowly. "I'm in awe."

"Really?" Faith's grin got a bit bigger, and her dimples, ah, dimpled on her. "Dude. You're making me blush."

"I didn't think that was possible," Iverson said, grinning back at her. He tossed his head, flipping hair back from his eyes. "It looks good on you."

"Really?" One of Faith's eyebrows went up.

"Really."

"Enjoy it. It doesn't happen often."

"I'm sure."

They stared at each other, and then both broke out snickering.

"Huh." Cocking her head, Faith studied him for a moment.

Not really a Goth, she supposed. He didn't have the pale makeup, black lipstick and bruised eyeshadow look to go with it. The all black thing just kinda suggested it. So... huh.

Dark blonde/light brown hair, blue eyes, slightly too long hair in need of a trim. Black t-shirt under a black sports jacket, with black slacks. Ah well. The tee shirt was sporting a Catwalk logo. Hey, at least he had good taste in bands, even if it was a bit retro.

Not a bad looking kid, all in all. Tall. Really good hands, looked like. Full lips, especially the lower one. Great for nibbling on...

Faith's smirk turned slightly feral and she licked her lips.

"Uh... why are you looking at me like that, all of a sudden?" Iverson turned a slightly nervous expression upon her and leaned back in his chair.

"Huh? Am I?" Faith blinked at him.

"Uh huh," Iverson said, nodding a bit jerkily. "Like you suddenly wanted to eat me all up or something. Without ketchup."

"Huh. That sounds like a _wonderful _idea," Faith purred.

"Uh... "

"I shoulda thought of it."

"Uh... " Iverson edged his chair back a bit, until it hit the wall of bookcases behind his desk. He jumped slightly at the thump, and Faith grinned, tossing her head and shaking her hair back.

"So... whatcha got behind that door over there?" she said, pointing at the wall to the right of his bookcases while eying him hungrily.

Hey. Long dry spell. Xander and Cordelia induced inspiration, not to mention Cordy and Xan induced sexual frustration...

"Uh... " Iverson glanced where she was pointing, looking as if he was contemplating bolting through it. "The morgue?"

"You keep dead people in there?" Faith blinked at him, derailed completely for a moment.

"Huh?" Iverson blinked back. "Oh, no. No! Newspaper morgue. We keep dead _issues _in there. Uh... filing cabinets..."

"Ah." Faith nodded energetically. "Cool." Doorknob had a lock on it, too. She stood slowly, making him look even more nervous.

Faith picking up the heavy metal desk by one end and casually moving it out of the way probably didn't help. Wah. He'd get over it. She sauntered over to him as he shoved his desk chair backwards. Or tried to – it done run outta room to back up.

Cool. Trapped.

She kinda liked that in a guy.

Placing a hand on each arm of the desk chair, Faith put one knee on the seat next to Iverson's leg and leaned forward slowly.

"Uh... Mich- Faith! What're you doing?"

Faith finished leaning in and captured his mouth with her own, killing that line of inquiry in its tracks. Gee. Figure it out, guy. We have little diagrams for the short bus students.

Pulling back slightly, Faith looked into Iverson's eyes from nearly nose to nose distance. His almost crossed trying to focus on her.

"Furthering my education."

"Uh... you are?"

Ah, how cute. His voice cracked part way through. Faith smiled slowly, licking her lips.

"Yeah," she said huskily. "Mom always said that school was important if'n you wanted to make something of yourself... "

Leaning forward, she caught his lips again, working her tongue deeply in between them.

Iverson kissed her back hungrily, and then somehow got his hands up, pushing back on her shoulders until he managed to break lip lock.

"Faith! We can't do this!" Iverson's eyes were wild, practically. And kinda flushed and dilated.

"Huh?" Jeeze, what was his _problem_? "Why not?"

"Because!"

Faith blinked at him.

Okay... let's see. Hot girl. Hey, Faith knew what she looked like. Lotsa curves. Skin tight hip hugger jeans. Bare midriff showing navel and a goodly slice of tanned skin. Halter neck blouse in a red and black snakeskin pattern that left her back bare all the way to the waist ties and with a cleavage window showing a nice slice of inner and upper breast curves. No bra. Perky nipples, obviously gone all hard and shit...

"What, you're gay?"

"Huh?" Iverson blinked at her, going all startled looking. "No! No, I'm not gay! Uh, not that there's anything wro- "

"Cool," Faith said, nodding and licking her lips. "Then you gotta girlfriend or something? That brunette in the front office?"

"Uh... no! No girlfriend."

"Cool! Then no problem, dude. I'm on the pill." Faith peeled one hand from a chair arm and dropped it into his lap, squeezing him through his pants. Nice.

"Yipe!" Freddie boy nearly jumped out of his skin.

Faith tossed her hair again, dimpling at him cheekily while her fingers made stroking movements. "I get it – you're shy. That's cute!"

"I am not shy!" Iverson blurted out, wriggling in his seat with his eyes widening up at her.

"Virgin? 'Cause hey, I can steer you around all the curves– "

"I'm _not _a _virgin _either!" That one came out kinda strangled sounding...

"Great! Even better!"

"We can't do this, Faith!" Iverson hissed out. He scooched down and tried to wriggle out from under her so he could slip out. Faith lifted her other knee onto the seat and sat on his lap, killing that plan in its tracks. Iverson groaned as she wriggled her denim clad ass down onto him.

"Sure we can," Faith said, nodding enthusiastically. "I can tell that Little Freddy is all over this idea."

"But _Faith!_" Iverson was starting to look panicky. More panicky. Which was kind of at odds with the enthusiasm he had going at the other end. "We're at school!"

"Yeah? And?"

"Uh... " Freddy blinked at her.

"Look. Guy. I just spent an _hour _listening to the unnn... ungh... oh... Oh! God! fuck me! Xander! show," Faith said, leaning in until her nose tip was touching his and looking him dead in the eyes. "And that's _after _we stumbled over Xan taking the laser guided Cordy tour in the graveyard the other night, with sound effects. I'm worked up enough that I'm ready to scream."

"Uh... " Freddy blinked at her again, looking a bit dazed. "An _hour?_"

"Did I mention that I'm a screamer?"

"Uh... "

"I swallow, too," Faith said, licking her lips lasciviously.

"Uhh... " Okay, make that glazed, not dazed. As in: fully glazed eyes now, with a kind of a distant and fascinated expression to 'em. Cool. "But we can't have sex in my office!"

"Cool. I agree," Faith said, nodding with her nose rubbing the end of his. "That's why we're gonna use that morgue room there."

"We are?" Awww... his voice cracked again.

"We are."

"This isn't, ah, uh... appropriate!" Iverson kind of babbled out. Good Lord.

"Seems appropriate to me," Faith said, licking her lips slowly. "Roddy said we were gonna be working _closely _together. I'm thinking: _real _closely."

"But Faith!"

Sigh. Faith slid off of the chair and stood up. Bending over, she grabbed him by the belt and a lapel and threw him over her shoulder in a fireman's hoist.

"Yikes!"

"Call me Michelle," Faith suggested to his rump. "I plan to do some investigative reporting, with like exposés and in depth probing and shit. Or hell, call me Mae West if you want to."

"Mae West?"

"Even better – call me Lauren Bacall," she said, heading for the morgue room door. "'Cause when we get in there, I'm gonna put my lips together and blow."

* * *

_Meanwhile, back in the school library, err, in Giles' office..._

Giles had his glasses off again. Not unusual. The thoroughly flustered look was, kinda. Xander suppressed a grin. He didn't think it would be appreciated.

"Okay. Now, let me make sure I have this perfectly clear in my mind, Giles," Cordelia said, folding her arms and glaring at him. "Because, honestly? I'm having a hard time believing it even for something that comes out of _this_ place!"

"I, ah, well... it does seem a bit odd," Giles stammered, "Until you consider the events of Sophomore year when – "

"I was possessed by a hyena and ate a pig," Xander put in, rolling his eyes.

"Right. Got the memo," Cordelia said, her voice arid, "Makes _perfect _sense – if you're _Buffy!_"

"Well, ah, given the circumstances and the ah, behavioral changes... "

"Oh. Right." Cordelia began tapping her chin with a manicured fingernail thoughtfully. "Because _no _one in this zoo we go to school at _ever _acts out of character or strangely without being demon possessed or _turned into one!_"

"Ah... well, I... "

"Although that _would_ explain how I ended up dating _Xander_ of all people... "

"She does have a point, Giles," Xander put in. He registered the last comment fully, finally, and his head snapped around with an outraged glare. "Hey!"

"Arrgh!" Cordelia glared at Giles, ignoring him. "I mean, seriously? Just because _Buffy _and Faith walked up on us while Xander and I were in the middle of wild, hot, screaming, anal monkey sex on a park bench – "

Giles' eyes bugged out and the glasses hit the top of his desk with a clatter.

"Oh." Cordelia's scowl became a smirk. "I see Buffy left out _that _little tidbit, huh?"

"Which, hey, Giles," Xander said, his voice and expression earnest. "We _know _already that it wasn't the brightest idea or place in the world for that."

"We got the memo, honest," Cordelia said, nodding. "We so didn't need the lecture series and documentary."

"I-I-I ah, uh... "

"And just because I popped off with the first thing that came into my sex and orgasm melted brain to derail Hurricane Buffy from making landfall," Cordelia said, causing Giles' eyes to bulge again...

"Which is where she _got _this whole idea, I'm thinking," Xander added.

"Because I _so _didn't need to hear Buffy going on and on in full rant mode on us right then," Cordelia said, nodding furiously. "And because Faith was ah... "

"Less than sympathetic to Buffy's outrage?" Xander suggested, cocking an eyebrow at her.

"Right," Cordelia said, tapping her nose. "More like practically rolling on the ground laughing her _ass_ off, but... "

"Well Buffy did, ah – "

"And Faith had already had 'the _talk_' with us," Xander said, earnestly with Cordelia nodding agreement. "Pointed out how idiotic it was and risky and all."

"Not in those words," Cordelia said, "But yeah."

"Well, ah... "

"And because when she finally _did _decide to get past ignoring both of us," Xander said, rolling his eyes, "And give _me _the lecture tour – "

"Just because Xander went off on her and into full on snark mode – "

"I really can speak for myself, sweetheart," Xander said, huffing.

"Oh. Of course you can. Sorry," Cordelia said, nodding. She patted his arm and said, "Go ahead," followed immediately by, "Oh! And then because _Xander_ had the gall to bring up Buffy's less than stellar track record with sex – "

"Which I'm thinking didn't help," Xander said, nodding and cutting smoothly into Cordelia's diatribe. "Oh. Buffy didn't mention that part, either, huh?"

"Well, ah... " Giles huffed and threw his hands up. "No. I'm starting to get the impression there was rather a bit that she left out."

"Arrrgggh!" Cordelia glared at him, tossing her hair again. "So obviously because we're having sex and Xander doesn't want to hear Buffy's opinion on it and neither do I, well, obviously _I_ have to have been turned into a _demon_ somehow – you weren't clear on how that happened – "

"Ah, I really hadn't had a chance to ah, inves– "

"And you're not getting one," Cordelia said, glaring again. "And so obviously I must've what? Possessed Xander? Enchanted him? What?"

"I, ah, Buffy actually wasn't very uh – "

"Stole my soul with the power of wild hot Cordy Lovin', I'm thinking," Xander said, starting to smirk.

"Yeah. Just _fucked _it right on out of him," Cordelia said, rolling her eyes and leaning back against the doorframe.

"Well, if anyone could, it'd be you," Xander said, grinning at her. She grinned back and stuck her tongue out.

"I, ah, oh... oh dear Lord," Giles said, picking his glasses back up. "I give up."

"I'm sorry, Giles," Cordelia said. Her smile was pure honeysuckle. "Did we head off into the too much information zone?"

"Ah, quite," Giles said, nodding. "Deeply."

"Don't go there," Xander warned, aiming a forefinger at him. "I have tons of horrible puns and bad jokes saved up that I haven't mined yet."

"Because he knows I'll kill him if he uses them on me," Cordelia said, nodding.

"I'll follow your lead in that, Cordelia," Giles said, glaring at Xander.

"Oh. Ouch." Xander rolled his eyes again, huffing. "Fine."

"And now she wants you to get _Willow_ to check, and to use the soul curse to put his _soul_ back in?" Cordelia said, looking completely scandalized.

"It'd get kinda crowded in there, I'm thinking," Xander said, rolling his eyes. "Seeing as how I already have one."

"Oooohhh... " Cordelia squeezed her eyes shut. "I cannot _believe _this! Seriously? I am _so _tempted to grab one of my daddy's shotguns and turn Buffy into a puff of dyed blonde hair and a vacant expression." (beat) "_More_ vacant."

"Sweetheart?" Xander said, giving her an alarmed look. "Not doing much to kill the whole demon theory, I'm thinking."

"Oh please," Cordelia said, waving airily. "Demons don't use guns. Any reasonable _mor_on will just figure that some _human _got tired of Buffy's crap and decided to take her out of the gene pool before she could breed."

"I, ah... " Giles gave Cordelia a piercing look. "_Really_, Cordelia."

"I'm just kidding. Mostly," Cordelia said, sighing. "And exasperated. And seriously? If I _do_, I _promise _I'll only shoot her in the head: there's nothing _vital _to really _damage _up there, obviously."

"Ah... " Giles began spluttering. Xander couldn't blame him: he wasn't in much better shape.

"I, ah... " Xander finally stopped spluttering and trying his best not to laugh, and said, "I can't say I really blame my girlfriend here, really. Not really that happy with the Buffster right now myself."

"Really! I mean, seriously? I'm having _sex _with my _boyfriend_, for crying out loud! That's all! Honest!" Cordelia said, gesturing for emphasis with every word. "Arrggh! And hey, it was great. Fantastic – if I'd known _this_, I would have dragged him upstairs on Halloween when he was all sexy and take charge and – "

"Cordelia!" Giles broke into her current rant, finally breaking off her diatribe and causing her to blink at him. "I get the picture," he said. Xander thought Giles looked like the picture was making him ill... "I really don't need the testimonials to go with, please."

"Oh. Okay. Sorry."

"Well, I must say that I _am_ relieved," Giles said, shaking his head slowly with his lips twitching at them. "I had honestly hoped that there was a reasonable and rational explanation for the behavior that Buffy described – "

"Of _course_ there's a rational explanation, Giles!" Cordelia exploded. "Xander got _laid_ and his balls dropped finally!"

"Hey!" Xander turned his best outraged glare on his girlfriend.

"Uh? I said that out loud, didn't I?" Cordelia said, her eyes going wide. "I'm so sorry, honey."

"No you're not!" Xander said, rolling his eyes.

"Ahem!" Giles was looking suffused again. And bright red. "Ah... if we could just... ah... "

"Yes, Giles," they both said in unison. "Sorry, Giles."

"Thank you. Now... It really is just a very simple mystical procedure," Giles began –

"_No!_"

Both of them said it at the same time, and in the same tone, and then exchanged startled looks. Cordelia grinned at him, and then glared back at Giles.

"No, Giles."

"Nope."

"But, ah – "

"No. Buffy is just going to have to grab a clue and figure out that not everyone is going to want to hear her crap," Cordelia said.

"And they don't have to get all demonized to get to that point," Xander said, folding his arms and glowering at the older man.

"Fine," Giles said, rolling his eyes. "Although it _would_ easily set Buffy's mind at ease, _but_– " he held up a hand, forestalling another exclamation, "I can see why you would not be amenable to the idea right now."

"Or ever," Cordelia said, huffing again.

"And maybe a day, after this," Xander said, rolling his eyes again. "Seriously: if I eat another pig – or worse, Snyder – feel free to test me."

"And use a stomach pump on him," Cordelia said, looking ill. "Snyder?"

"Quite." Giles nodded. "I shall speak with Buffy and do my very best to get her to see reason on this."

"Thank you," Xander said, simply and very sincerely. "And good luck."

"Yeah. Seriously," Cordelia said, nodding.

"Oh, quite all right, believe me," Giles said. Putting his glasses back on, he looked at them over the tops, and added, "Given what you've both stated, I believe that I _don't_ need to point out that what you were doing and where was extremely, ah... foolish and risky?"

"No. Honestly," Cordelia said. "We really did get the memo. Nearly the hard way."

"Definitely," Xander said, nodding and giving Giles his very best serious look. "Never again."

"Definitely not," Cordelia said, nodding. "No more public sex at night. I put my foot down on that."

"I'm working _really _hard on getting her to _not_ put it down against public sex at school," Xander said, "Here in the daytime."

Glancing sidelong at him, Cordelia dope slapped him smartly upside the back of his head, huffing. "Don't push your luck, Jerk."

"Ah... a-at school? Here?" Giles blinked at them, looking, ah, slightly suffused. Again.

"Sorry, Giles." Cordelia's lips were starting to twitch a bit, though, despite the sincerity of the apology...

"Oh, quite all right, Cordelia," Giles said, his lips twitching slightly at the corners. "Ah... as hard as it might be to believe, I _have_ actually had sex a time or two in my, ah, misspent youth. And I _am_ aware that young people in the throes of passion can... get carried away."

"Oh, brother, can we," Cordelia said. She flushed and began turning slowly red from the cleavage up.

"Still wonder how that shoe got hooked onto that whiteboard," Xander said. She huffed and dope slapped him again.

"Ow, honey."

Giles shook his head, his eyes dancing behind his glasses. "Well, ah, do at least _attempt _to be discreet."

"Think we blew that one out of the water already," Cordelia said, grinning at him.

* * *

_Meanwhile, back at the newspaper offices, err, newspaper morgue..._

"Oh, _God_... "

Man, that sounded heartfelt. Intense even. Cool. Iverson's hands tightened around her hips and Faith grinned like a cat spotting a bird bath.

"Ungh!"

Hands gripping her thighs just behind the knees and bent forward slightly, Faith threw her head back and let her eyes close. She rose up slowly, swiveling her hips in a spiraling motion and worked her way down again the same way.

She paused there for a long minute, grinding herself down into him harder. Unnhh. _Day_-um, that felt good. Faith's head went forward and down, flipping her hair over her face. Shit. She clenched herself down around Iverson, hearing him gasp and then groan again. His hands gripped tighter on her hips, threatening to leave imprints...

Good thing there'd been a comfy leather seated rolling chair with a reclining back and arms in here. Much, much better than the floor or up against a metal filing cabinet. Great for having the guy sprawl back while you straddled him facing forward and rode up and down. Yeehaw.

Idly, Faith wondered if she should get a tattoo... nice little tribal tramp stamp to match the one around her biceps.

Naw. No need to give the guy pictures to look at while he was screwing you. Either looking at the real deal and that fine ass rising and falling on him was good enough, or he could go screw _himself_.

She rose again, shimmying her way back up and hung there for a bit, working her hips and swiveling just onto the tip and last inch or so of him.

Damn.

Nice tool. Not huge, but nice. And hey – it's not the size of the drill, but the way the motor runs. Seriously.

Working her head around in a slow circle, Faith felt her neck muscles pop and loosen up. Uhhh... damn. All that tension going out. Way good. She smacked her lips, and then grinned, thinking back a short while with images running through her mind's eye. Yum.

During one of the times that Faith had actually bothered paying attention in class, she remembered a sex ed teacher saying something about how male cum was mostly sugars. She'd always wondered why it tasted salty, then...

Never did get a good answer for that. The teacher had just turned bright red and started stammering. And everyone else in class had laughed, which had kinda pissed her off – she'd been honestly curious for once, not cracking wise.

Ah well. Time past and good riddance.

"Unngh... " Faith let herself slide down again, seating herself – and himself – solid and deep. "Unh, oh, goddamn fuck, man."

Heh. For all the stammering and wide eyed panic, and the protests, once they were actually in here with the door slammed and the blouse had come off, he'd gotten downright enthused.

Of course, having Faith yank his pants open and wrap her lips around the head of his cock had probably helped –

It was like George Carlin always said: one thing you never _ever _heard was, "Hey! Stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police!"

Working him back up again after working him off was fun, too. Like she'd thought: the boy had good hands.

She hoped the sound proofing in here was a lot better than it was in the room Cordy and Xan had taken over earlier was. Didn't need to wake all the neighbors.

Hoped the little brunette up front wasn't a prude, either. That first screaming explosion had _damned _near taken the top of her freaking head off...

Yeaaahhh... Maybe Cordy had the right idea... find someone talented and nail him down good and solid. Screw a lot of bed bouncing.

Okay, yeah, bounce the damned bed good and hard, she thought, rising up and down on him faster. Or the chair, or the desk, or whatever. Not that kind of damned bed bouncing, dammit.

Faith slid up again, leaving just the head and a couple of inches in, and swiveled her hips slowly – savoring the feeling. Oh yeah.

And... oh, God damn guh –

She slammed down, grinding her hips into Iverson as it felt like her entire insides went all hot and wet and clenched up from the inside out. Oh, God...

"Augh... aiiiiiiii... ahhhh... auugh! Damn! Fuck!"

Kinda vaguely aware, she felt Iverson's hands slip up from her hips along her waist and up under her breasts. Faith wasn't really sure if he was groaning or screaming too, but damn.

Iverson cupped a breast in each hand as Faith's head arched backward, long dark hair flying everywhere, and he pulled her back to lie against himself.

She let him, concentrating on the arch of her feet lifting her up on her toes and her legs stiffening up with her thighs quivering...

One hand gripped a breast and began playing with a nipple and the other slipped down between her legs, finding the wet slippery space between her lower lips and beginning to slide a finger rapidly up and down along it.

"Ahhh... ah... _ah_... anghhh... oh God damn _fuck_! Annnnggh!"

Both of Faith's feet came up off of the floor and her legs came up with her knees back against her shoulders. She arched her back, slamming her hips down and grinding her ass into Iverson's hips as wave after wave shuddered through her.

Half not-quite-pain, but something near it, half... something else. Not _quite_ intense pleasure... just... _explosions_, like little detonations going off between her legs and inside of her. Building, building, and then –

_Damn_.

Faith went limp all over, breathing hard, with her feet hitting the floor again on either side of Iverson's legs and her legs spraddled out wide. She could feel her abdomen undulating in slow rippling motions and her hips jerking and twitching slowly.

Wow.

She was kind of vaguely aware of him working his hips and shoving up into her and then clenching up himself all over with his fingers biting into her tit and nipple and crying out and –

Hey, good for him. Why should _she _have all the fun?

Guh.

Damn.

Never again.

Never _again_ gonna go that long and just play voyeur on Cordy and Xan. Because man, those two were _way _too hard on her frustration levels. Yeesh.

"Oh, holy crap, Freddie," Faith said.

His lips and mouth found hers as she turned her head on his shoulder and she melted into the sensation again.

Finally, he pulled away and said something that sounded vaguely like, "Glub."

"Yeah. Glub. Definitely glub. Glub all the way, dude."

Iverson snickered into her mouth, and groaned. After a long, long set of minutes, he broke off panting heavily long enough to say, "Uh, Louie? I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful working relationship."

Faith's eyes snapped open, finally, and fastened on his blue ones from way too close.

"Dude," she said, and then dissolved into spluttering laughter. "_Now_ you're gonna try and tell me you're _shocked_ that there's gambling in Sunnydale, huh?"

A few minutes later they both fell out of the rolling chair and onto the floor, laughing hysterically.

Ow.

* * *

_A short while later and back at the doors to the library..._

Cordelia squeezed Xander's hand where it was wrapped around hers and hugged his arm to herself with her other hand. He shoved the doors open and headed out with her firmly attached to his arm.

Okay, got _that _bit of idiocy the hell out of the way.

Sheesh.

Freaking _Buffy_.

They were _so _gonna have words.

Ummm... Cordelia wiggled her hips as unobtrusively as possible, making it look like a better than normal sexy walk, instead. Damn. That ache between her legs would _hurt_ if it didn't feel so good...

She glanced sidelong at her boyfriend, and frowned slightly. "New shirt?" Cordelia asked, curiously.

"Huh?" Xander blinked at her, looking startled. "Oh. Ah... " he shrugged. "Donation from Tor and Kyle."

"Oh?" Both of Cordelia's eyebrows went up.

"Don't ask," Xander suggested, sighing. "Really. Just... don't."

"Oh-kay,"Cordelia said, slowly, nodding. "Ah... " Further delving into that was suddenly curtailed as –

"Hey! Cordy!"

She and Xander both snapped their heads around at the sound of the familiar voice shouting from down the hallway at them.

Faith came skipping up like an eager Rottweiler, all bouncing wavy dark hair and ear to ear grin. Still with that damned camera dangling around her neck, and wearing that Grant High letter jacket.

Faith.

Skipping.

That just didn't compute.

Cordelia blinked at her, her mouth falling open. She was kind of aware of Xander gaping at the sight too, from next to her.

"Just the gal I wanted to see! Coolness!" Faith bounced to a halt in front of them, practically quivering up on her toes. "Hey! Xan."

"Hey, Faith," Xander said, nodding cautiously.

"I am?" Cordelia blinked at the other girl.

"Well, yeah!" Faith grinned, bouncing on her toes again as the bell rang. The hallway started flooding with students almost immediately as classes let out and the front lounge and Quad emptied. "Girl, you gotta meet me up here later."

"Uh... okay," Cordelia said, nodding cautiously. "Uh, when?"

"Crap." Faith blinked like she hadn't thought it through that far ahead. Shrugging, she brightened and said, "Oh! Okay, Sunday morning. Early – but not too early."

"Ummm... Sunday? Morning?"

"Yeah! We're going _shopping_, girl," Faith said, nodding like a bobblehead doll and grinning maniacally.

Damn. Gonna have to wean her off of the caffeine, stat.

And... Cordelia opened her mouth to ask, just as she spotted Rosenberg, Oz, and Buffy coming down the front staircase. Crap.

Faith apparently spotted something past Cordelia's shoulder in the other direction, for she brightened even further and her head swiveled around tracking like a gun turret.

"Hey, great, gotta go, bye!" Faith said rapid fire and scooted around them. She took off – _skipping_ again – and headed off down the main hallway. She spun around again, and called back, "And bring _Xander!_" and then spun back and skipped away.

Cordelia and Xander turned slowly to watch her go, their mouths falling wide open.

"Hey! Yo, _Hominy_! Youse just da uddah gal I wanted ta see. Wait up!"

Xander made choking sounds in his throat as Harmony gave Faith a deer in the headlights look and said something inaudible that looked like it might have been, "Oh my God! Help!"

"Did Faith just call Harm 'Hominy'?" Willow's voice said off to one side. "And get _away _with it?"

"In a New York accent?" Buffy said from alongside her.

Faith spun back around, obviously at the sound of Willow's voice, for she lit up like a glowworm and called back, "Willow! Girl! The _otter_ gal dat I need!"

People scattered out from behind her like a school of minnows to keep from getting backed over by Faith the bulldozer. Willow's eyes widened and she yelped, "Eeek?"

"We need to talk, girl! Soonest! Ciao, baby!" Faith spun back around and headed off again, calling out, "Hominy! Don't you _move_!"

Cordelia blinked slowly as Faith skidded to a stop in front of Harmony and the gaggle of former Cordettes, her hands waving energetically and talking a mile a minute.

She turned to Xander, who turned to her, and both of their eyebrows hit their hairlines. They each mouthed, "Ciao, baby?" silently to each other at the same time, and shook their heads, feeling kind of dazed.

Cordelia shook her head again as she turned back and watched Harmony freaking Kendall light up like a thirty watt bulb – about all the wattage she was good for – and squeal excitedly, bouncing up and down. Harm started chattering back energetically, gesturing frantically.

Whoa.

Wait.

Buffy.

_Slowly _we turned... step by step... inch by inch...

"Hi there, Buffy!" Cordelia said in her very best and cheeriest voice, megawatt smile turned up to around incandescent levels. She heard Xander gulp and turn pale next to her. "Girl. We need to talk."

"We do?" Buffy blinked at her.

"We so _do_," Cordelia said, hugging Xander's arm tightly. "But not today. Have your people call my people – we'll do lunch."

"Uh... " Buffy blinked again. "Okay... "

Cordelia clamped down on Xander's arm as he started trying to wriggle loose and back away and dug her fingernails in. He froze.

"Because I _so _have plans with my boyfriend right now," Cordelia said, chirpily. "And _for _him, too," she cooed.

Xander gulped.

"Oh-kaayyyy," Buffy's eyebrows went up all the way. "When?"

"Oh, don't you worry about that, _Buffy_," Cordelia said, her voice dropping into dangerous – and downright frozen – registers. "You'll know." She smiled again, at about a million watts. "Ta! We really _must _do this again. Bye!"

Still clamped down on him so that he couldn't escape if he had wanted to, Cordelia turned them both and began leading Xander out through the front doors to head to her car.

"Oh!" Cordelia said, brightly, half turning back and smiling broader, "_Giles_ wanted to see you about something. Bye!"

Behind her, she heard a thoroughly confused sounding Willow ask plaintively, "Did I just miss something? I missed something, didn't I! I always miss things. Buffy?"

Snerk.

Let her explain _that _to Willow.

Cordelia would almost _pay _to be a fly on the wall for that conversation...

But not tonight.

"Uh, Cordy?" Xander said, in a tight and kind of pained sounding voice.

"Yeah?"

"Not that I'm not with you all the way here," Xander said, tightly, "But could you pull your claws back in, please? And _out _of my freaking _bicep_, sweetheart?"

"Oh! Sorry!"

Cordelia unclenched her hand hastily.

"Ow. Thanks." Xander snickered, and said, "Yeesh. I'm gonna need an emergency room if you keep shredding me, honey."

"Aww. Poor baby. I'll have to make it up to you," she said, grinning over at him. "I did tell you my parents are leaving again tonight, right?"

"No... "

"They so are, late late," Cordelia said. "For Long Island. _And_ they're taking Deirdre with them. We'll have my house to ourselves all weekend starting Saturday."

"Groovy," Xander said, nodding at her and his grin going all lopsided. "And mine are heading to Rory's place, ah... about now. We have mine all to ourselves tonight."

"Oooh baby," Cordelia said, letting her eyes widen provocatively at him.

"Oooh baby?" Xander blinked at her.

"Mrrrowll?"

"Ah. Let's go grab some food and get home."

"Mrrowll."

Xander dug into a front pocket and came up with a roll of bills, waving them with a manic looking half grin. "And thanks to our good friends from the Xander and Cordelia betting pool, I can afford something _nice_ for my girl." (beat) "Steak and lobster!"

Cordelia let her eyes widen dramatically, her lips twitching madly in an effort to not break out laughing. "Mrrrowwwlll!"

"And maybe a litter box."

Cordelia snorted, meeting his eyes and grin with one of her own, and then they both broke out in hysterics.

"C'mon, Lover Geek," she said, wiping the tears from her eyes, "Let's go feed you and build up your strength."

* * *

_**~ The END ~**_

**(For now)**

* * *

_Next! Return with us in the upcoming installment for more thrilling adventures in role playing and hanky-panky!_

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